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Confused, help needed

Jimny

Jimny

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As my first post I hope to keep it as short as I can, I hope that perhaps some of you may be able to shed some light on to my situation.
From where I beleived this to have begun was ten years ago, I had been in a long term relationship which had run its course. Thirteen years and I can only describe it as being like friends not lovers in the end.
After aprox. a year I met a girl ten years my junior, I entered this relationship determined to not make the same mistakes I had before. I will call her Jane.
Jane began to exhibit some odd behaviours which became irrational, dangerous and violent. Jane would throw water over me in bed, punch, kick and strangle me, beat herself up and self harm. This happened on and off for the first five years of the relationship, Jane then started therapy which helped massively and the violence stopped. The love had gone though and we parted after eight years together.
After around three months I met somebody else. I will call her Doris.
Doris and I seemed to hit it off, almost like it was to good to be true. Doris put me on a pedestal, I had never been so flattered. This 'honeymoon' period lasted for around six months and then it was like something changed over night.
Nothing I could do was right, she would belittle myself and my family. We argued like crazy.
The pattern would go: argue about nothing, belittle and insult and then the relationship would be over, I would return apologise and ask to continue the relationship. This was repetetive over and over again.
Doris would also be violent but only occasionally. It was a toxic relationship with terrible childish behaviour on both parts.
Doris would also sleep with ex partners during our frequent breaks.
After eighteen months last December, I had continued to pursue Doris until after one argument something in my mind just snapped and I tried to commit suicide.
The police kicked down my front door having been alerted by somebody and I came round in hospital.
Ok, during the last relationship Doris and I would discuss very personal details with each other including the violence from my prev partner. This seemed to trigger my anxiety and depression which just got worse throughout the relationship.
I spent some time in a psychiatric unit after the suicide attempt then came home, I have since been searching for what is wrong with me /what happened via the Internet, books and the CMHT / psychologist.
I am currently on mtazipine after sertrallin not agreeing with me.
I have come to the conclusion I have a dependent disorder or co dependency. I think Doris may have a NPD although I understand that co dependents lay blame everywhere.
I am not sure where to start really, I relate to all of the behaviour listed in the book 'co dependent no more'. I am shocked that at 43 I could not have worked this out sooner.
 
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Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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I'm sorry to hear of your previous relationship horrors and the effect that these have had on your mental health. Nobody deserves to be treated like you have. You've certainly been through some tough times.

I don't know a lot about codependency, apart from the basics, but perhaps you couldn't have worked it out sooner? Maybe you had to go through certain things again before you questioned yourself and your motives enough? It's nothing to feel bad about.

Have you talked about this with your CMHT or psychologist? If so, what do they say about it?
 
Jimny

Jimny

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Location
Essex
Hi purple, I probably only listed a third of what happened. It is only early days with the therapist although they mentioned that anybody would have struggled and to not be so hard on myself.

I believe nobody should ever think they have the right to lay their hands on anyone. This alone has been difficult to deal with as a man, it really leaves me with pent up anger which I struggle to release.
The bit I really struggle with is why I stayed for more, wanting to help, fix. That's where I beleive the co dependency traits arise, I don't place bounderies.
I have felt it important to me to understand what has happened and how, whilst people close to me say stop trying to make sense of nonsense.
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Hey i'm so sorry you've had these bad experiences in your personal relationships.

You are absolutely right, nobody should put a hand on another person.
Female-on-male violence is not taken very seriously in this society, and that's so wrong - it makes me quite cross actually that it's seen as somehow more acceptable than a man doing it to a woman.

I would say that there possibly are some co-dependency issues, which you've worked out for yourself.

I would also recommend Anne Wilson Schaef's books.
There is one called "Escape from intimacy" and it's about love addiction.. so whilst strictly not co-dependency, I have to say the book really helped me loads to realise why i'd stick around men who treated me very badly.
She also has a book called "Co-dependence, misunderstood mistreated".
 
Jimny

Jimny

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Jan 25, 2015
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Essex
Thank you for the book recommendations, I will take a look.
I think a lot of the abuse goes unreported, from my own experience I carry a lot of shame with it.
I always found it more of a shock than anything else when it happened, I would then just try and put it to the back of my mind I know that isn't a healthy thing to do.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Thank you for the book recommendations, I will take a look.
I think a lot of the abuse goes unreported, from my own experience I carry a lot of shame with it.
I always found it more of a shock than anything else when it happened, I would then just try and put it to the back of my mind I know that isn't a healthy thing to do.
It must be a big shock.. try not to judge yourself about how "healthy" putting something out of your mind is.
I believe our brain finds ways to protect us and that can mean suppressing certain things.

But when the time is right, you can always revisit these things in counselling or therapy and process the feelings with the support of someone else. Also, you'll be in control this time.

I know it might not mean much me saying this, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's incredibly disempowering to be abused in any way, but when society tells you that you're "not allowed" to defend yourself, I can't imagine how much more difficult that makes things.
 
Jimny

Jimny

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Joined
Jan 25, 2015
Messages
307
Location
Essex
Disempowering is exactly the right word. Thank you so much for your support.
Having found this forum and just letting bits of this out has helped, as have the community members support and advice.
In my opinion and experience it's a shame that more practical advice and pointers aren't given by the CMHT.
One suggestion from a CMHT visit was to take up kick boxing, I can only assume this wasn't suggested to defend myself!
 
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