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Confused, Alone, Isolated

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poptarts21

Active member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
27
Location
East Midlands
Im going to repost this here, as i had to post it on someones journal page yesterday because the website was on a matienece break and would not let me post a new thread!

Basically i want to know if anyone has ever felt this way?
I havnt been diagnosed for anything and im pretty sure in my past i havnt felt this way. But this is the problem, why cant i believe myself on things?
Il think to myself i havnt even felt this way before, then il think your mad maybe you just made that up, youve always felt that way!

This is driving me insane, literally every second of the day i am worrying about something, it makes me feel sick, gives me stomach aches, headaches, i cant concentrate on one thing, even talking seems difficult and effort. What if i just made all that up? see what i mean :S i dont understand myself or why im putting myself through this.

Ever since i was about 11 i have worried about some stuff on and off, the first was when i picked up a needle with my friend that we found on the street, God knows why we did it, we were only kids we didnt even know the dangers of aids and such. But then when i got home i told my mum she was worried and asked if it went into me, i knew it didnt, but i couldnt convince myself. For weeeeks i couldnt convince myself and worried all the time about it, this was at 11 years old!!! so my mum ended up taking me to the doctors and he said something that put my mind at rest, i think he said if it had gone in you, you would know by now or something, so gradually i learned to give up believing it did. The when i was getting older i used to have weird thoughts like what if all of the world isnt real, what if im in a coma right now? Like how strange is that thought for a 12 year old girl? Then that bothered me for alonggg time but i gradually got over that too. After that i believed what if im in hell, what if this is hell, no idea why i used to think that, or what tirggered these thoughts off. I forgot about all of these worries and carried on my life as normal, or so i think i did :S

The next thing i'l say will sound awfull! that One day i was at my friends house, i never liked her dad anyway, but her dad shouted something up the strais to his daughter who was young, and for some reason i thought it sounded really creepy and strange a horrible thought came into my head about him that he was a bit of a perve or something, i have no idea why. When i had thought it, i wondered why the hell did you just think such an awfull thing. This played on my mind for a while and then i started to get even worse thoughts, thoughts i could not control like if i saw a child that was cute and pretty or something, instantly something bad would come into my mind about that child because of what i had thought about my friends dad. Like the thought "i bet you want to do things to her" would come in my mind even though i didnt want them to come into my head. After a while somehow im not sure i learned to live with these thoughts and think i know i dont mean to think them, maybe there like a sort of torretes of the mind.

After that once when i was on holiday i picked up my friends little girl, and obviously sometimes you cant help the way you pick them up can you?
Because of the thoughts i have had previously i thought to myself oh no did you just pick her up innapropriatley? and felt a bit guilty even though im pretty sure i did not mean to do so. Why cant i convince myself of this? whyyyyyyyyy? this is my question, it just leads me to believe i am a horrible disgracefull person even though im sure deep down i didnt mean to do it. how can i be sure though if i think alot of the things i am thinking could be made up.
i feel like i am trapped and forever going to feel this way, i honestly feel dead behind the eyes.

Iv spoken to my mum about it all, and i think because i have kept so many things to myself in the past, this is why i feel this way, and she trys her best to help me she really does, and sometimes she does help me, but no one can stop me thinking these awfull thoughts every minute of the day.
Shes sure i am not a horrible person and thinks the reasons i am having these thoughts that i can not stop, is because they are called inrregular thoughts or something?
She says everything will be okay, shes here to help and she is 100% sure i have nothing to worry about, she also thinks that its all to do with the contreceptive pill i have been taking recently that can make you depressed.

If i went to a psychiatrist they would want to lock me away or something, i know they will either in a mental hospital or in a prison or something.

Anyways i guess this is my rant over, even though i cant be sure that everything i have just said is true because thats how fucked up my head is right now. I know no one can help me, but replys would be nice, i just wish someone would no exactly how i feel and that someone is in the same situation.

