Core Beliefs ingrained

Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#1
I was wondering if anyone else wanted to diminish their core beliefs a bit by shining some light on them.

Due to the piss poor manner in which I was raised, I received the core belief that "I do not deserve to BE". It very clearly is worded this way exactly.

As I go through life and acquire various layers and shed others, the core belief still exists until it is transcended.

I am shocked when I go in a public situation and find myself a hapless child with no self esteem; afraid of people due to the core belief.

I am also happy when I go into a public gathering and am able to attend to it as a functioning adult with some capacity for compassion or at least in a neutral position.

I would be curious to read other people's Core Beliefs that had to be challenged. How many variations on core beliefs can there be ??

The only cure for such a core belief is love.
 
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Kerome

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#2
The one that I have had the most trouble with is "people other than my parents cannot love me". I'm still struggling with it, because it leads me to dismiss the possibility of romantic love before it ever gets started. I found the origin of it, parts of my childhood when I was not part of any social groups. Huge effect on my life, this had, and I've so far been unable to resolve it.
 
SomersetScorpio

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#3
Core beliefs.. i'd totally forgotten about that concept.

I remember it was discussed a lot in a self-esteem CBT group I attended years ago, but i'd forgotten about it.

I think you're on to something Poopy. It can be really helpful to identify what they are and shine light on them (so hopefully they'll wither and die, hah).

Off the top of my head, i'd say a big core belief of mine is similar to what Kermone said.
I don't think i'm lovable.
It's not just in the romantic sense either, I don't think even as a friend that i'm lovable. :shrug:
 
Poopy Doll

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#4
Thank you both for your fascinating responses. I have never heard someone else's core beliefs before. I believe I will always carry the core belief in my mind during this lifetime but I also believe it can be minimized to a distant memory.
 
AliceinWonderland

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#5
I think I share the same core belief as you Poopy Doll, and for the same reasons. Thanks for posting about this, I'm sure I have others, I'll have a think about it.
 
Poopy Doll

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#6
Well, Alice, I never thought about there being others !!!

I don't want to take my bf's inventory, but I suspect he has a core belief of "Anger is BAD". He never gets angry. Even when he sponsored a guy in AA and the guy got arrested driving with no license and gave my bf's name and address as his own and we got the summons to court; my bf never got angry with this guy.

In a Buddhist sense, anger is a poison, so my bf is doing well. Is this a good core belief or a bad core belief ??

I think there must be good core beliefs too.
 
mami5

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#7
My core belief is that I am bad/evil and need to be punished. This has come from my mother telling us we were bad and that she'd never seen kids as bad as us as she spanked us when we were young. As the youngest I was very young compared to my brother and sister. This belief has been strengthened by my two abusive ex husbands. As a result I too believe I'm unlovable and don't deserve anything nice.
 
Poopy Doll

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Yes, mami, a most unfortunate foundation programming.

When I met a couple of Buddhist monks, I latched onto their alternate program of having Compassion for Others and For Oneself. Having Compassion for my own self was so new. It has taken me years to incorporate.

Abusive words can send me right into not deserving to live but when it happens now I realize it's not real. It's just an old program running. In a day I am out of it. Sometimes it's only hours.
 
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IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

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Wow I am sorry for all your sad core beliefs. You are all worthy of love and don't deserve to be punished or abused. :hug:

My core belief is that I am inferior to men.
 
SomersetScorpio

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#11
Another one of my core beliefs is "Anger is Bad" too.

And I have a lot of respect for Buddhist teachings, and as you pointed out Poopy, they are very much of the belief that anger is poison.

However i've started to think that if i'm not being honest with myself about being angry, it's not authentic and causes more problems down the line.
I still don't know how to express my anger but I think it's better to acknowledge it rather than not.

It's a really tricky one though, for sure.
 
Poopy Doll

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Now that you point that out, SomersetScorpio, I had the core belief anger is bad too. I discovered years ago that my anger was my Power. There are appropriate ways to speak our anger. Repressing it makes it come out too strong. A controlled anger is what's wanted, I think. And learning that there are very few times you need to be angry. In a controlled way we can say, "I am very angry because you did such and such." And the other person can acknowledge your anger instead of rejecting it as invalid.

