Confused and angry

1

1234brush

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Uk
Hi so basically I'll try make this as short as I can.
Mid 20s male was dating a girl who was diagnosed with bpd had been together about 7 years in total living together for around 4ish.

The start of the relationship was amazing as it usually is. Slowly but surely she revealed her real self to me and I thought I could be the knight in shining armor for all her problems and depression etc. She got diagnosed and done one year of dbt and then she has been on a few different tablets since. She hates the mental heatlh hospital and there services so she doesn't really like going and she goes through stages of not wanting to take tablets etc.
Throughout the relationship I have took abuse from her to the point where I have hurt myself, I haven't lifted my hand to her or anything.
She has punched me scrabbed me wrecked my stuff ripped my t-shirts hit my dog (which she got)
People with BPD seem to be very impulsive and one day she arrived home with a dog in a taxi "s wtf yea so literally a month later she hates the dog she says she sees the dog as a person and she treats it as a person. I ended up loving the dog and wanting to take care of it

Got to a point she was saying it's me or the dog and that I loved the dog more than her. So literally as you can imagine what would happen if she came home and I was there with the dog on the sofa lol.

She has been push pull black and white for years now and she is now thinking she doesn't have bpd.

My life came to coming home and waiting to see what mood she was in and it then dictated my mood I couldn't see what I was doing wrong in her eyes. She was always upset or at me for summing and when she blows up she's always sorry the next day and crying I love you. ( and me been silly just let it happen)
She had loads of triggers and I literally found myself sensoring things I was going to say to her.

So anyway we broke up about two months ago and she has been living at new guys house or her mums I don't know but she still comes up home (we live together )to get some things. She was staying at the house for a month after we broke up separate rooms and the last month because we were arguing a lot she went to her mums or something .every time I see her I tell her to move out so I can continue with my life. So apparently she is moving out next month.

I can't be civil with her I feel like I have so much anger towards her for things she has done on me

Like.
Closed me off from my friends and family.
My mum and dad are dead also( she has told me to dig a hole next to them and jump in)
She has fused my head up she use to tell me she would kill herself if I left.
She use to tell me she was gonna kill herself and then run out of the house and not answer her phone and I would be out for hours trying to find her freaking out.
I have held her arms down on a bed because she was hurting herself and if made me feel so fuked.
She has screamed bit me spat in my face gave me black eye all for her to see our I'm sorry I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm so angry and confused and I don't even know why

My ex has told me they had a stupid kiss with someone while she was still living here while we were broke up I heard from elsewhere that she now has another partner. Lol and she hasn't even moved out officialyet what do you think of that. She doesn't know I know and I don't even want to bring it up to her .she is still trying be civil and she wants to know why I can't be civil,I've told her once she moves out that she is never to contact me again as I don't want upset when I'm healing. She was like people can be civil when they break up but I'm afraid it's just a ploy so she can connect with me when her fling is done

What I have found since I broke up with her is that she has like two different personalitystyles one where she is super confident and thinks life is going great and then she falls into a depressed worthless figure.

So the other week she had been drinking aND stuff for a few days and then she crashed. I was already giving her the silent treatment but she called me crying so I went down and spoke to her and asked what was up. She said it had really only hit her that we were broke up and she realized she was never gonna have that life again she looked really upset and down I explained to her this is what she wanted. ( she always talked about she didn't know if she was ready to settle down or if she wanted a party lifestyle)I told her you got what u wanted out of this to be free to go shag and drink all you want and she was like but your never gonna speak to me again and I said yes that's correct and she comes off with I've been with you so many years and I think that I have made my personality around you how am I going to continue on without you. Then she continues on that what happens if I move near you as its all I can afford and what happens if I see you walk past my house how do I not say hello. Or what if I'm really bad one day and I just call down to your house one day she said she feels completely comfortable around me and she said she can't be as comfortable around
 
Last edited by a moderator:
1

1234brush

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Uk
Others.. I think it's all manipulation to keep me around for some time. Later that night she was putting a full face of makeup on to go out drinking and she was back to her confident self

One thing I noticed about her is that unless she is going drinking or doing something exiciting she reverts back to her depressed self so since we broke up she has surrounded herself everyday and night with people. She can't be alone.

