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Could Childhood abuse lead to Self harm? Trigger warning

M

Martin_3t

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
9
Location
England
#1
Hi,
I have recently let myself down and am doing SH several times a day. I'm currently working overseas with no access to friends or my doctor.
As a child aged 5 I was abused physically and sexually by my dad. He would also hit my mum in front of me if I was naughty, so I kind of grew up afraid to do anything. I tried to stop him but I wasn't strong enough.
One day when I came home from school my mum said she was leaving him and I had to decide who I would stay with. I think this hurt more than anything...I couldn't understand how she would leave me with him.
I went with her but he still had weekend custody so things carried on.
I eventually got into SH in my 20's which felt right but stopped after a suicide attempt. I felt so alone at this time, all I wanted was a Girlfriend and to not feel like a monster.
Now 20yrs on I'm back doing SH and feeling worse than ever. I think when people see me they think I'm a monster.
Does anyone have experience of childhood abuse leading to self harm? I'm just trying to understand if this is all my fault for not being stronger. I have 2 wks before I'm back home and am scared I'll do something stupid before then.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
7,868
Location
England
#2
Hi,
Please don't blame yourself, you aren't a monster.
Many people sh for a number of reasons, really you are not weak.
I'm so sorry you were abused and for your mum to.
Here to listen anytime.
Please try and seek out some support and therapy when you can.
Hope you heal soon.
Take care
 
E

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,757
#3
Hello Martin, welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry that you waited a while for a reply.
Well, I think there are a lot of people on the forum who have been through childhood abuse. I did and I was much older than you before I realised that what happened to me was not my fault at all. I did nothing to deserve it. Neither did you.
You were a little child, how could anything like that be your fault? The adults who had charge of you were supposed to cherish you, and care for you. and to keep you safe .
What happened was they let little Martin down, and left you with such confused feelings over many years. Sad to say, self harm is one of the ways people change the emotional pain they carry into physical pain.

You have done so well for yourself in speaking about it. It takes a lot. There is a part of the forum here for people who go through self harm.

You might also want to talk in total confidence to an organisation who support adults who were abused in childhood. They were a lifeline to me as are the good people on this forum here.
Here is a link Support Line | NAPAC
NAPAC will give advice on who can support you through therapy and they have trained volunteers who themselves have been through similar to ourselves and will listen and not judge but support you.

Please know that this is not your fault, a very safe hug to you if that is ok and I hope that we can help to support you here:)
 
M

Martin_3t

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
9
Location
England
#4
Thank you Mayflower7 and exyz for being so kind. I will try to contact NAPAC when I get home.
Is it possible to learn to love yourself? I care deeply for the people I know, but nothing for myself. I wish I could just rip myself open and get rid of all these feelings. SH is my friend but even that feels wrong sometimes. Sorry, this isn't working, all I want to do is cry, but then he wins again.
 
E

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,757
#5
It is possible Martin to start to care about yourself. In my view it has been so hard as we were brought up to see ourselves as not having much value and when you are little you believe what the grown ups tell you.
It is ok to cry. I do it myself. It lets out how you are feeling. I was not so great before Christmas and spoke to a mental health nurse who was lovely and kind. She said it is ok to cry, it is a natural reaction. She worries more about the people when they can't cry, if that makes sense? Well, it did to me at the time.:)
You are very welcome here to speak. it is anonymous :peace:
NAPAC are good to listen on the phone lines, and you can email if not feeling up to it.
All good wishes and keep talking to us here also if it helps. You have done so well in talking about it here already, it's a big first step. Safe hug for you if that is ok.:)
 
M

Martin_3t

Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
9
Location
England
#6
Hi exyz, sorry to hear you felt bad before Christmas. Are you any better now? I admire you for talking to the nurse.
What's it like to open up to someone? Does it hurt?
I have imagined in the past just being able to chat to someone and feeling safe and that they won't hate me for what I say.
I will seek help when I get home next week but please can I chat with you till then? If you are around. I managed to not self harm this evening which is good I guess.
I'm trying to sleep but I've got this memory going round and round in my head. When we left my dad he found out where we had moved to and one night he broke down the front door and took me away. I think that was the most scared I had been ..
Thank you again for your kind words...a safe hug sounds good right now, never had one of those.
Take care.