Anger gave me the power to confront my own programming from my parents. But then if you continue to indulge in the anger, it turns into a poison. So I guess you feel it, and let it go.
 
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Poopy Doll

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#14
Another thought: My mother did not allow me to get angry. She would slap me if I spoke up for myself. It was so frequent, I ran away from home at 15. So what I mean to say is she took my power away from me. To get it back I had to feel my original anger. Later, when I met the Buddhists, it was time to let the anger go. But it very much helped me to get in touch with the anger and challenge the I am Not Allowed to Get Angry.
 
SomersetScorpio

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#15
It's helpful for me just to have that sequence of dealing with anger written out - feel it, heal it, let it go.

I think a lot of girls get the message that it's not ok to be angry, that you should be a "good girl". And as you get older, you don't want to be a "bitch".

For me, I was told by my older brother (who still is an abusive ****) that I needed to learn to be nice, because I was fat and ugly. I couldn't be ugly and mean, or nobody would like me.
Having my lack of attractiveness drilled into my head as a teenager when I was bullied, i've always felt I had to over-compensate by being a pleasant person because I wasn't pleasant to look at.

I do think in the last year or two, that's started to shift. I couldn't care less if i'm not conventionally attractive - if i'm pissed off, then i'm pissed off. And that's ok.
 
Poopy Doll

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Wow, that's another core belief right there. It's the "I am unattractive" belief. I use to have that pretty bad. My father use to call me funny face but my parents never told me that I was a pretty girl. It was like some kind of secret that I was ugly. I sort of have a Bette Midler look. As a kid, I use to stand in front of the mirror and despair. This one was easier to overcome than the I don't deserve to BE.
 
AliceinWonderland

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#17
Yes, I also got messages about anger, I learnt that it's a terrifying, uncontrollable thing, because that was how I saw it expressed in my family. It took me many years to learn that it's ok to express anger (and it's healthy and allowed to do so), as long as you're not destructive/harmful towards others.

Due to the piss poor manner in which I was raised, I received the core belief that "I do not deserve to BE". It very clearly is worded this way exactly.

I think I share the same core belief as you Poopy Doll, and for the same reasons. Thanks for posting about this, I'm sure I have others, I'll have a think about it.
For me, closely linked to 'not deserving to be', is a belief that I'm unacceptable. That I will never be like other people and will never be truly accepted. That there is deep wrongness about me, irredeemable badness. Something so fundamental that it can't be remedied. I call it 'a special kind of bad', like I feel I'm in a different category to usual sorts of badness. And it's sort of an unsolvable dilemma, because I can't really point to actual things I've done, or ways I behave, think or feel that mean I'm 'a special kind of bad'. It's more an impossible-to-define badness, which doesn't actually make logical sense. For me, it's a sort of a paranoid and irrational belief, so no amount of people telling me 'you're a good person' can persuade me that I'm ok, because I just end up thinking 'you don't know me, you haven't seen the hidden core of wrongness in me'.

I've used self-compassion approaches too Poopy Doll to shrink these core beliefs. A lot of the time I can believe I'm acceptable now (to varying degrees), although yes, it still seems a surprising thing. The core beliefs are still there, deep down, and come to the fore when I'm in a particularly bad place, when I'm particularly low, or when something happens to make me feel sudden shame. It's been very gradual, and the therapy I've had has helped slowly chip away at these beliefs (and I've had a lot of therapy). There are still light bulb moments when it dawns on me I don't have to beat myself up and lay into myself for things, I can show myself compassion instead, and allow myself a break. And remember I'm only human. I think I feel more human now, instead of something fundamentally different and unacceptable. That's part of self-compassion (and Buddhist thought) isn't it, remembering that we all share our humanity and we all suffer to one extent or another?

The only cure for such a core belief is love.
Do you mean love from another person, or love/self-compassion for yourself? I wouldn't say love from another person is what has mostly shrunk my core beliefs. I can hate myself and believe I don't deserve to live even though I know another person loves me and doesn't think these bad things about me. I think self-compassion/self-acceptance has been more important. As well as understanding what was going on in childhood to give rise to these core beliefs, and how it was wrong to treat a child that way, and how it wasn't anything I'd done myself that brought that treatment on me.

Thanks for this thread Poopy, it's made me think. Core beliefs are resistant to change, but they can be worked on and shrunk I think.