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Crashing, spiralling

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Bord3rlin3Classy

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2019
Messages
1
Location
London
I’ve been diagnosed with BPD a couple months ago, but I had my suspicions since childhood. Fast forward lots of adverse experiences, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, neglect…suicide attempts, PTSD… I’m in the middle of a criminal investigation about one thing and a separate ex-partner was just recently released from the jail. I’m in and out of employment- shockingly within the mental health profession. I’m desperately lonely, with very few people I can talk to.

So I invested 3 years of my life with the first man who wasn’t cruel to me, seemed fairly consistent, if not emotionally retarded. I feel like its ending now. I’m 23, he’s 32, I thought age could bring me some maturity and security. But I keep giving my feelings to him and getting nothing. I understand that I have an avalanche of emotions regularly to contend with but I do try very hard to not explode things on him and I give him time to process a response. He just won’t say anything, he'll trivialise things by laughing or I’ll explain a situation happening and he’ll just ask, ‘well what are you going to do?’ I understand that men often have a practical mentality about most things, and he’s a builder, a literal “fixer”. I keep explaining I’m not asking him to fix things, and often I don't know how I'm going to respond to the problem. I just want to share what I'm going through and get comfort and feel heard. And he makes me feel like that’s crazy, and I’m just "kicking off" over nothing and it’s acceptable to “just listen” to feelings and say LITERALLY NOT A WORD. Often. I’ve even given very simple suggestions of what I’m hoping to hear, “that sounds stressful, I’m sorry you’re going through that.” And he can’t do that.

I grew up with abusive, neglectful, narcissistic and ultimately and abandoning parents. I understand this makes me particularly sensitive to lots of things, but not feeling heard is the worst feeling, especially at this point in my life. Unheard, unseen, ignored, belittled. This is all very triggering for me. I can’t tolerate it. I keep expressing that I feel pathetic begging someone to give me comfort, and already that’s just a difficult thing for me even ask for and to be consistently met with what feels like a rejection and dismissal of my feelings/problems, trivialising everything I say is heartbreaking. This is making me physically ill. This makes me want to lash out, engage one of many self destructive behaviours. I feel like I’m crashing now. I feel like I’ve wasted 3 years of my life with him, being generally dissatisfied but just so grateful that someone would love me and care for me and not hurt me.

I was so high throughout most of this relationship that the absence of emotional connection maybe was easier to ignore. But now I smoke a lot less than I used to, and this relationship for nearly the past year has been long distance, so without adequate communication what even is there?

I’m about to start a STEPPS program for BPD next week. I’m not optimistic. In my teen years I tried some DBT to stop the suicide attempts and yeah it sort of helped, but to be honest I just swapped self harm for self medication. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 11. I feel like an empty shell. I know I’ve hidden in this relationship and I’m scared about what losing this will do to me. I already feel so alone in this world, and it’s such a scary awful place to live in. I already live in a hellish limbo due to the ongoing criminal investigation. I don’t think I could meet anyone normal and they’d want to invest in a relationship with me if they knew how messed up I am. No medication has worked, I’ve had through so many over the years. Hopelessness is definitely setting into my bones and I’m conscious of what that may mean for me. I feel like ground zero is not too far away, the ground feels like its caving in, I’m being buried alive. I'm spiralling into a dangerous pit of despair.
 
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Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,246
We have the same parents. What gave me some peace was realizing that my NPD mom was not mentally well and that she didn’t even understand what she was doing so wrong. It was part of her illness.

You need to understand, which I think you do, that you are you because of their illness and abandonment.

You also have to try to understand that people not raised this way will feel at a loss to understand and help.

I will wager that your partner doesn’t offer any significant advice because he tried in the past and it backfired on him. His asking you to solve your issues isn’t a bad thing, but it seems couched in caution of not wanting to say the wrong thing and upset you.

Your self medication shuts you off from him, leaving him further unable to help you.

I know you are in pain right now, and I’m very sorry for that. I just wanted to give you some perspective, which I hope gives understanding, then healing.

Keep going to therapy. They are the professionals you need right now.

Your partner, no matter how much he loves you, is not trained in bpd. He can only be there to hold your hand as you do the hard work to get through this.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,582
Location
USA
Hey BClassy.

That sounds like ALOT to be going through so young. I’m around your age and can’t imagine all that. I’m stressed out from a lot less on my plate. So don’t feel bad for being overwhelmed. I think anyone would be.

Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean you’ve wasted three years. You’ll take lessons learned with you from this.

And I hope STEPPS helps you! You’re not a teenager anymore. You’re tougher, smarter, and you probably have better insight than you did then. Try to enter it with an open mind
 
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