
Eleison
Well-known member
It's complicated, but when I walk down the path, and people come the other direction, they don't give me space. Like, people with pushchairs are the worst, or couples, or even groups of three. Noone ever moves to let me pass. I end up walking in the road. Either that or get pushed past. I had a period of time when I dissociated and got very aggressive in response, so the safest option is to walk in the road.
The complication is that every day for over 10 years I was bullied at school, including on the way home from school down the road. I seem to be in a constant hyper-vigilant flashback state to this, as well as being 'invisible'.
I feel so much shame.
Maybe I am seen as the neighbourhood crazy person. I hate that. At least if I don't yell at them, they don't laugh at me. But then I'm still invisible. I don't know what's worse.
I'm working on it in therapy, and slowly changes in my self perception are happening. But I can't change the fact that I'm only 5 foot tall and underweight and people don't see that I exist and have a right to space. And I can't make them. Why do other people get respect and I don't - ever? Can I respect myself? This is hard.
I just don't know what to do, this occurs over and over again. In many situations, not just walking down the road.
Paradoxically, walking on the road feels safer than on the path. At least cars and buses see me. Others, they just don't care.
Am I really so insiginificant? Is it too much to ask to have space to walk down the path?
The complication is that every day for over 10 years I was bullied at school, including on the way home from school down the road. I seem to be in a constant hyper-vigilant flashback state to this, as well as being 'invisible'.
I feel so much shame.
Maybe I am seen as the neighbourhood crazy person. I hate that. At least if I don't yell at them, they don't laugh at me. But then I'm still invisible. I don't know what's worse.
I'm working on it in therapy, and slowly changes in my self perception are happening. But I can't change the fact that I'm only 5 foot tall and underweight and people don't see that I exist and have a right to space. And I can't make them. Why do other people get respect and I don't - ever? Can I respect myself? This is hard.
I just don't know what to do, this occurs over and over again. In many situations, not just walking down the road.
Paradoxically, walking on the road feels safer than on the path. At least cars and buses see me. Others, they just don't care.
Am I really so insiginificant? Is it too much to ask to have space to walk down the path?