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Constant instant false memory/ desperate.

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Butterfly777

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I am new to this forum and have been dealing with ocd since I was very young and am now in my late 30’s. My ocd is mostly false memory ocd but it’s instant. I can be doing something and think an awful thought and immediately feel like I acted on it and did whatever terrible thought I was thinking. It’s not thoughts from the past. It can be on a daily basis and in an instant. The images in my mind will be so vivid and feel so real that I find it hard to distinguish what’s in my head and what is reality. If anyone else suffers from the same would greatly appreciate a response.
 
stygianiron222

stygianiron222

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that sounds really hard. i havent gone through something like this, but have you identified anything that triggers it? this might help you avoid this if you know what triggers it.
 
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Shanah90

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I am new to this forum and have been dealing with ocd since I was very young and am now in my late 30’s. My ocd is mostly false memory ocd but it’s instant. I can be doing something and think an awful thought and immediately feel like I acted on it and did whatever terrible thought I was thinking. It’s not thoughts from the past. It can be on a daily basis and in an instant. The images in my mind will be so vivid and feel so real that I find it hard to distinguish what’s in my head and what is reality. If anyone else suffers from the same would greatly appreciate a response.
Hi. I have the same. I do something and suddenly some thought and after seconds I wonder if I did it or not. For example I walk down the street passing person and I have to turn around many times to check if he/she lives because Im scared I did to this person already.
 
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Emelie88

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This is me. I have the same. Its horrible. I wonder why they dont talk about this more (regarding false memory ocd). Sorry for my bad english.
 
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Butterfly777

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I know how hard it is. It is really hard to trust yourself when it’s like your mind is constantly tricking you. It feel like torture!!!
 
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Emelie88

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Yes, it feels like you have no control over your own brain. I can get a thought or image (even urges/sensations) that ive done something awful (in the moment) and its seems so real that i dont know if i have done it or not. I cant recall doing it but i still doubt it and starts to mental rewiew the situation to find out if it may have happened. It breaks my heart. Ive had this for seven years. Have you gone to KBT?
 
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Emelie88

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I have an ocd fear that i have poisoned the food. For example : I can be close to the detergent in the kitchen (while preparing the food) which can trigger a intrusive thought that i may have had it (the detergent) in the food and then i dont know if it has happened or not (i cant tell if its real or not). Its terrifying. But often, i dont even remember that ive touched the detergent. I do a lot mental review to find out if its true but i cant find the thruth. It breaks my heart and i avoid doing the food (i dont want to hurt anyone).
 
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Butterfly777

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I used to have that exact fear. I would think that I had put cleaners in my sons formula when he was a baby. It got so bad that I would make my partner prepare his bottles because I would have to throw it out all the time when I did it. I know it’s easier said than done but you have to trust yourself and know that you would never do that. The fact that you’re so disgusted by the idea shows that you never would.
 
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Butterfly777

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Yes I did do cbt therapy and went on meds which I feel have made a huge difference. I’m 38 now and really can remember dealing with ocd from the time I was a little girl. Around 30 I’m pretty sure I had a nervous breakdown and finally was honest with my doctor about what was going on and remember when she diagnosed me with ocd and thinking no that’s not what I have because people associate ocd with cleaning and order. I still deal with it and always will but have learned a lot of tools to deal with it. Like I said easier said than done but the more you look for 100 percent reassurance the more it fuels it. It is a lot of talking to yourself and saying I know in my heart I would never want to do anything bad to hurt anyone.
 
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Emelie88

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Yes, I can relate. Ive got postpartum ocd when my son was born (he is seven years old now) and in the beginning my mother or partner had to make the food for him (or that i made the food when someone was present) then i felt safe and my brain was quite. I bought new bottles all the time though. I couldnt even be in the bathroom with my son alone (getting a thought that ive had put soap in his mouth). But i also got thoughts that ive had poisoned our food or pots. I have gone to cbt and gotten a little better (i can force myself to do the food for everyone and can be with my son alone but im still very avoidant). My partner cooks a lot of the food. Ive learned to accept the thoughts (but having trouble to let it go and to stop ruminating). Its hard because you want to be 100 procent safe. What i find most difficult is that you do not get out of the fog (that you still (after seven years) dont know what is real and that you still are afraid of yourself/your brain (your thoughts and images). Nothing has happened but still i almost believe in the thoughts. Ive have this fear like ” Who do i know (for 100 procent )that i didnt put little poison inte food- getting sick later on. The worst part is that you know that the images and thoughts will keep coming (even if you dont want to). Its like you said, you have to trust your heart.
 
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Butterfly777

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I know how hard it is. You’re exactly right when saying that we do want 100% reassurance. It is such a debilitating disorder. There are times when I feel like I can function pretty normally and not give into the thoughts and then other times not so much. Have you taken any medication? I’m prescribed Ativan to take when I have that elephant on my chest kind of feeling. It does make you a bit tired but really helps me when I’m in my worst times.
 
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Emelie88

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Yes, ive taken anafranil (chlomipramine)- no effect, Risperidone (antipsychotic meditation) - i have been told (by a psychiatrist) that a low dose can help with ocd ( it helped me break my avoidant behavior but the medicine did not remove the thoughts and images from my head). However, i gained a lot of weight. And the effect diminished after a while. Now i eat effexor (venlafaxin) instead. Ive taken propanolol (but didnt work for me). Ive never heard of Ativan (and you take it every now and then?) Maybe, if you push away the emotions/anxiety then the thoughts may not feel as real. I dont know. Cbt techniques i have tried have either been that you do the food and tell yourself that you did your best (you dont know) - you should not go through what you did or did not do Another cbt technique ive learned is that you either say/think ” then it is so” or ”then i want it ” Another one (that i couldnt do) was that the psychologist wanted me to think that i had done something (when i was preparing the food). I have had various doctors and psychologists.
 
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Butterfly777

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That’s what happened with me about all the medications too was I gained 30ish pounds and then became super depressed about that so I’m prescribed Ativan (lorazepam) 2 tablets a day if needed and a sleeping pill if needed as well. I know CBT is rough because it is wanting you to go against what we’re used to is avoidance. That’s what my therapist taught me was to say if you did you did and deal with the outcome after and maybe that would help the thoughts lessen and it has but there are times when I can be completely fine with that and than others where I want reassurance.
 
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Butterfly777

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My mom used to say to me all the time that you would never do the things you worry about and it used to drive me crazy because she couldn’t understand what it was like because she doesn’t have ocd but lol that’s what I’m gonna say to you. The fact that you are so worried and upset by this shows you wouldn’t. When we think about it so much your mind just goes into absolute overdrive and all the images in your mind become so real.
 
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Emelie88

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Your mother and you is right. You would not even care or rather like the thought (if you hade done something). Your mother dont have ocd but do you have other relatives who have ocd? Im the only one i know who has developed ocd in my close family. My mother can tell: But nothing happens or has happened without thinking what you go through in your head with this disease almost every day. I think it can be difficult to understand this disease and how it feels. I barley understand the disease (why im getting the thoughts) and sometimes even doubt that it is ocd. I read somewhere that you can get horrible thoughts because you do not want to act that way. Someone told me that it was overprotection gone wrong (regarding why im getting the thoughts).
 
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