Could use some help if anybody's experienced this before

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Pogo1000

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May 31, 2018
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#1
Lately I've had a sort of nagging thought in the back of my head about trying some strong kind of drug. The only drug I've ever used recreationally is marijuana, and I liked it but imo it wasn't everything people make it out to be. For some reason, since the last time I tried it, I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to try something stronger. I've become rather fascinated by the idea of getting myself addicted to a stronger drug of some sort and just letting my life get carried away and fall apart. I've imagined being passed out in a world of my own somewhere, high out of my mind with no belongings or money. It's like I can feel what it'd be like to live from high to high, and it seems amazing in a bittersweet way. It sounds horrible and I know it would be, but at the same time it's all I can think about sometimes. I've seen the effects of drugs and how they can ruin your life first-hand, but even that doesn't phase me.

The only way I can make sense of this is by boiling it down to subconsciously not wanting to be in control of my life, but why would anyone want to lose control?

Sorry if this post somehow offends someone. Any input is appreciated, thanks for reading.

Edit: To elaborate, I've experience the effects of drug addiction through my mother. She was addicted to pills from the time I was 2 to around 14 or 15 years of age. She had to support a drug addiction and two kids on one income, since we didn't have a father. We barely had money for food or shelter growing up and I was able to observe the many effects drugs had on my mother as well.
 
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Kerome

Kerome

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#2
Well, I think you should think about the other, negative side of it: how you might be living from needy withdrawal to trying to get money to a short high to more needy withdrawal. It doesn’t sound so great to me, in fact not far short of a particularly cruel form of torture.
 
Seachad

Seachad

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#3
Sure. The idea of living from one high to the next is attractive on the face of it. No responsibility. No worries. Just bliss. No belongings to worry about. No deadlines to meet. No commitments to keep. Nobody to worry about disappointing. You'll be blissed-out and won't care, anyhow, so it won't matter what people think, or what your circumstances actually are. It'll just all be wonderful and everything'll be just fine....

Except, of course, that's not how it really is. That's the momentary dream-high that the junkie's always chasing and trying to get back to. Meanwhile, tolerance builds, it requires more and more product to achieve and maintain the high, and the damage from the side-effects increases. It also costs more and more to obtain the increasing amounts of product necessary to achieve and maintain the high.

Note that I'm not talking about a little recreational weed, from time to time, here. I'm talking about the "living from high-to-high" life you're describing. In that case, it doesn't matter what drug is deriving from. The same process is pretty much true with anything from alcohol, to weed, to pills, to meth, to heroin, to....

And, of course, I'll wager your fantasy doesn't go farther than lying passed out. It doesn't include the fact that you'd be lying passed out in a pool of your own vomit urine or feces, or any combination thereof, any of the very unpleasant things that can happen to a body while incapacitated and helpless (or reduced in capacity) and vulnerable of people who aren't nice and like easy targets to rob and / or abuse, the hell that is withdrawal, the things that withdrawal make your brain think are perfectly reasonable (such as stealing from people, or hurting them until they give you what you need -- but you'll stop as soon as they do. After all, you're not a bad person. It's just that you really need this....) and the like.

I'm not telling you that drugs are evil. Drugs are drugs. They are what they are. Addiction, however, is f'ugly. I can understand the attractiveness of your fantasy. But that's all it is. A fantasy. It really doesn't resemble the reality of what you're trying to imagine at all.

I've lived on the streets. I've known addicts. I've lived among them and with them. You do not want to be one, if it can be avoided. Believe me in this, if nothing else.

Wishing you well.
 
O

ohioeddie

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Jun 5, 2018
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Lima, Ohio
#4
Please do not purposely get yourself addicted to any drug. Take advice from a near 15 year opioid and opiate addict. Life as an addict is ten times worse than that of somebody with depression (in my opinion).

Once you make the decision to become an addict you'll never EVER be able to go back, and it will make your anxiety and depression much worse.
 
S

Snakebit

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Jul 19, 2018
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#5
Hi pogo. Your post really resonated with me for I kind of had similar thoughts before my addiction to a legal high I would buy online. For me, it was the sheer curiosity of the nature of addiction. Sounds mental, but I honestly remember thinking, I wonder if I could be an addict? Would it be so bad? How many times do you have to take the drug to create an addiction? Why do people become addicted? Honestly, looking back, it was just mental.
 
