Could I be bipolar?

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Loki33

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Joined
Mar 25, 2019
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2
Location
New York
#1
So I've been battling depression for as long as I remember. Currently on wellbutrin but things have continued to fall apart. My wife has been extremely patient in trying to help me and has been looking into the possibility of me being bipolar. I've been listening to podcasts, watching videos, and looking into it a lot and it seems fitting.
A little about me, I'm 30yr old male, self employed for about 3 years. My business does well, but I go back and forth from thinking its going to be extremely profitable to ready to give it up. Recently I've been having days where I'll literally sit on my computer watching conspiracy theory videos on YouTube. Then the next day I'll spend the entire day working hard, ready to turn everything around. Mixed in with a night's of heavy drinking just to drown out everything until I pass out. My anger has gotten way worse too but it's usually general self loathing with spikes of extreme and that usually leads to me breaking things or punching holes in walls.
I've tried a few times to end my marriage, convincing myself I can never make her happy and she'd be better off without me but she refuses to give up. The biggest issue lately has been the argument of kids, I want to want to make a happy life together but I just can't see it. I'm constantly leaving my wife confused and frustrated because I go from needing to be the life of the party, texting anyone in my phone I can think of - to wanted to stay home alone, shut away from even her. I never seem to think about the big purchases I make, as soon as it's something I decide I need to get, I've already bought it. I can get so caught up at work I'll go until early morning, until my body just passes out from exhaustion or I drink until I can fall asleep. Once in a while the paranoia kicks in ( I try not to tell her because it sounds crazy to even me) . Once I looked around our house for like an hour thinking she had hid cameras in the lights or something to spy on me while she's not home.

I'm not sure what to think of everything, I've been trying to get into a psychiatrist but it's taking forever. I've met with regular therapists a few times and nothing ever comes of it. I think everything sort of makes sense with bipolar II maybe? I don't seem to experience quite as much mania, but maybe hypomania? Maybe it's something completely different and I'm just making it fit to try and make sense of it.

As people who know more about it all do you think it fits? I'm hoping to get into a psychiatrist this week but I needed to talk to someone until then.
 
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Yodagirl

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Mar 9, 2019
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Georgia USA
#2
Hello and welcome. I’ve recently been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. It sounds like you could have bipolar disorder and in hypo mania. But of course I’m no doctor and you should see a doctor,as I honestly cant say what you do or don’t have 🙂 I’ve been married for 14 years and always feel my husband deserves better. I also feel he will eventually leave me so I’ve left him before before he could leave me. I always tell him he should leave because he deserves a better life. But he too refuses to give up.
 
J

johnsmith2222

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Mar 24, 2019
Messages
15
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grand rapids michigan
#3
Sounds like your doing what you have to to me. I'm sure Someone who knows about these things better then me will comment soon. But yeah man Gotta see the doc. Their pretty good at fixing this stuff.

EDIT ADDED: That post wasnt there :)
 
L

Loki33

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Mar 25, 2019
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Location
New York
#4
Thanks Yodagirl, and it's a strange feeling that she won't give up when it seems so logical to me that she should.

And thanks John too, no worries everything helps.

Another note I didn't mention is I'm fairly positive my father is bipolar. Hes been on many medications throughout the years, he and I have had multiple fallouts and reunions, but I'm not sure hes ever been actually diagnosed.
 
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Yodagirl

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Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
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Location
Georgia USA
#5
Thanks Yodagirl, and it's a strange feeling that she won't give up when it seems so logical to me that she should.

And thanks John too, no worries everything helps.

Another note I didn't mention is I'm fairly positive my father is bipolar. Hes been on many medications throughout the years, he and I have had multiple fallouts and reunions, but I'm not sure hes ever been actually diagnosed.
Sounds like my Mother and myself. She was diagnosed 12 years ago with Bipolar 1 schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder. If a parent has it you’re chances of having it is greater.
 
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