Confused and angry

[LJM]

I have known my boyfriend for 8 years, been together 3 years and lived together for 2 but I am making this relationship bad. He loves me a lot and has helped me a lot with my feelings but it just seems like one issue after another is causing problems.

I am scared of being abandoned, not just by him, by anyone, so I don't have any friends (other than him and people I know at work) because I don't trust, I don't trust that they won't leave me. I have very high expectations of friendship, too high, and I always feel awkward socially so I never make friends. I thought feeling shy and awkward would go away as I got older but it's still the same when I'm 21, nearly 22.

He is a very social person and has a lot of friends, he spends a lot of time with me, but goes out with friends. Rationall I know that he spends relatively little time with friends but when he goes out or makes plans that don't include me I feel angry, hurt, jealous, scared. Then I start to try and manipulate him into staying in with me, or including me in his plans. This manipulation is abusive, emotional abuse, raging at him, hitting him, he has to hold my hands and sometimes pin me to the bed to stop hitting him.

Being angry feels good, I am always angry, about something. I'm sure I try actively seek out things to be angry about.

It feels horrible to admit this, but I know I am abusive. I am such a horrible person and I want to stop if not for me then for him. But I don't know how. We communicate really well, and talk about my problems and try to think of ways I can stop. I am so thankful for his support and putting up with me. But he doesn't deserve this.

I went to the doctors about 18 months ago, but then I just felt sad and anxious. I was on fluoxitine for about 5 months and then I started to feel better and took myself off it, stupid I know but I wanted to learn to be happy without depending on drugs. That was my theory at the time anyway. I felt ok for a few months but then I started to just feel angry all the time.

I hope someone has an idea what is wrong with me and what I should do about it. Please.

 

[Emmy]

The only advice I can give is to go back on the drugs. So many people stop their medication as soon as they feel well which is the worse thing you can do as it is the medication making you feel better.
You have found that you revert back to your old ways without it so go back on it, if not for your sake for your boyfriends.

If a male admits to hitting a girl people are horrified and lots of people will be horrified that you hit your boyfriend. How would you feel if he hit you back?
Not very happy. You really are lucky that he has stood by you but nobody should but up with an abusive partner whether they are male or female.

You have a chance to change but you yourself know this will only happen with the drugs so please go back to your doctor before you lose the one person who supports you.

 

[Dollit]

Even if someone did have an idea of what could be "wrong" with you they can't make anything that resembles a diagnosis. Talk to your doctor and be honest about how you are.

You say you know that you're being abusive and yet you still do it. Why do you continue, have you tried stopping and thinking instead of reacting?

 

[joefrancis]

darn anti-depressants!

Hi LJM.

I don't think your boyfriend will leave you. He's probably(hopefully) fine with his role in the relationship dynamic. Are you still together?

"Being angry feels good, I am always angry, about something. I'm sure I try actively seek out things to be angry about." - Wow, I experienced this myself, that's a really good way to put it. At the time you just think that is just the way you are then you remember you weren't always like that and you notice you improve slowly over years. You don't realise at the time. Its a chemical imbalance left to you by the anti-depressants, because your angry all the time and have to find a reason why.

I stopped suddenly for the same reasons as you.

Consider st johns wort, its just a plant. The tincture is better than the tablets because it passes straight through the digestive system. I was on sertraline(an SSRI) and St John's Wort mimics the action of these but is herbal. It keeps the anger away but I'm going to try and ween myself off it. Consider a medicinal herbalist although herbs can have bad side effects.

I'm also trying a nutritional approach involving supplements. Perhaps you could see a nutritional therapist. I can give you the links to some nutrition websites.

Let me know how you get on?