Coping with impulsiveness and risk taking

H

Hebisama

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Oct 16, 2018
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Hello everyone, this is my first post here.

Bit of background, if this helps. I'm a 28 y.o. gay male with BPD and GAD and I'm currently finding it very hard to deal with the risk taking aspects of BPD.

I just got out of a long period of depression and numbness, which led me towards seeking every high I could get.

In the last week alone, I got a black eye from participating in a fight club, got injuries from playing "who's not gonna bitch and moan after hurting ourselves with something" with my bud, paid two different homeless guys on separate occasions to find me drugs (and I have no clue what they were, a stimulant I assume since they were white powders that blew up my nose).

Remember that fight club thing I mentioned? Well, it was with an old elementary school friend that I fought with. Turns out that fighting with me was the best way he could find to get "physical" with me, so of course we had sex in a park without protection and despite the fact that I have a boyfriend.

When I got back home from that, my BF wasn't there and made the mistake of leaving his phone unattended. I snooped, and found out he was cheating on me. When he got back, we fought (verbally and physically), I had two bottles of wine and we had sex. I felt no guilt whatsoever giving him sh*t for cheating on me even though I was cheating on him 3 hours before.

My problem is this. I'm able to cope with sadness and depression. Most of the time, I'm able to not self harm and to moderate my alcohol and drug use to the point that it doesn't interfere with my day to day life. I assume this has to do with the fact that this last down phase lasted for close to a year.

However, I'm completely unable to deal with this current high phase. I just can't get enough of feeling things and the things I have to do to feel them are going to destroy my life if I don't get this under control soon.

Someone help please, and tell me what you do to keep yourself from destroying yourself for a mere five minutes of not feeling like an empty china doll.
 
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H

Hebisama

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Joined
Oct 16, 2018
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2
Bump, someone respond please
 

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