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Constantly consuming

J

Joinr1232

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Abilene
I’ve just been struggling with this for a very long time and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same. I don’t feel like other people feel as bored as I do on a regular basis. I’m not sure bored is the right word actually, but I guess it’s close enough.

The obvious things are there. I have a marijuana addiction that I haven’t been able to beat in about 7 years. As for the binge eating, it’s somethinh I’ve dealt with for as long as I can remember, but there are other things too.

I have a hook up app that I i check about every hour every day. Even though I have no plans on ever meeting these people who are interested in me, I keep it going. I typically let it go on for a couple days until I have enough new matches to distract me. It’s mostly because I’ve let myself go in every sense. IBS from binge eating, untreated cavities from the sugar. Being bigger than I’ve been in a long time.. but it doesn’t ever seem to be enough to make me change.

I’m wasting away at a part time job. I was in school but that just fell apart like I knew it would. I’m not really sad right now as much as I am tired. At the end of the day, I just want to get high and message guys who are unequivocally more attractive than I am.

I know this doesn’t really make me happy. Being a student with excellent grades made me happy, but I guess it’s the day to day stuff that gets me every time.

Going to school and work while hating how I look, being angry that I’m forced to go out in public to have my needs met. And being angrier about not knowing what’s it’s like to just be able to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Sitting in a class room with beautiful people who just seem so alien to me.

I was diagnosed with bpd about half a year ago. It’s been a big change, but at the same time, nothing has changed at all. I’m ashamed and confused and I don’t get help, probably because it’s too much work. Again, all I want to do is get high, even if that means hurting people or never having money for basic things. Wasting away in a dark apartment nobody would want to call home, well maybe except the homeless, but at least they wouldn’t take it for granted like I do...
 
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fugue

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Dallas
Are you taking any medication for Bipolar Disorder? I work with BPD patients and I know how stressful it can be without medication. If you are disillusioned about medications you've tried, or don't feel motivated to find a doctor, or try another medication, you could try clinical trials that provide free medication. ClinicalTrials.gov is a database of publicly and privately supported clinical studies of human participants conducted around the world. There is a provision to search for research studies on Bipolar Disorder in your area there. Most of the studies will have a contact number or email, and when you call, they will usually screen you to see if you are eligible for the study and schedule you to come in. You have to make an informed decision on whether to participate (weigh risks/benefits etc.). It's just something different to try out and it involves less work on your part (waiting to get an appointment, paying for consultation/medication, insurance coverage woes, filling prescription etc). Some clinical trials are so desperate for participants that they will even pay for your transportation to get to their site.
 
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fugue

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Dallas
Oops, I noticed this was under Personality Disorder Forum. There might be fewer clinical trials on Borderline Personality Disorder on ClinicalTrials.gov but might be still worth doing a search.
 
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