Could expecting too much be making me feel miserable

[catdom]

I often feel like I'm not good enough as not many people care about me and I'm not getting the emotional support that I need. The logical side of my brain can tell that the few friends I have do care, even if they don't often express it with words, but I'm still unhappy and expecting more. I feel obsessed with the need to be cared for, partly because I didn't get any affection during my childhood and had bad experiences with the kids in school, partly because I just don't feel worthy and I don't think good things about myself, so I'm hoping that others will do it for me.
This plays a major part in why I feel so miserable every day, I feel like I don't matter if people don't love me. I know that I should be more grateful for what I do have and not expect so much.
Is there any way to get over seeking affection and validation from other people and be self sufficient? I tried to make my self esteem better before but it always makes me feel worse, as I feel like I'm lying to myself and I don't like it.

 

[Zoe1]

any professional will tell you
you have to do something to get the ball rolling
with liking yourself first
in order to meet people half way

I don't know why this is
but I find thats the only way to go
as I have struggled with all these things you say

 

[catdom]

I constantly think about getting hurt so that people will have a reason to care about me. I don't believe I can prove that I deserve care unless I'm suffering and in serious physical or emotional pain. I feel abandoned and left behind.

 

[Nukelavee]

so I'm hoping that others will do it for me.

It's fine to hope for, but you are right - you need to change the way you view yourself, first.

Hurting yourself, physically or otherwise, for attention always ends up backfiring at some point.

 

[Zoe1]

n yeah I used to think that and nearly killed myself
it doesn't work

can you think of one little thing that is good about you ?

 

[catdom]

No, there's nothing good

 

[ipanema]

I often feel like I'm not good enough as not many people care about me and I'm not getting the emotional support that I need. The logical side of my brain can tell that the few friends I have do care, even if they don't often express it with words, but I'm still unhappy and expecting more. I feel obsessed with the need to be cared for, partly because I didn't get any affection during my childhood and had bad experiences with the kids in school, partly because I just don't feel worthy and I don't think good things about myself, so I'm hoping that others will do it for me.
This plays a major part in why I feel so miserable every day, I feel like I don't matter if people don't love me. I know that I should be more grateful for what I do have and not expect so much.
Is there any way to get over seeking affection and validation from other people and be self sufficient? I tried to make my self esteem better before but it always makes me feel worse, as I feel like I'm lying to myself and I don't like it.

Sometimes we just need someone to tell us how incredible we are. I know exactly what you meant, but try to understand that that is your anxiety sabotaging you.
Think of how much you have struggled and you are still standing. I like to think sometimes of how life shaped me and made me who I am.
The lack of affection during childhood plays a huge part in our lives at long term. Try to go to a therapist, they will try to help you understand and see how incredible you are even if you are “blind” to see it.

 

[Summerof76]

I often feel like I'm not good enough as not many people care about me and I'm not getting the emotional support that I need. The logical side of my brain can tell that the few friends I have do care, even if they don't often express it with words, but I'm still unhappy and expecting more. I feel obsessed with the need to be cared for, partly because I didn't get any affection during my childhood and had bad experiences with the kids in school, partly because I just don't feel worthy and I don't think good things about myself, so I'm hoping that others will do it for me.
This plays a major part in why I feel so miserable every day, I feel like I don't matter if people don't love me. I know that I should be more grateful for what I do have and not expect so much.
Is there any way to get over seeking affection and validation from other people and be self sufficient? I tried to make my self esteem better before but it always makes me feel worse, as I feel like I'm lying to myself and I don't like it.

Ipanema advised you try and see a therapist. That definitely sounds like something that would help. We are all human and positive attention is natural to seek- it gives us purpose, makes us feel needed and wanted- as if we have a reason for being. Also, how you seek care- wishing to physically be in pain to gain that attention- that's a regressive thought-schema. As a child, the only time you received positive attention was when you were in pain or physically hurt?
Or that's what you saw- the weaker person getting attention, when you were being deprived of it and then possibly made to feel guilty (emotionally blackmailed), when you asked for it.

