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Could use some advice

jackskellington

jackskellington

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
675
Location
Scotland
I have had depression and anxiety for years
I'm very insecure and can get really jealous and it's not justified. It's ruining my relationship and I need some help to sort myself out before it gets really bad and I push my partner away... I don't want that... couldn't be without her
please advise?
thanks
 
L

Lucid_Dreamer

New member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
1
Location
UK
Hi Jack,

My first post, so bear with me...fingers crossed that its helpful :)

My immediate reply would be: understand and resolve your insecurity and resulting jealousy; your depression/anxiety and relationship difficulties may be effects/symptoms of this, which may improve if you tackle the insecurity/jealousy first. Some people have an idea about what would help resolve their issue...Is there anything that strikes you as helpful to become more secure in yourself and in your relationship?

A more reflective reply follows:

From my view, it seems like there's a few issues that you're processing here: depression/anxiety; your insecurity/jealousy; and your relationship difficulties. You could tackle these issues separately, but they also seem intermingled. After all, you begin by identifying your depression/anxiety before discussing the topic of your relationship, so I'm guessing that you consider both to influence one another.

But let's start with your insecurity and jealousy:

I'm very insecure and can get really jealous and it's not justified. It's ruining my relationship and I need some help to sort myself out before it gets really bad and I push my partner away... I don't want that... couldn't be without her
please advise?
thanks
You sound really desperate to keep the relationship from falling apart, so its obvious that its very special to you. You also take quite a lot of responsibility for the difficulties, and you consider that there's something you can do to salvage the relationship from ruins... So, your ultimate goal is not to lose her; and there's hope there somewhere, that things will work out if you can resolve this insecurity/jealousy. So, let's look at jealousy.

Jealousy is a painful emotion, and in its extremes it can be excrutiating. You fear losing her to someone else. Jealousy is the reaction to the threat that we might lose the affection of someone important to us and that these affections will be directed to someone else. Jealousy is the fear that your intimacy will be lost to an outsider; so long as we percieve others as offering intimacy to our partner and vice versa, we fear that this threatens our own intimate connection with that person. Jealousy can be expressed by: suspiciousness; rejection; hostility; anger; fear; hurt.

Its worth remembering that jealousy is a normal response in any intimate relationsip, in as much as such a relationship is social, existing in a world with others. But you say that your jealousy is unjustified, so I'm assuming that your fear of losing your partner's intimacy is irrational/unrealistic/disproportionate. This might be a chicken-egg question, but what's bigger for you: the insecurity in your relationship (jealousy); or the insecurity in yourself? And what areas are you insecure in?
 
Last edited:
J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
more info please

The only information you provided is that you feel insecure and get jealous. To get any meaningful feedback, I think that you should provide a lot more information.

Why do you feel insecure? do you feel that you are too old, fat, bald, uneducated, etc? I don't mean to imply that you are any of those things, but I do wonder what you feel that you are lacking in that makes you feel insecure. That insecurity is probably linked to your jealousy in that you feel that someone else is better than you in some regard. There are many traits that don't matter in the long term, and some that do. Maybe there are some ways you could change or improve yourself? Maybe there is some person you are trying to impress who is not worth trying to impress?
 
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