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Crippling anxiety due to things that didn’t really happen (false memories?)

A

ARxo123

New member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1
Location
United states
Hi all,

note before reading: I have been going to therapy, had to stop but am going back next week, and on meds, before someone suggests all that

Hi...this is my first time posting in here and really any forum so bare with me, and if I don’t make sense, I know some things might sound crazy cause they do to me sometimes, so I apologize!

anyway SO, I have been dealing with anxiety my whole life almost, since I was about 10, I am 23 years old now, female...over the weekend I went to an event with friends and my boyfriend, I did not eat much and had more drinks then probably recommend, or because I didn’t eat I got drunk much quicker then expected. The moral of the story here is that me and someone I thought was my friend, had gotten separated from my boyfriend and then me and her got separated at some point afterwards, at this point I was very drunk and don’t remember this happening, or anything leading up to me walking back to the house me and my boyfriend were staying at.

now a side note to this part; about four years ago after a night of drinking at a friends house, after being left alone at that party the same friend who came with to this event this past weekend had left me, I had wound up getting date raped.
now getting into how this goes with what I am trying to say, before I knew I was separated for an hour or even less time from everyone, I woke up just feeling bad for being drunk,it wasn’t until I was told that friend had left me thag I started to full on panic, with all these thoughts racing into my head of worse case scenarios, because of a past history involving drinking and sexual assault, I’m not sure if this is why I can’t let it go and have this crippling anxiety that the worst thing could have happened to me, despite reading messages that I was in contact with my boyfriend the whole time via text, not that some things made sense, but still was texting back in forth, had named two locations I was supposedly at during this drunk time. And also woke up not feeling like something had happened to my body (as if someone had done something to me type of way of that makes sense). I also suffer from, what I guess you can call a type of phobia, of hiv. THIS is due to an ex, passing a comment as a JOKE which wasn’t funny nor something to joke about obviously at all, I was civil with him at the time over the summer, and had said “oh I’m hiv+” (he is not) when asked why he went to the doctors. Now anyone with anxiety or even someone who dosent would freak out about that, rightfully so o went into fully panic mode, I got tested and was negative; and because I obsess over things I worry about and over think, during the course of the summer I’d get tested another two-three times...all negative. Now that background story being said, ever since thag I have been convinced somehow I’m going to get it, or have it ect, It’s become sort of a phobia triggered by that one comment. With that phobia and due to past history of something happening, when I drink too much, I’m convinced the next day and all these thoughts and worries come into my head thag something bad happened to me again and that I’m going to get hiv, I am not sure if this is my brains way of giving into both my fear and anxiety’s, maybe in a twisted way trying to give false reasons or rationalize to why it must be true, why I must have hiv or why I must have had something happen to me, even though logically nothing happened that day I was Separated. I AM ALSO someone who needs reassurance, especially with anxiety, I guess that’s why I kept getting so many tests done after an ex made that comment, so not having someone to be like you were 100% okay rather then me convince myself that it’s the truth and I’m just being myself with worries, overthinking, putting fake memories or thoughts into my head and believing them, that’s why I think I am struggling with this more then I would be. Because I was convinced someone had done something sexually to me, even tho again logically it couldn’t have happened, but had had someone to reassure me nothing like that happened. I also have a hard time letting go of a worry or worries, then overthink them and think on and on about what it means for me and my health and the future and just about everything under the sun... Sorry if this is just a whole lot of gibberish.

If anyone has any input or things that might help me, have helped you or can relate somewhat please feel free to respond;i am truly desperate at this point! Thanks again
 
JuliaW54

JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
135
Location
UK
You’ve been through a terrible ordeal. It was good to read that you are going back to therapy and I hope it helps you quickly.
 
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