Confusing Mental Illness with Attention Seeking?

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Elysian

New member
Joined
Jun 14, 2019
Messages
2
Location
NJ
#1
I tried posting this thread on Reddit, but I felt like going to an actual mental health would help me better, so here we go:

So I don’t know what it is with me. I’ve made previous posts talking about how I’ve been feeling and how my mental state isn’t good at all right now. There are times where I think “do I really have a mental illness or am I just tryna to convince myself that I have one because I wasn’t loved enough growing up”. I constantly get thoughts in my head throughout the day where I’m imagining myself in a scenario where I’m kind of the center of attention. I didn’t want to talk about his because I always thought I was the only one who did this, but I recently saw a post with someone who said they do the same thing. I’m normally the center of attention in these imaginations. For example, I constantly have this recurring daydream where I’m this popular singer with vocals no one else has had and I have this guy who’s in love with me that every other girl loves but I keep him at a distant (this is one of my made up ones ). They’ll normally be based off of scenarios I’ve made up, seen in a tv show, or have heard happening to someone else in real life. Most of the time, they come up while I’m doing something like homework or when I’m listening to music and I have the music playing in the background of the dream and I have this habit of pacing the room while having these daydreams as well (can go on for up to like 30 minutes).
Unfortunately, I grew up with abusive foreign parents that was never there for me emotionally. They basically just provided me with a home, clothes, and education. I was constantly verbally abused and have had to experience seeing my siblings encounter both verbal and physical abuse (very common in my culture). I have no doubt that these events cause the problems I have now. And it seems like so many problems in my life are always directed towards me as the source. What I mean is that my parents will always find a way to put the blame on me when it’s actually their fault. For example, this past week I had an argument with my mother for not allowing me to take AP Photo because I’m not allowed to leave my house (literally can’t even go to the closest store or to the park less than a five minute walk from my house). I was literally called an insulting name during this argument. I’m in the house all the time if I’m not at school. I’ve been in a toxic environment for my whole life. It’s gotten worse along with my mental state and I am just so confused right now because I don’t know if I’m suffering from something or if I’m just convincing myself that I do so that i have this image in my head that I need pity or something (and I really don’t mean to offend anyone if I do). I’m constantly pushing other people away and I know it’s not fair to my friends. I want my space because I don’t like being around people when I’m upset but at the same time I want to cry when I see them walk away. My head fills with these negative thoughts where I’m being abandoned in some way (sometimes I go to sleep from dreams of my future husband leaving me all alone and taking my kids, knowing that my best friends had already passed away and I didn’t have family). I don't understand why I keep having these dreams and I can’t make them stop and they always result to me crying myself to sleep almost every single day. I’ll even get thee thoughts while I’m doing nothing or doing homework. Sometimes I cry because I sometimes feel like I don’t actually have a mental illness and that I just feel this way cause I want sympathy and that when I see an actual psychologist they’ll tell me nothings wrong with me and that it’s probably just a phase but it’s not cause it’s been progressing for years and it’s not getting better. I’m literally crying writing this like wtf is wrong with me. I go to school, suffer with anxiety, have either constant mood swings or just a straight depressed state for the whole time, then go home. When I get home, I’ll cry upstairs in my room where no one can hear me, fall asleep, and wake up late to rush doing my homework. And you know what’s even more messed up, sometimes I’m actually end up being happy only for it to turn back to sadness an hour later. And with my freaking anxiety, it’s ridiculous. Sometime might be making a joke toward me that captures others attention, but if I don’t send my mind somewhere else (like looking at a wall and pretending I’m not in the situation) then I’m afraid I’m gonna have a panic attack or something. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m currently a junior and I won’t be able to see a psychologist until I’m a freshman in college and on campus. I’m beginning to realize that I keep posting my feelings because Im tryna to seek help I other ways because I don’t have access to a psychologist right now. I used to just tell myself “ok you’re almost there, you have one more year left”, but it’s harder and harder. I know this is a long post, but does anyone have any advice?
 
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Trekster33

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2019
Messages
131
Location
South West UK
#2
What is happening to you at home is a form of domestic violence and it is wrong.

Women's aid defines coercive control as; "Domestic abuse isn't always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim."

Put "a verbal abuse quiz you want to take just to be sure" into an internet search and hopefully the healthyplace (one word) website will come up.

Hope you find the strength to move out soon.
 
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Elysian

New member
Joined
Jun 14, 2019
Messages
2
Location
NJ
#3
Thank you for the response @Trekster33. Unfortunately, I’m aware that what I am going through falls under the category of abuse and not neglect. It gets harder, but I’ve been trying to keep the thought that’s i’ll be able to leave soon in my head and seek the psychological help that I need.
 

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