For those of us made to feel like a missed abortion by our parents, self-love is a growth process. It can take years; sometimes a life time, but it's not impossible.
I was very much where you are now, but hitting middle age I have the philosophy that unless they pay my rent and put food in my stomach, I really couldn't give a sh*t whether I have their validation or approval. I live life for me.
Yep, there are days when I look in the mirror and wonder what fe-diddle I've become; scold myself for not being 'normal' and cry over the fact that I have no friends (slight lie- I have one, who lives over 400 miles away!), I'm 44, still single and become the crazy cat lady. Especially when I look at Facecrutch and see people of my age on their 3rd divorce and CEO's of multi-blah companies, while I can't have a relationship that lasts more than 6 months and work as a glorified secretary.
However, a lovely cognitive therapist once drew me a chart, during one of the lowest points in my life and when I pull it out, I realise just how far I've come. I wipe my snot away and remember the strategies he taught me. I also remember that NO ONE is worthless and EVERY ONE has a purpose.

Something that has helped me greatly was doing my family tree. Simple people from a simple time and they had no idea how much of an impact they had on the future. It put a lot in to perspective for me.

 

[catdom]

Sometimes we just need someone to tell us how incredible we are. I know exactly what you meant, but try to understand that that is your anxiety sabotaging you.
Think of how much you have struggled and you are still standing. I like to think sometimes of how life shaped me and made me who I am.
The lack of affection during childhood plays a huge part in our lives at long term. Try to go to a therapist, they will try to help you understand and see how incredible you are even if you are “blind” to see it.

Thank you for your advice

 

[catdom]

Ipanema advised you try and see a therapist. That definitely sounds like something that would help. We are all human and positive attention is natural to seek- it gives us purpose, makes us feel needed and wanted- as if we have a reason for being. Also, how you seek care- wishing to physically be in pain to gain that attention- that's a regressive thought-schema. As a child, the only time you received positive attention was when you were in pain or physically hurt?
Or that's what you saw- the weaker person getting attention, when you were being deprived of it and then possibly made to feel guilty (emotionally blackmailed), when you asked for it.

For those of us made to feel like a missed abortion by our parents, self-love is a growth process. It can take years; sometimes a life time, but it's not impossible.
I was very much where you are now, but hitting middle age I have the philosophy that unless they pay my rent and put food in my stomach, I really couldn't give a sh*t whether I have their validation or approval. I live life for me.
Yep, there are days when I look in the mirror and wonder what fe-diddle I've become; scold myself for not being 'normal' and cry over the fact that I have no friends (slight lie- I have one, who lives over 400 miles away!), I'm 44, still single and become the crazy cat lady. Especially when I look at Facecrutch and see people of my age on their 3rd divorce and CEO's of multi-blah companies, while I can't have a relationship that lasts more than 6 months and work as a glorified secretary.
However, a lovely cognitive therapist once drew me a chart, during one of the lowest points in my life and when I pull it out, I realise just how far I've come. I wipe my snot away and remember the strategies he taught me. I also remember that NO ONE is worthless and EVERY ONE has a purpose.

Something that has helped me greatly was doing my family tree. Simple people from a simple time and they had no idea how much of an impact they had on the future. It put a lot in to perspective for me.

Yes, that is exactly how my parents made me feel. They never got along when I was a kid and they even got divorced at one point. As a result, they took out their frustrations and unhappiness with life on me. I was never good enough for them. They did care when I was sick, though, and that was probably the first thing that made me feel like I should be hurt to convince people that I'm worthy of their affection.
It will take years to heal, just like how it took years to be aware of what was hurting me. That's what I'm afraid of, I don't want to feel like this until I get old enough not to care, but I guess I can't speed up the healing process either.
Thank you for your answer

 

[Am33]

I read this in a book about the ego the ego isn't the real us its like another person in us .Its the one that seeks validation one of the games it plays shown in The old fairytale of the fisherman who goes out and catches a flounder . The flounder says " If you let me go I will grant you 3 wishes " so he puts him back in the lake .Then he goes home and his wife asks why there is no fish ? and he tells her about the wishes. So the wife tells her husband ask for a big house and many servants and when the husband comes back there is a huge mansion where there mud hut was . After awhile of this the wife wants to be a queen so once again the fisherman asks the flounder and when he comes back there is a royal castle and his wife is on the throne she has the ultimate validation you could possibly achieve on earth . After awhile she feels it still is not enough and sends her husband out to ask for the third wish she wants to become God and when the husbands comes back she is sitting in their mud hut right where she started .See our egos are never satisfied .The real core of our being is the Conscious You .You know when you make a conscious choice " Do I really want to do this " Is this good for me " When you think through the heart with mindfulness that's the Conscious you its complete it doesn't need anything from outside its self . Learning about the ego recognizing its games it uses has really changed me .My life is a lot easier to handle now.