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Crap crap crap!

prairiechick

prairiechick

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I am in so much trouble right now. Being reported by the caretaker to the property management company. My dishwasher leaked so bad that it leaked into the apartment below me, and the caretaker came into my apartment and saw the absolute disgusting disaster that my place is. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dirty, unwashed floor. Bags of garbage that I haven't taken out to the dumpster. Bathroom not cleaned in weeks. Used hair dye bottles all over bathroom counter. I feel so ashamed. I have until Monday to get this cleaned up. Caretaker took pictures on his phone to send to the property management company.
 
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dale

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Its like one big vicious cycle living in a hovel, I've been there! On one hand you've got a leak but you can't let anymore in through feeling ashamed of how untidy the place is too fix it, then it gets worse and worse.

At my last bungalow I had a small bathroom tap leak which eroded until it become one big gush and made my bathroom completely mouldy, the house was a tip with bags full of rubbish, ect.
 
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itsallaboutme

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Start will getting rid of the bags profitably at night when nobody is around, thats what I used to do.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I don't know why I let it get so bad. Hopefully I will learn my lesson through this, without getting evicted.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I feel a lot of despair, and I think my messy, dirty apartment manifests that despair. It's like life is so shitty that I really don't care if I live in a dirty hovel. But deep down I know I do care. I'm just so tired. Bone weary. Exhausted. Worn out. I have another 10 days before my holidays are done and I go back to work, but I feel like I need more time. I have the last 2 weeks of August off, but it's not enough. I feel like I am on the edge of burnout. I still think about suicide, how easy it would be to put an end to the inner turmoil. I see my psychiatrist on Monday.
 
flowergirl

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prairiechick you are not alone really you are not. i had my landlord over today terrifiedly trying to hide things that need sorting hiding mess in cupboards etc. the stress and anxiety that goes with it is sooo bad. It is from being depressed and just trying to make it through to bedtime. there must be so many others that live like this because they dont have the energy motivation and are in dispair. i am keeping my fingers crossed for you but remember its not like you have deliberately trashed anything it was accidental and you cant help being unwell. i signed up to flylady to try to help me get on top of things im no where near there yet but it does help it sends u tips on crisis cleaning and routines of tiny steps to get things sorted. just do 5 mins of anything and then have 5 mins rest. i am thinking of you please dont feel ashamed you are not alone xxx
 
prairiechick

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Thank you, flowergirl. I guess it does have to do with being depressed. I think that whatever my illness is (starting to suspect bpd as well), my organizational skills also have much to be desired.

I didn't get much cleaning done today, because I was sick. I was vomiting water, because I had nothing else left in my stomach. You are right about the anxiety. It is really bad right now. I also still feel a lot of despair, and still think about how I could end it for myself permanently. I just want to give up and let someone else take care of me.
 
Mayfair

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Dirty, unwashed floor. Bags of garbage that I haven't taken out to the dumpster. Bathroom not cleaned in weeks. Used hair dye bottles all over bathroom counter. I feel so ashamed. I have until Monday to get this cleaned up. Caretaker took pictures on his phone to send to the property management company.
I think sometimes you don't notice these things (or the severity) until pointed out. That might sound ridiculous but it isn't.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Hey Mayfair, I do notice, but for some reason I lack the motivation to do anything about it until I am forced to.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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Hey Mayfair, I do notice, but for some reason I lack the motivation to do anything about it until I am forced to.
Fair enough. Perhaps I was mistaken with my own experiences, when I clearly lacked the motivation to notice anything that didn't interest me.
 
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findingmyownway

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Try and ask for some friends or family to come round and help you clean the place up.

If it comes to having to tidy everything up yourself, then I think the only thing you can say to yourself is ''Right, this is going to be a rubbish 3 or so days'' Accept it, do it, feel crap. ..But know that once you've done it you'll feel a million times better. There is no other way round it, it's not going to tidy itself (as my mum used to say to me). Just do it, feel crap and do it. You'll feel better afterwards.
 
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findingmyownway

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You might not also realise how much better you'll feel once you have sorted the place out.

It's difficult in my experience to keep an organized mind if you're living in a disorganized mess. You'll probably feel a lot better - I almost gaurentee you'll feel much more on top of everything and on top of your mind and the way you feel once you have tidied things up.

You can take it as far as you want really.. you can even make little O.C.D draws for everything (seriously). It can be satisfying!! Your post has reminded me to do a tidy up tomorrow.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I'm going to have an all out cleaning day tomorrow. I did get a fair bit done yesterday, which is good, because today I was too physically sick to do much although I did get a couple of loads in the dishwasher and took out more garbage and and 2 recycling bins. I just felt so faint after that, and afraid I was going to start vomiting bile, so I took some Gravol in hopes of not having to heave again. Most of the dishes are done, I just have to wipe and sanitize the kitchen counters and the sink. I cleaned out underneath the sink yesterday too, and dealt with the piles of paper mounting up on my kitchen table and the mess of books, papers, and CSI DVDs on my couch. I need to finish tidying the living room and clean the bathroom. The biggest job is going to be my bedroom. At some point tomorrow I am going to treat myself to an iced cappuccino from Tim Horton's.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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You are right, I do feel better when I do finally get all cleaned up. It's easier to relax in a tidy environment.
You might not also realise how much better you'll feel once you have sorted the place out.

It's difficult in my experience to keep an organized mind if you're living in a disorganized mess. You'll probably feel a lot better - I almost gaurentee you'll feel much more on top of everything and on top of your mind and the way you feel once you have tidied things up.

You can take it as far as you want really.. you can even make little O.C.D draws for everything (seriously). It can be satisfying!! Your post has reminded me to do a tidy up tomorrow.
 
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