L
LJM
New member
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2009
- Messages
- 3
I have known my boyfriend for 8 years, been together 3 years and lived together for 2 but I am making this relationship bad. He loves me a lot and has helped me a lot with my feelings but it just seems like one issue after another is causing problems.
I am scared of being abandoned, not just by him, by anyone, so I don't have any friends (other than him and people I know at work) because I don't trust, I don't trust that they won't leave me. I have very high expectations of friendship, too high, and I always feel awkward socially so I never make friends. I thought feeling shy and awkward would go away as I got older but it's still the same when I'm 21, nearly 22.
He is a very social person and has a lot of friends, he spends a lot of time with me, but goes out with friends. Rationall I know that he spends relatively little time with friends but when he goes out or makes plans that don't include me I feel angry, hurt, jealous, scared. Then I start to try and manipulate him into staying in with me, or including me in his plans. This manipulation is abusive, emotional abuse, raging at him, hitting him, he has to hold my hands and sometimes pin me to the bed to stop hitting him.
Being angry feels good, I am always angry, about something. I'm sure I try actively seek out things to be angry about.
It feels horrible to admit this, but I know I am abusive. I am such a horrible person and I want to stop if not for me then for him. But I don't know how. We communicate really well, and talk about my problems and try to think of ways I can stop. I am so thankful for his support and putting up with me. But he doesn't deserve this.
I went to the doctors about 18 months ago, but then I just felt sad and anxious. I was on fluoxitine for about 5 months and then I started to feel better and took myself off it, stupid I know but I wanted to learn to be happy without depending on drugs. That was my theory at the time anyway. I felt ok for a few months but then I started to just feel angry all the time.
I hope someone has an idea what is wrong with me and what I should do about it. Please.
I am scared of being abandoned, not just by him, by anyone, so I don't have any friends (other than him and people I know at work) because I don't trust, I don't trust that they won't leave me. I have very high expectations of friendship, too high, and I always feel awkward socially so I never make friends. I thought feeling shy and awkward would go away as I got older but it's still the same when I'm 21, nearly 22.
He is a very social person and has a lot of friends, he spends a lot of time with me, but goes out with friends. Rationall I know that he spends relatively little time with friends but when he goes out or makes plans that don't include me I feel angry, hurt, jealous, scared. Then I start to try and manipulate him into staying in with me, or including me in his plans. This manipulation is abusive, emotional abuse, raging at him, hitting him, he has to hold my hands and sometimes pin me to the bed to stop hitting him.
Being angry feels good, I am always angry, about something. I'm sure I try actively seek out things to be angry about.
It feels horrible to admit this, but I know I am abusive. I am such a horrible person and I want to stop if not for me then for him. But I don't know how. We communicate really well, and talk about my problems and try to think of ways I can stop. I am so thankful for his support and putting up with me. But he doesn't deserve this.
I went to the doctors about 18 months ago, but then I just felt sad and anxious. I was on fluoxitine for about 5 months and then I started to feel better and took myself off it, stupid I know but I wanted to learn to be happy without depending on drugs. That was my theory at the time anyway. I felt ok for a few months but then I started to just feel angry all the time.
I hope someone has an idea what is wrong with me and what I should do about it. Please.
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