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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Could you help me please.

SadSoul

SadSoul

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In one week I will see my gp and I'm scared. She will decide whether I shall stay on esa sg and keep dla/pip.

I'm depressed. Did pip stress make me depressed or was I depressed and therefore pip was stressful?

All I know is that if I awake tomorrow unable to get out of bed, I will panic.

My world is caving in.
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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How funny that I just replied to your post and then I saw you had been here on mine. Thank you.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

I am going to try and bath. This tired depression is eased with a bath. Please don't let me be more depressed tomorrow.

How can I ever work when stress makes me depressed. I was well and happy in March.
 
blueflames

blueflames

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I am sure it will be fine tomo and your GP will see that you are not ready to come off esa

If you don't make it, you could always ask for a phone consultation??
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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I hope so blueflames. I think it'll be ok but you just never know. My life is in their hands. Scarey.

The appointment is next Thursday. I won't be going alone. This depression will be around for a while. De ja vu just now! Yes a while. Mornings are worse and I'll see her in the morning.

Guilt and tears today. I'm so tired I'm not thinking much now.
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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I need help. My life is suffering. It's all suffering.

You go for help and get told you are a piece of shit. Not worth bothering with. Spoken to with hatred. A few were kind but most were trying to destroy me.

I'm going it alone. All I need is the gp to say I can't work.

How can you work when you feel like this. I can't even get out of bed.

I wish God would take me.
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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Those hugs touched me.

I've managed to get through since 3.30am when I woke up. My temazepam would have worn off about half seven. That's a lot of hours of emotional stress.

I've been reading that this might be a test. A trial. Something I have to get through.

I am going to try and take whatever persecution comes my way and stand strong. By standing strong I mean not suicide. I will retreat and hide probably. Tax payers will have to pay for my keep because I am not able.

Our sick and disabled or perhaps those of us being tested, cannot work sometimes.

One day I will become strong but right now I am weak.

I've done nothing wrong is what I keep telling myself. I did nothing wrong. My persecutors or were they puppets? They can try to break me but...

I'm lost. I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm on the right path and I will figure it out.

Why do we have to go through this and many others not?
 
blueflames

blueflames

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Hey sad soul

I am really sorry to find you in such distress :hug1:

Do you want to talk more about why you feel so persecuted?? has something happened or is this torment going on in your head? something from the past?

I am sure the GP will be alright and help you. Do you have contact with mental health services? it might help to get some therapy?

We are here for you xx
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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Blueflames I'm trying to find a reason for all of this. I panic all day and when you don't sleep well the day is long. I'm terrified of everything. Life and death. I'm just existing. I'm scared. I'm eating ok but I can barely stand to cook.

The sick thing is I probably have nothing to worry about. My gp has already said she understands I may not return to work. She is temperamental though. It's like walking on eggshells with her. I don't think she can cope with stress of her job either. I need to talk to her soul to soul. If she turns out to be another persecutor then I will have to look elsewhere.

I'm getting too deep in this thinking aren't I.

I read things and then obsess about them.

I don't know how to make sense of this.

I was a police officer you know. I was good at my job. The stress made me flip out though. I think.

Whatever is happening, I will be ok, says my rational mind.
I cannot numb my chemicals all the time. I rode some anxiety out and peace came. I'm starting to relax. My thoughts are crazy and frenetic.

I worry I will be all calm and well when I see the gp or assessor.

I spend all of my life worrying about benefits.

I worry about why I have been targeted by others since college. Why do people say they hate you? Why do people lie about you? Why do people call you names? This extended to the psych teams. Kick me when I'm down why don't you. Destroy me why don't you. Stick the boot in. Talking behind my back continues.

Who has been talking about me? At CAB yesterday I never told them my diagnosis and yet they knew! They didn't say but they were trying to guess. They did try and help. Spent ages telling me support group isn't easy to get into so if ive been in it this long I shouldn't worry. Telling someone with anxiety not to worry is like telling a heart not to beat.

Tell me what to do. What to think.

Right. I'm lucky. I have love. I have lived. Travelled. Experienced. I'm alive. I survived and keep on surviving. I hear the sounds of the world and smell the smells. I get it. I know. I feel it. I sense it.

Why?
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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I have been baking cakes. I can feel it all somewhere in my mind but I have these periods of relief and peace. It's confusing.
 

MarlieeB

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I have been baking cakes. I can feel it all somewhere in my mind but I have these periods of relief and peace. It's confusing.
Baking cakes always makes me feel better but right now I'm just too tired physically and mentally.
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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I get that MarlieeBee. I haven't baked for a month. My med is propping me up so I don't completely hit the bottom. I fall and it seems to prop me up. I am working hard with my cbt skills. I keep having an hour of pain and end up curled on the floor crying. This is illness. I am ill I tell myself. I am ill so I must rest.

It's a full time job staying alive.
 
SadSoul

SadSoul

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Apr 25, 2015
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One good thing about being on the edge of death is that sometimes you feel so peaceful and warmed with being alive.

Paddling in a river
Watching swans and geese
Drinking a hot cup of tea
Slipping into a swimming pool
Laying on a fluffy blanket with a candle lit after lunch
Clean clothes
Going food shopping
Watching fish swim
Warm sunshine
Rain on a window
The smell of wet grass and woodland
Breeze on a bike
 
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