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V

Viktoria

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Smoked some. Don't know what to feel anymore. Don't know if I'm suicidal or euphoric. Don't know if I want to smash the place to pieces again.

Please help.
 

MarlieeB

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Hey hun.

I'm not happy about you smoking these things but it's your body.

Describe how exactly you are feeling right now, what is going through your mind, ignoring the voices?

Do you think you could tell someone there how you are feeling?

xxx
 
V

Viktoria

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Thanks Marliee. I hoped it would calm me down so that's why I smoked it.

I feel very confused. I'm suffering memory loss. I've been on 1-1 observation for a month now and it's doing my head in. The whole clinic is. I want to be free. I can't stand being locked up. I have to sleep in seclusion (solitary confinement) and it scares me.

The angry voices are making me aggressive but I don't want the same as yesterday to happen.

I told the staff part of how I'm feeling. They've been really supportive. I was allowed to lie on my bed for 15 minutes with a nurse in my room. And also allowed to eat in my room.

I want to hurt myself real bad. The urge is irresistible and there's nothing I can do.
 

MarlieeB

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Please keep on talking to the nurses. The more open you are with them the better it will be for you.

xxx
 
V

Viktoria

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I just can't tell about the voices. They have a light suspicion I think I'm not sure. I lie about the suicidality but they don't believe me.
 

MarlieeB

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Maybe you could start by saying you feel bad and want to take out some anger and go from there?
 
V

Viktoria

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I did that. They gave me extra benzos and did as postwd above.
I'm having a half panic attack.
 

MarlieeB

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OK, so you know being honest gives you a little more freedom. Not much at the moment but it does. Carry on talking to them. Of course I want you to say about the voices as I think that will help you but I know that you aren't willing to do that. Just keep on telling them how you feel whether it is happy, sad, excited, destructive etc.

xxx
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Coming clean about the whole thing - Becky, voices, suicidal feelings - would probably be a tremendous relief, I'd probably do that tbh.
 
V

Viktoria

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Im not allowed Kerome. It's a danger to other people.

And thanks Marliee I'm trying to ask for benzo's. They just gave me some more.

Tomorrow second ECT. My dad isn't allowed to be there because last time he had to restrain me but he has assured me he is going to be there whatever it takes. He was the only one I recognised after I woke up. Didn't know where I was, where I lived, complete memory loss. Just recognised him. Apparently family has a right to be present. I'm also going to try and get a different psychiatrist.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Im not allowed Kerome. It's a danger to other people.
How come it's a danger to other people? It's just in your head that's all, and you have to give your current physical self priority over all the stuff in your head. Stay safe Vik :)
 
V

Viktoria

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No no iTS not in my head. There's people out there and if I don't hurt them they threaten to hurt me
 
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Viktoria

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They were very sympathetic but I face forced treatment
 
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