She has made me feel worthless. She has made me feel like my heart is been pushed/pulled she has made me angry that I let her do all that stuff on me
and that she is just like yea do u want to be friends
I don't think she has ever loved or respected me the way I did her I think she just liked the thought of me

I been to ae with her countless times for overdose
Her outlook on life would depress me sometimes she constantly was waiting on her mums to die because she would be alone. Her mums has no indication of dieing or anything
Times I would phone her and it would be like talking to a brick wall no emotion no nothing
She has bate me down so much with the things she has done and said.

I feel more better now been out of the relationship
But I'm still angry and I don't know why. Maybe because she is still hanging around and I can't move on I dunno
Maybe it's because she is already with someone else so she obviously didn't l9ve me that much that she is with a new partner within a month.
She told me she loved me and wanted kids with me and wanted to help her mental health. 3 weeks later she told me it was done after I told her I would try again if she went and got help.
 
1

1234brush

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Uk
So basically just want a few answers and what your thoughts are on this guy's. Thanks
 
I

Infinitepossibilities

Member
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
22
Location
UK
The cage door is open. You haven't painted much of a picture of your motivation to be embroiled in all this but from what you've said she sounds like someone who needs a lot of help. I imagine you're angry because you've given so much for so much of your short life and for what? Aspects of this relationship havr had a huge and at times sounds traumatic impact on your own life. It's easy to become a bit player in someone else's life story.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
777
Location
Norfolk
So basically just want a few answers and what your thoughts are on this guy's. Thanks
She sounds like she’s flitting between hyper and hypo mode. (See attached). I don’t think she’s meant to cause you pain and suffering but that’s obviously what it has done. Personally I’d try not to be angry or bitter and just try accept that due to circumstances you are both better off apart. BPD can be an absolute bastard for relationships.
 

Attachments

1

1234brush

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Uk
The cage door is open. You haven't painted much of a picture of your motivation to be embroiled in all this but from what you've said she sounds like someone who needs a lot of help. I imagine you're angry because you've given so much for so much of your short life and for what? Aspects of this relationship havr had a huge and at times sounds traumatic impact on your own life. It's easy to become a bit player in someone else's life story.
That bit player sentence wow that makes so much sense. Yea she does need help but it's not my problem no more. I think your right I have given everything to comfort her and make her whole again and she can't see any of that . I think I'm annoyed that I still have to have interactions with her while she's moving out
 
1

1234brush

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Uk
She sounds like she’s flitting between hyper and hypo mode. (See attached). I don’t think she’s meant to cause you pain and suffering but that’s obviously what it has done. Personally I’d try not to be angry or bitter and just try accept that due to circumstances you are both better off apart. BPD can be an absolute bastard for relationships.
Some of the things she has done and said to me have scarred me I don't understand how a person can be so devilish in the words and things they have build up to break udown I have accepted it that's why I don't care shes with another man good luck to him. I think I'm just angry because she can't see what she has done at all and because she's walking around like a we can be friends. I sense that even at this point she is trying manipulate me to be her friend so she can stay in touch and keep me for wen needed.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
824
That bit player sentence wow that makes so much sense. Yea she does need help but it's not my problem no more. I think your right I have given everything to comfort her and make her whole again and she can't see any of that . I think I'm annoyed that I still have to have interactions with her while she's moving out

I'm so sorry you've been through this, just to reinforce what you already know: this has been a highly abusive relationship and you should try to keep as minimal involvement with her as possible. From an empathic point of view, you appear to understand that she behaves this way because of the illness, she is severely sick and needs medical help, but that does absolutely not mean it is not your responsibility to get more embroiled and try to fix her.

I hope that she will reach out for help in the right places. She appears lost and confused and I know the NHS is Sh!t at getting help to people who need it, but hopefully with time she will get the help she needs.

Make your boundaries clear with her and you can avoid seeing her whilst she's moving out by maybe staying out of the house while she is there. Texting rather than calling. Being short and sweet about your negotiations with her for times when she can come get her stuff. Also you could change locks potentially when she moves out.

There was a very similar documentary on BBCiplayer about a guy who started a relationship with a girl who eventually became abusive though he did not at all see it at first. It was a very sad sorry and it might be helpful to you to watch just to make you see that you are not the only one and just to help you understand how much these people are unable to change without true medical help. That guy on the documenatry takes back the girl and she still doesn't change. She stops him from seeing his family, it is truly heartbreaking.

I hope you can rekindle connections with your family and recover from this. You also need help in recovering from this traumatic experience.

All the best to you. Use this as an experience to be careful to know what you're getting into... but don't be afraid to fall in love again as you sound like a good person who deserves it.
 
