- Mar 27, 2010
Firstly, I feel like a complete freak. I'm 17, and it's just getting worse. I go through moments of severe depression. When I'm in a depressive state, I sometimes contemplate suicide. It kind of becomes and obsession. I just want to be alone in my room. I become sensitive to sound and bright light. (I sit in my room with my curtains shut and only need the light of my computer.) When my mum comes into my room, or raises her voice when she's on the phone, I feel like smashing everything in the house up. This makes me feel bad, because I love my mum, but I can't control these feelings. I don't even know why I feel like this. When I'm feeling down, I just hate myself so much, and I tell myself things like "I've had enough, I'm going to have to kill myself one day." I feel like this most of the time. Other times, I feel happy and optimistic..but not to any extreme. This is why I'm doubting that I have Bipolar. When I do feel positive, it's the best feeling ever, but I know it won't last.. it's the same routine over and over. I have never experienced extreme mania, and I've never hallucinated. My mind does often race with thoughts though. Weird thoughts. Like, today, I was sitting on the bus, and I found myself thinking about what would happen if the bus was on fire. I imagined everything that would happen in detail, and I thought about it for about 5 minutes. Then I thought to myself, "what the hell?!" This happens often. I also hear voices within my head.. like most people(?) But the weird thing is, I believe what "they" say. Eg. I walk downstairs, get a packet of biscuits out of the cupboard, and then I leave them on the side. Then, after about 5 seconds, a voice in my head tells me that it's wrong, and bad things will happen to me if I don't put them back in the cupboard. The voice that I hear is my OWN thoughts though, I'm not hallucinating, but I just feel the need to do what it says. I also suffer with extreme anxiety. Especially social. I find it difficult to talk to most people and this makes me feel worse. Does any of this sound odd? It's beginning to worry me and I can't talk to anyone.