CPTSD and emotional abandonment

R

Rayofhope

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Joined
Jul 10, 2017
Messages
8
#1
Ok I’m really disappointed in myself. My CPTSD lies with emotional abandonment, mainly in intimate relationships. If there is a perception that my partner is “elsewhere” mentally then it makes me completely panic. It’s more overwhelming for me than the individual actually leaving. I have therapy twice a week and a lot of the time I’m able to rationalise my panic and not confront my partner about a particular thing he might have said, for example. Howvever, I’ve been pretty bad the past few days (hormones don’t help) and last night, I was just speaking to him about soulmates and I asked him if he believed in them. His response was “I only believe something when it’s in front of
Me”. Well -my heart sank, obviously thinking, oh..it’s not me then. That was my immediate reaction and I explained this to him. However, he then went on too say that it seems as though he can’t live me
Enough. I always want more. But the thing is, I’m so observant of everything slight so even if he hugs me, I can sense it’s just a means to an end. It’s not a loving embrace. I had a bit of a panic attack last night and he started getting frustrated saying that I make him feel inadequate. I get this. But I tried to explain that this is irrational and I’m trying to manage it. It’ll be a while before I’m “healed” and can manage my responses automatically.
I then went to divulge about my thoughts. The thing is, after last night, I knew I would be feeling how I do the next day: he’s gone to work so I’m panicking that he’s planning a way to leave. I’m worried that he’s scared off by me. I feel so embarrassed. I haven’t felt this bad in a while and I’m resisting the urge to
Message him because I don’t want to make it his problem and I want to grow. I just feel so awful
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Jun 11, 2017
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#2
Hello.I can really relate to what you're saying.I'm sorry you struggle so much.

I hope you're talking about all of this in therapy and your therapist is helping you recognize what's you and your issues and what belongs to your partners blame/issues.I say that because it sounds like you are blaming all the problems on yourself because of your CPTSD. But really,how much of it is your fault?

I think anyone would be hurt if their partner said what yours did about soulmates.Most would have taken it the way you did and been upset. You're blaming yourself for it though,aren't you?You said " a lot of the time I’m able to rationalise my panic and not confront my partner about a particular thing he might have said" and I can't help but wonder how many other times things are said that would be upsetting for most people and you are being blamed,or blaming yourself for your reactions.I'm really not trying to open a can on worms for you or add more problems to your already existent problems but from experience I know how easy it is to blame yourself and feel like shit about yourself without doing a reality check about it and taking a look at the situation for what it is.Those of us with CPTSD or PTSD aren't the greatest with seeing things for how they truly are and tend to just take the blame for all the problems in a relationship and many times the other person uses it to their advantage to not take responsibility for themselves.They learn right away how easy it is to fuck with our heads and blame us.Is it possible that's what going on in your relationship?What he said to you after you were upset sounds like manipulation to me,he said something hurtful and then turned it around on you by using pity.He got out of saying something hurtful and you blamed yourself for your reaction,see what I mean?

Those of us with CPTSD and PTSD doubt ourselves too,question what we think and feel and everything else.You said "I’m so observant of everything slight so even if he hugs me, I can sense it’s just a means to an end. It’s not a loving embrace".Are you doubting what you sense or do you trust it?Most people would say trust your instincts but I know how hard that can be.

Sorry for such a long reply.It's just that I've been in your shoes and it's hard to know what's what.I suggest you keep a journal,write down every time you and your partner have an argument or when he says something that really impacts you.Write down all the things you're feeling about it and then go back when you've calmed down and write about it again,how you're feeling and what you're thinking. Talk with your therapist about some of it so you can see exactly how many of the problems are you because of your CPTSD and how much of it is him just gaslighting,manipulating and blaming you.If it turns out it is all you then you know what to work on in therapy.If you can see that he's playing a big part in it too then you can decide what to do about that, couple's therapy ,rethinking the relationship or whatever.I have a feeling though that you will realize that it's not all you,especially after reading that he got frustrated because you had a panic attack and said you make him feel inadequate.That's not him being loving,kind or understanding,that's him making it all about him and manipulating you to make you feel like shit about yourself.

Sorry if I have upset or offended you but I just felt like I needed to say these things.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
1,835
Location
USA
#3
I just read some of your other posts.Is your partner the same one you have been talking about or is this a different one?