I

Infinitepossibilities

Member
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
22
Location
UK
That bit player sentence wow that makes so much sense. Yea she does need help but it's not my problem no more. I think your right I have given everything to comfort her and make her whole again and she can't see any of that . I think I'm annoyed that I still have to have interactions with her while she's moving out
Yes it's easier when you're someone who always tries to help others to have a clean break. I really wish you all the best for you and YOUR future now. You sound like a great guy. Spread your wings like an eagle and fly
 
1

1234brush

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Uk
Yes it's easier when you're someone who always tries to help others to have a clean break. I really wish you all the best for you and YOUR future now. You sound like a great guy. Spread your wings like an eagle and fly
Thank you very much I will try my best to get back to normal and move on from this messed up part of my life thanks again
 
1

1234brush

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Uk
I'm so sorry you've been through this, just to reinforce what you already know: this has been a highly abusive relationship and you should try to keep as minimal involvement with her as possible. From an empathic point of view, you appear to understand that she behaves this way because of the illness, she is severely sick and needs medical help, but that does absolutely not mean it is not your responsibility to get more embroiled and try to fix her.

I hope that she will reach out for help in the right places. She appears lost and confused and I know the NHS is Sh!t at getting help to people who need it, but hopefully with time she will get the help she needs.

Make your boundaries clear with her and you can avoid seeing her whilst she's moving out by maybe staying out of the house while she is there. Texting rather than calling. Being short and sweet about your negotiations with her for times when she can come get her stuff. Also you could change locks potentially when she moves out.

There was a very similar documentary on BBCiplayer about a guy who started a relationship with a girl who eventually became abusive though he did not at all see it at first. It was a very sad sorry and it might be helpful to you to watch just to make you see that you are not the only one and just to help you understand how much these people are unable to change without true medical help. That guy on the documenatry takes back the girl and she still doesn't change. She stops him from seeing his family, it is truly heartbreaking.

I hope you can rekindle connections with your family and recover from this. You also need help in recovering from this traumatic experience.

All the best to you. Use this as an experience to be careful to know what you're getting into... but don't be afraid to fall in love again as you sound like a good person who deserves it.
She was always conflicted with the nhs at one point she thought they were trying make her more unwell. It really takes its toll on you mentally being around someone who is so negative in life. I will do that I'll stay away when she is there I've already told her I don't want to be friends and told her never to ever contact me again. But we will see she went away for a year before and I took her back because she was so down and worthless and suicidal. But I've learned a lot since then how manipulate she can be and just hopes she doesn't contact me.
I hope so to I'm just enjoying been on my own for a bit like a detox it's crazy how much shit humans will put up with
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
777
Location
Norfolk
Some of the things she has done and said to me have scarred me I don't understand how a person can be so devilish in the words and things they have build up to break udown I have accepted it that's why I don't care shes with another man good luck to him. I think I'm just angry because she can't see what she has done at all and because she's walking around like a we can be friends. I sense that even at this point she is trying manipulate me to be her friend so she can stay in touch and keep me for wen needed.
I’ve always referred to having BPD as having a demon inside you, you can have urges to do cruel and reckless things. If these are done during periods of detachment it’s entirely possible she wouldn’t have any memory of them at all. Anger will not help you recover and move on. Try to be indifferent towards her, you’ll feel better.
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Moderator
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
4,809
Location
hiding behind the sofa
You’ve done the right thing now you need to cut all ties with he. If she tries with the emotional blackmail, I know it will be hard but you can’t get involved. If your really concerned for her welfare contact her family or friend and tell them what she’s threatening and that your no longer involved with her.
 
I

Infinitepossibilities

Member
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
22
Location
UK
Thank you very much I will try my best to get back to normal and move on from this messed up part of my life thanks again
It's not been a waste. We can learn and develop a great deal from our bad experiences and mistakes. You'll benefit from that in future ( if you do learn from it 😁) and hopefully so will a new lovely young lady and maybe even family... Took me 2 bad marriages (slow learner 🤣) to get it right, whatever we're used to seems normal, am amazed on a daily basis how easy it is to be in a happy relationship after my mad father and 2 similar husband's. My partner now nurtures and only wants the best for me always. My children who grew up with fighting and angst adore him. When you've never known it you don't believe it's real but loving nurturing relationships are possible and if anything happened to my partner now I'd be happy to be single and have my friends rather than a toxic relationship.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
My_Second_Chance People 1
My_Second_Chance People 1
My_Second_Chance People 6

Similar threads


Top