- Sep 24, 2009
So I was told once before that I could possibly have Bipolar and I went through a stage of believing it to be possible before refusing I have it and shutting the whole idea off but then a counsellor brought it up again and my boyfriend told me that I'm getting worse and the mood changes are more drastic and I NEED to get help but I don't see it, well until last night but I can't control it till after. I would be grateful if anyone can tell me if they relate to this.
I got so depressed over the slightest thing and although I have depression all the time it tends to change. Such as one minute I'll be full of positivity and I'll calm down and believe I'll do this and that but then the slightest thing will trigger a depressed episode. These episodes are to the point I want to sleep and will lie down and I cry a lot and then this leads to 'not wanting to be here thoughts' which then progressed last night to screaming and saying out loud I'm an idiot then self harming but in the means of scratching and punching myself and hitting myself and pulling at my hair and I can't control it. Then I tell people I'll runaway and I get ready to but usually I calm down before that though I left the house before. My thoughts are often occupied with running away and it's really bringing me down.
As a child I showed these symptoms especially anger and irritability. Last night and yes I'm ashamed to admit it. I lost it with everyone but I couldn't control it. I hate being in those mood's. It's the slight thing that triggers it too but it isn't all the time. I'll be so nasty and say horrible things. Last night for the first time in years when I was at a bad point with these mood changes I hit my sister and my mum. I am so ashamed but hit as in the slapping hit. But I couldn't control it. It's like something takes over me. This happens in my 'depressed episodes' if that's what I can call them and even talking to people will trigger me to be like that. I swear a lot when I'm like that, and call them swear words and can't stop doing it but it isn't even me. I hate swearing and so forth and I say stuff I would never say if I was my normal self. I don't even know if this is a sign of Bipolar as well and what to do about it.
On messages to my boyfriend I'll send him repeated messages talking like 'Oh he was sooo right hahaha I'm a lunatic' and all of this. I'll put myself down and just can't stop sending messages but as soon as I calm down and the mood lifts and I realise what I done I feel so ashamed and end up apologising heaps too.
I don't know if this is a characteristic of Bipolar neither but I need to have contact with the internet and with my boyfriend at ALL times. If he ignores me or doesn't reply within a certain time period I send message after message after message saying 'Please' and begging. No idea what to think about all of this but if someone can relate I would be so grateful if you told me and you told me your story and how you can relate.
Thank you so much for reading and listening.