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Coping with having a partner cheat/drunk raped.

F

fifthmonth

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Treherne, MB
My partner got blackout drunk at his home with a friend he thought he could trust. The friend had brought over the drinking game that resulted in him getting so drunk. The next day he woke up and had been sick everywhere and couldn't remember anything. He called his friend and was told that they had sex. He feels betrayed like he was raped. He is straight and his friend is gay. His friend is very aware that he is not gay and that we are in a very serious relationship. He felt like he was in a safe position to drink with someone he trusted.

I am caught in this spiral position because my partner was raped. Or was I cheated on? I feel betrayed by him but also very defensive and protective of him. He is my person and I know he loves me more than life itself. Leaving is not an option. I just need to learn to cope and move our relationship forward. Any advice would help.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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My partner got blackout drunk at his home with a friend he thought he could trust. The friend had brought over the drinking game that resulted in him getting so drunk. The next day he woke up and had been sick everywhere and couldn't remember anything. He called his friend and was told that they had sex. He feels betrayed like he was raped. He is straight and his friend is gay. His friend is very aware that he is not gay and that we are in a very serious relationship. He felt like he was in a safe position to drink with someone he trusted.

I am caught in this spiral position because my partner was raped. Or was I cheated on? I feel betrayed by him but also very defensive and protective of him. He is my person and I know he loves me more than life itself. Leaving is not an option. I just need to learn to cope and move our relationship forward. Any advice would help.
I’m so sorry this happened to your partner. It must have been deeply traumatic for both of you. You know how drunk he was when this happened. Under the circumstances it was clear that he was taken advantage of. If he felt that he had cheated in any way then he might not have told you about it for fear of consequence. Being compromised in this way by someone who was supposed to be a friend can be traumatic on many levels. I’m sure he is reeling from the shock of what happened. Your partner is in a very vulnerable place at the moment. I would try your best to set aside feelings if betrayal and focus on the fact that your partner has been victimized by someone he trusted which is a terrible thing. It might be good, under the circumstances, to reach out for some extra help for your partner: vis a vis a counselor. Your partner needs all the support and understanding you can muster at the moment. Even if your heart feels differently do what you can to let your head rule the day. xo, j
 
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fifthmonth

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I’m so sorry this happened to your partner. It must have been deeply traumatic for both of you. You know how drunk he was when this happened. Under the circumstances it was clear that he was taken advantage of. If he felt that he had cheated in any way then he might not have told you about it for fear of consequence. Being compromised in this way by someone who was supposed to be a friend can be traumatic on many levels. I’m sure he is reeling from the shock of what happened. Your partner is in a very vulnerable place at the moment. I would try your best to set aside feelings if betrayal and focus on the fact that your partner has been victimized by someone he trusted which is a terrible thing. It might be good, under the circumstances, to reach out for some extra help for your partner: vis a vis a counselor. Your partner needs all the support and understanding you can muster at the moment. Even if your heart feels differently do what you can to let your head rule the day. xo, j
Hi thanks for your response. Honestly right now his coping mechanism seems to be just to suppress his feelings and support me. This obviously causes me to feel endless guilt.
 
Wishbone

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We all know that men struggle to speak out about things. Speaking out about being raped by another man (and it does seem to be the case here given how things would be interpreted if it was a man doing it to a black-out drunk woman, although the 'friend' being the one to tell him is a bit of a complication) is going to be incredibly difficult to get him to do for fear of it becoming widely known. But he should do it because this guy could have been preying on people when they've been vulnerable like that before and in the future if allowed to get away with it continually.
I don't know who he talks to and how but he needs to be encouraged to report it for what it is, (although evidence is going to be miniscule, one word aginst the others, etc). There must be some websites providing advice for male rape with better guidance, try having a search and see what you can find.
 
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fifthmonth

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Treherne, MB
We all know that men struggle to speak out about things. Speaking out about being raped by another man (and it does seem to be the case here given how things would be interpreted if it was a man doing it to a black-out drunk woman, although the 'friend' being the one to tell him is a bit of a complication) is going to be incredibly difficult to get him to do for fear of it becoming widely known. But he should do it because this guy could have been preying on people when they've been vulnerable like that before and in the future if allowed to get away with it continually.
I don't know who he talks to and how but he needs to be encouraged to report it for what it is, (although evidence is going to be miniscule, one word aginst the others, etc). There must be some websites providing advice for male rape with better guidance, try having a search and see what you can find.
I'm not sure he will report it, however due to the nature of his friend's job it really should be reported. He has an appointment with his counselor tomorrow. I am trying to find a counselor for myself but it is difficult.
 
Wishbone

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What do people think about fifthmonth reporting it herself? Bad idea or good idea, given that her partner likely won't report it himself?
 
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fifthmonth

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What do people think about fifthmonth reporting it herself? Bad idea or good idea, given that her partner likely won't report it himself?
This is not an option that I would even consider. I understand where you're coming from and know the severity of the situation, but I could never do that to my partner.
 
Wishbone

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Okay. But what if he doesn't want to say anything about it and it ends up eating away at him over time, gradually destroying him? I mean, going by what you've already said it looks like he's going to just want to drop it as if it didn't happen, but he'll know that it did and he won't be able to keep that buried. Has he got any other friends that he could talk to about it? (Not that I expect he would though).
 
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fifthmonth

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Okay. But what if he doesn't want to say anything about it and it ends up eating away at him over time, gradually destroying him? I mean, going by what you've already said it looks like he's going to just want to drop it as if it didn't happen, but he'll know that it did and he won't be able to keep that buried. Has he got any other friends that he could talk to about it? (Not that I expect he would though).
He had a therapy session this morning. I wanted him to talk to someone about it that wasn't me, because he will always try to protect me. It's not that he would bury it, he is just more protective of me than himself. And he is dealing with a lot of other stress in his life right now and doesn't know if this is something that he can manage processing at the moment.
 
JessisMe

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He had a therapy session this morning. I wanted him to talk to someone about it that wasn't me, because he will always try to protect me. It's not that he would bury it, he is just more protective of me than himself. And he is dealing with a lot of other stress in his life right now and doesn't know if this is something that he can manage processing at the moment.
Good call on encouraging him to get into counseling. Hoping it will help. xo, j
 
Argon

Argon

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Have you obsered him in a blackout state? Many people in an alcohol-induced blackout will appear fully conscious, walking and talking. They appear normal, though perhaps drunk; they will just have no memory of it later.
 

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