Could my ex potentially be BPD?



New member
Jul 20, 2019
Hey all,

Sorry this is a lot but I will try and keep it as brief as I can.

I met this girl online last year and she told me she was bi. We got into a relationship that lasted 2 months. She was living with her ex GF at the time. I remember at the time she was self harming and depressed. She was very sexual with me and sent me lots of naked pictures. I didn’t ask for them. She ended things with me saying she was gay. I accepted and we went our separate ways.
That was August 2018. We don’t start talking properly again until February 2019.

She messaged me out the blue asking how I was and we started chatting on Whatsapp. We arranged to meet up but she went quite at the last minute. We picked up speaking again a few days later. She then invited me out with her and her friends. She flirted with me that night and wanted to kiss me. Her sister told her not to saying “wait until you know what you want.” She then told me she was Pansexual and wanted to hang out more.

We hung out and we talked about what happened after we split. She said she had been self harming and on anti depressants. Suicidal thoughts too. She said she was in a better place and it was a mistake to let me go. We agreed to take things slow and work towards a relationship. She did say however she would be talking about women a lot and appreciating them. Sure enough the whole time always talking about women. Never really guys. She is also obsessed with K-pop and fancies a lot of the women.

We were constantly talking from February to early May. Phoning me after work and saying she loved me. The naked pictures happened again. She came to my place and made out with me. I helped her move out in late April. It went well and she was grateful. The following weekend I stayed over at her place. We went out for a meal and she took a picture of me and captioned it “Date Night” she then was pleased her ex GF had seen it.

We started having sex again. She had expressed it had to be rough with no talking. Anyway that weekend went well. I left on the Monday. Tuesday the norm. Texts and a phone call. Wednesday things go bad.

She goes quieter than normal. Replies but something is off. I get a message saying we need to have a serious talk. She says she woke up and I was touching her. Said an ex had done that to her and took things too far. I explained I woke up feeling horny and just wanted to initiate intimacy. I was gentle and it was only for a few minutes. When I got no reaction I stopped. She never told me to stop or brought it up until days later. She said I had gone too far and she doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me anymore. Says no to me asking for a second chance.

We speak 4 days later and she says her goodbyes and says I took advantage of her. I feel awful. I sunk into a deep depression. I managed to arrange a face to face meeting. She said what I had done was the absolute worst thing. She had rather I cheated. She said she didn’t want a relationship with me or anyone at the moment. We said we would take a break from one another and reach out in the future.

Week goes by and we see each other on the dating app Plenty of Fish. She then blocks me on Whatsapp. I text her saying she is an awful person and a liar and i’m done and goodbye. Bit of back and forth and then she starts apologising for everything and saying she doesn’t deserve me. We talk on the phone and make amends over what happened. She was very upset during the call and cried a few times. Admitted she runs when something upsets her instead of talking. We agree to give things another go. She did mention however she had told all her friends and family and they weren’t happy with me. She made me look really bad.

I go see her June 2nd. We agree we’re back together. Set boundaries and agree we both want long term. Back to normal. Phone calls. Love you etc see her the following weekend. Back to having sex and she is very sexual with me that weekend. Following weekend she goes all quiet and weird on me again while I am over. Sat her down to talk. She tells me she is gay and just wants women. Said she wants me as her male best friend and wants me in her life. She goes off on holiday the next day.

We stay in contact and hang out the last weekend of June. One final talk about it all. She said her dad is opposed to her sexuality and now she has moved out she can do what she likes. She says everything is her fault and I did nothing wrong. She said I have been amazing and the next girl will be very lucky to have me. We have stayed in contact since then. I have to initiate conversation but she does get back to me and we get on well. So we are on good terms and have said we’re friends. I think she is talking to someone new. She is on her phone a lot and when I saw her last she was talking a lot to another girl whose name I did not recognise.

I am starting to wonder now however if she has BPD. I think she may have PCOS because she has hirsutism (dark hair on her chin, breasts, stomach, buttocks and legs). Which would potentially mean she has high testosterone.

The reason I think she may have BPD is that her relationships seem to be on and off. She was with a girl for 4 years before me but she said that was on and off. Me and her are on and off. She saw a girl after she dumped me the first time and that lasted a month or so she said. She can also be child like in her interactions. She wanted to pinky swear with me when we broke up the last time that we would remain friends. She was giggling while we were breaking up as well and seemed very happy after we agrees just friends. She has a lot of cuddly toys in her bed. She also goes all quiet and shy if something is wrong. She seemed to value me a lot and then just chucked me away out of nowhere over text. When I tried to say goodbye she went all apologetic and that made me feel bad. She also said she slept around after breaking up with her ex the second time. They broke up 3 or 4 times. She is also terrible with her money and always in the minus. Also the self harming and suicidal thoughts. She once told me if she didn’t have her drawing she would be self harming instead. Said she would be dead if it wasn’t for her friends.

I’ve also noticed she lies a fair amount. For example. When I saw her on POF she said she was on there cancelling a subscription. Also told me she could show me the bank transfers to prove it. I knew it was a lie because the account was new and didn’t have the gold star that upgraded members have. She later admitted it was a lie and she was looking for someone to talk too. I did say to her she could of told me to go away and mind my own business but she said she didn’t as she realised she was about to lose me for good.

Sorry this is so much to read. People have said I should walk away and block her out completely but I feel bad for her. Plus we get on like a house on fire. Just going forwards i’m not sure how to conduct this friendship. I’m thinking we should take some time apart and see how we are in a few months.
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Well-known member
Mar 20, 2019
This woman is a car crash waiting to happen , you don`t have a seatbelt on !!

Sorry, but this is a toxic person and friendship. She has a lot of issues and needs to get help, she wants you as a best friend, but what are you getting out of this?? A hell of a lot of baggage!

Really, end this friendship, it`s not a functioning, personable, authentic relationship.

She needs help.


Well-known member
Mar 9, 2012
Tigger and Willow's house
The fact she keeps lying to you is a red flag. Personally, if someone lies to me I have a serious problem trusting them again. Been lied to too many times.

I agree with Edinscot, she needs help.


Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Sep 29, 2014
The Land of Oz
This woman sounds a lot like my ex partner, right down to the POF thing. I got tired of the lies and manipulation. My life needs stability that she refused. I kicked her to the kerb and cut all contact. Life is much better with a different person.

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