I dont think you know how hard it has been for me to write all of this down, but somehow i have done it. Thanks x
 
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xxxmetal-chickxxx

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
165
Location
Bulford England
Hello =D

I think everybody has them thoughts pop into there head at some point in their lifes. You sound like you have some anxiety about stuff.

Dont worry about them locking you up. Its not actually that bad. I was sectioned when i was 15, fair enough it was in a childrens ward for a week. but thats because i was really suicidal. I was told they only take you in if your a danger to yourself or to others and by others i mean ... trying to hurt them or somthing. i maybe wrong but thats what i was told.



Im not useful as in actually knowing whats going in your head but i am someone to chat too. =D your very welcome to spill your beans out more to me whenever you like.

i dont mind =D


sara xxxxxx
 
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poptarts21

Active member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
27
Location
East Midlands
You think? Iv heard people can have irrational thoughts about things, you know think things they dont mean to, just stupid thoughts that come into your head that you dont mean to think. I believe this, im just wonderin why i think everything i think is a lie, i think its so i cant convince myself that im not a bad person, my mum and dad try to convinve me that i am a good person. I hope i am i think i am, i just dont feel myself right now i need to keep talking to people, and get a good night sleep which i havnt had for yonks! thanks for replying xx
 
SimonB

SimonB

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
938
Location
United Kingdom
Hi Poptart,

You seem to be stuck, trying to work it out on your own, which is no bad thing, but sometimes our mind plays tricks on us and what seems rational melts away into irrational.

You also seemed frightened if you go for help?? It's surprising how you have already built yourself upto something that might not happen the way you think it will. Anxiety about what will come??

Well I'd like to share this experience with you, and I have a similar history...knowing that I wasn't like other people but couldn't accept it or get help, until one day years later I was in a whole world of crap and the only way out was to see my GP,who was actually fab. I was immediately referred to an assessment unit, and assessed by a CPN who put me at ease, and even spoke of her own experiences with depression. My ego was rock bottom, my whole self worth, but for once in my life I was finally getting help and that was a relief.

I wasn't sectioned or admitted, but I was immediately educated and medication [which is a contentious issue in mental health] was given.

You have to give yourself a chance, if you are given medication don't feel bad about it, medicines have their uses, and you can always look at the pros and cons when you feel more stable in yourself.

Whatever you decide talking to your GP is a starting point to recovery.
 
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poptarts21

Active member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
27
Location
East Midlands
Hey thanks for replying.
Yeah i am very stuck tbh, everything has just got so on top of me, if i sit there trying to work my head out it just makes me feel sick with worry and just so shit, i feel like an awful person especially if i have done things wrong :S
I just hope the doctor can help me!
 
SimonB

SimonB

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
938
Location
United Kingdom
Anxiety is quite cruel and it feeds depression the main thing is that you have insight don'tlose touch with the fact that its anxiety thats making you feel like this.

Have you contacted your GP?
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Hi

I agree .. go see your GP first .. maybe just see a counciler to decus what you feel and get it out to some one out side your life .....

I think every body has "made up" an "what if" thoughts .. its how you deal with them ... even I worry about how my interactions with childern apper , and that is just talking to them with there parents standing there ... I think that is the media of today ...

I have images in my head that are horrific at times ... so long as I dont act on them and realise not to do so they cant lock me up and I have a file that looks like the yellow pages for a big city ... locking people up is pritty much a last resort thing ...

... but please do try and get help .. and your first stop is your GP ..

... Good luck .. boB ... (y)
 
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poptarts21

Active member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
27
Location
East Midlands
Thankyou for the advice bob, im slowly coming to terms with it, i am just making sillly things up in my head, i know i did nothing wrong deep down. Its just because i have kept them bottled up for so long dealing with them myself, that they have come back bigger and alot more realistic. Im seeing the GP today im sure he will help me further on the road to recovery :)
 
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