Not_Crazy_Yet

Not_Crazy_Yet

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#6
I can tell you from experience living from one high to the next is barely living. I would often wake up in ridiculous places.... The woods for example, or in a pile of garbage, once on top of a still powered radiator type heater with severe burns. Often not even sure what drugs I had ingested or how I had gotten there. Where was my other shoe? Why is my TV remote in the freezer? Who smashed all my furniture? The answer to these questions is I was fucked out of mind and totally sideways. Sounds great right? Not really. The sad thing is most of these times I don't even remember the high. So I blacked out for long periods of time. Lost days, money, possessions, and possibly my soul. Now that I'm soberish (I'll never be clean I'm a junkie) I still crave the hard drugs. Just today I was wishing I had some heroin. Scary thing is I have the money that I could buy some. My advise: don't do it.
 
M

mlw

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#7
Hi, I am glad to hear you are doing so well in your path. My ex is a heroin addict and he too, would have visual hallucinations when he mixed heroin & fentanyl together. He would do the exact same things as you, but have no recollection of it. Sometimes I would think of this as a drug-induced psychotic episode, where visual or auditory hallucinations are present, and doing things out of not knowing, just totally blind to what he was doing, and had no recollection of it while he was doing it, but came to after the high wore off. Scary. I have never known what these were called and tried to research it, but I firmly believe they were visual hallucinations, as he would see things that were not actually there and have full blown conversations with and about them. I hope you are doing much better in your life. Best wishes! :)
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

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#8
I can tell you from experience living from one high to the next is barely living. I would often wake up in ridiculous places.... The woods for example, or in a pile of garbage, once on top of a still powered radiator type heater with severe burns. Often not even sure what drugs I had ingested or how I had gotten there. Where was my other shoe? Why is my TV remote in the freezer? Who smashed all my furniture? The answer to these questions is I was fucked out of mind and totally sideways. Sounds great right? Not really. The sad thing is most of these times I don't even remember the high. So I blacked out for long periods of time. Lost days, money, possessions, and possibly my soul. Now that I'm soberish (I'll never be clean I'm a junkie) I still crave the hard drugs. Just today I was wishing I had some heroin. Scary thing is I have the money that I could buy some. My advise: don't do it.
And many of those cases that are ruled out as an overdose or suicide by overdose are actually accidental overdoses where the person initiates the trip with 5 pills and during his trip ends up taking the rest of the bottle without any knowledge of it. Forensics can't prove this and yet I'm sure it happens.
 
ghost_girl80

ghost_girl80

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#9
no dont do it. thats what landed me in prison & almost killed me! being hooked on the stronger stuff is really not what some think. its dangerous & makes life miserable! trust me, i been there & its not all that, it sucks bad actually!
 
BleachedViolet

BleachedViolet

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#11
Don't. If you can at all prevent this from evolving, don't. Keep that door shut. I get the seductive allure, but it's all smoke and mirrors. Nothing good comes from that world and you'll meet a whole new level of manipulative, parasitic people who are just waiting to prey on your cash, sanity, safety, etc...

No high lasts long enough, and you're always chasing the first few, bc tolerance builds *fast*. Then you're stuck in a cycle of shit, in a pathetic state between dead and alive, but closer to dead. You're life, every thought and cent you have, goes towards feeding this monster. I had times I prayed for death to set me free, but was one of the lucky ones, in that I had a momentary 'out' and I took advantage...

If you get the itch, don't scratch...

Reach out here. Go to a meeting and hear people's horror stories. Talk to a friend. Call helpline. Go for a walk, a drive, anything until the urge passes.

Plenty of people care about you. If I could go back in time, I'd never open that pandora's box. It multiplies your problems infinitely. My life is only now just beginning to get back on track, but I fear my husband is a mental casualty of our capricious actions...

Stay strong, and use any resource you can, including here, during a moment of weakness...
 
BleachedViolet

BleachedViolet

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Light from a dead star...
#12
P.S. and, as another poster mentioned, it takes years for your mind/synapses to rewire, and they never do fully... Part of the many reasons relapse is so high/common. Acute withdrawal is hell, but beyond those 1-2 weeks, you have constant anxiety, body aches, paranoias, burnt bridges, etc... that never fully dissipate.

PM me if you want to chat ever or are on a ledge...