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Confused. Cant find the energy to tell my partner i have BPD

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Mikeyp

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Preston
Hi all, I've been diagnosed with BPD very recently, although my partner and I have had talks about the way I am, I've kept her in the blue about my appointments etc. From research and chats with people all I've seen is how hard it is to maintain a relationship and live with someone who has BPD. I feel embarrassed and weak. I feel labelled. I feel like she'll never look at me or treat me the same. Can anyone help me with there past experiences and how they have dealt with this, she knows something isn't right and I don't feel it's fair to keep this.
Thanks
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,605
Location
London, ON
I say tell her outright what you've learned. Maybe you can both read up on it, together, to learn what you are dealing with.

for the most part - nothing has changed. Knowing you have BPD doesn't suddenly mean you'll act differently; your traits and behaviours are exactly what they were before the label was applied.

Don't feel embarassed or ashamed.
 
M

Mikeyp

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Preston
Thanks, I do really want too, I know what your saying as I shouldn't feel ashamed, I just don't know how she will feel, she does put up with a lot from me, I find my self a right pain in the a** I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with me, it's not me hard being labelled. I'll find the right time I'm sure.

Thank you
 
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Italia2020

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 19, 2020
Messages
550
Location
Usa
Hey. I don’t have bpd not that I’m aware of sometimes I think I do but doc said no. But I have some very severe anxiety, panic, and depression. Had it since 21 and now I’m 40. I told my partner what I had when I met him and he decided to stick around. I know it’s not easy for him at times but if someone truly loves you they are not going to leave. They are going to support you through your ups and downs. If someone does not understand that this is who you are they are not meant to be. You need to tell her soon or later. It’s just a label does not change who you are
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,139
This isn’t something that you did to yourself like addictions. This (childhood trauma) was done to you. Totally beyond your control. And totally not your fault.

Do you mind me asking how long is the relationship? If it’s relatively new, under two years, I’d be hesitant to share myself. But only you know how close you are, and like Nuke said, it could very well open a new positive chapter as you both learn, together.
 
Finn the Human

Finn the Human

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Morocco
i've got a friend of mine who's putting up too much with my shit, my BPD symptoms are associated with her in a way that's not the same with anyone else. whenever i have a breakdown she's always there for me knowing what to say or do to mitigate the situation. yesterday i felt like she hates me and i should leave the whole thing so i told her a set of terrible things like she causing me pain that i can't take and that her closeness is the reason why i'm so miserable. she took all of this, thanked me for being there for her whenever she needed me and told me to come if i ever need any help. now we're back friends again, she knows about my condition and that makes her more emotionally intelligent in case i'm having an episode or so. making your partner aware of this will surely help you out during your breakdowns. pick the right time, have a nice time with her for the day and tell her at the end of it, she'll understand and support not that it's new to what she's doing already.
i wish you happiness and content with your life ❤
 
I

Italia2020

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 19, 2020
Messages
550
Location
Usa
i've got a friend of mine who's putting up too much with my shit, my BPD symptoms are associated with her in a way that's not the same with anyone else. whenever i have a breakdown she's always there for me knowing what to say or do to mitigate the situation. yesterday i felt like she hates me and i should leave the whole thing so i told her a set of terrible things like she causing me pain that i can't take and that her closeness is the reason why i'm so miserable. she took all of this, thanked me for being there for her whenever she needed me and told me to come if i ever need any help. now we're back friends again, she knows about my condition and that makes her more emotionally intelligent in case i'm having an episode or so. making your partner aware of this will surely help you out during your breakdowns. pick the right time, have a nice time with her for the day and tell her at the end of it, she'll understand and support not that it's new to what she's doing already.
i wish you happiness and content with your life ❤
You couldn’t have said it any better!
 
M

Mikeyp

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Preston
Thanks people, I didn't know what to do, I'll try taking her out for the day then say something, you've been a huge help. I'm thankful for this forum I really am x
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
301
Location
UK
Hi all, I've been diagnosed with BPD very recently, although my partner and I have had talks about the way I am, I've kept her in the blue about my appointments etc. From research and chats with people all I've seen is how hard it is to maintain a relationship and live with someone who has BPD. I feel embarrassed and weak. I feel labelled. I feel like she'll never look at me or treat me the same. Can anyone help me with there past experiences and how they have dealt with this, she knows something isn't right and I don't feel it's fair to keep this.
Thanks
As a guy I completely get where you are coming from with this. It is bizarre because I can look at other people and know that they aren't 'weak' for feeling emotional yet I can't help but feel deeply uncomfortable telling people about my intense emotions.

TBH I found that the only way out of this is to tell people. I have a tendency to frame it with a caveat that I am not "mad" or "upset" all of the time and that I have better and worse days. I found my partner is very supportive of my difficulties (no I don't have a diagnosis of BPD, I work in health and I don't want to open the door for that conversation at work. I have an official tag of agitated depression and PTSD symptoms).

As long as you are honest most people will be reasonable with you. I found that it was a relief for people to know my issues without making a big thing of it.

PS. today I "came out" as having emotional intensity to my supervisor at work. Very supportive and no problems.
 
M

Mikeyp

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Preston
As a guy I completely get where you are coming from with this. It is bizarre because I can look at other people and know that they aren't 'weak' for feeling emotional yet I can't help but feel deeply uncomfortable telling people about my intense emotions.

TBH I found that the only way out of this is to tell people. I have a tendency to frame it with a caveat that I am not "mad" or "upset" all of the time and that I have better and worse days. I found my partner is very supportive of my difficulties (no I don't have a diagnosis of BPD, I work in health and I don't want to open the door for that conversation at work. I have an official tag of agitated depression and PTSD symptoms).

As long as you are honest most people will be reasonable with you. I found that it was a relief for people to know my issues without making a big thing of it.

PS. today I "came out" as having emotional intensity to my supervisor at work. Very supportive and no problems.

We have been together 18 month, this is big for me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or pitty me, aww look there's the mental man, I've sat there with people and couldn't understand why they wouldn't want to talk about it, now I know why, my heads so far up my ads right now. In my head I keep saying I'll tell her, knowing I'm gonna tell he4, but I just can't gain the gut to do it
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
4,675
Location
Nashua NH
Thanks, I do really want too, I know what your saying as I shouldn't feel ashamed, I just don't know how she will feel, she does put up with a lot from me, I find my self a right pain in the a** I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with me, it's not me hard being labelled. I'll find the right time I'm sure.

Thank you
She might be relieved to know that your behavior has a diagnosis associated with it and is treatable.
 
M

Mikeyp

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Preston
Hey guys, just a quick update, I've briefly explained what is going on to her, she is showing signs of support, and coming to a meeting with me tomorrow, thanks for your advice guys ❤
 
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WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
301
Location
UK
Sounds positive Mikey. Well done!
 
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