P
poptarts21
Active member
Im going to repost this here, as i had to post it on someones journal page yesterday because the website was on a matienece break and would not let me post a new thread!
Basically i want to know if anyone has ever felt this way?
I havnt been diagnosed for anything and im pretty sure in my past i havnt felt this way. But this is the problem, why cant i believe myself on things?
Il think to myself i havnt even felt this way before, then il think your mad maybe you just made that up, youve always felt that way!
This is driving me insane, literally every second of the day i am worrying about something, it makes me feel sick, gives me stomach aches, headaches, i cant concentrate on one thing, even talking seems difficult and effort. What if i just made all that up? see what i mean :S i dont understand myself or why im putting myself through this.
Ever since i was about 11 i have worried about some stuff on and off, the first was when i picked up a needle with my friend that we found on the street, God knows why we did it, we were only kids we didnt even know the dangers of aids and such. But then when i got home i told my mum she was worried and asked if it went into me, i knew it didnt, but i couldnt convince myself. For weeeeks i couldnt convince myself and worried all the time about it, this was at 11 years old!!! so my mum ended up taking me to the doctors and he said something that put my mind at rest, i think he said if it had gone in you, you would know by now or something, so gradually i learned to give up believing it did. The when i was getting older i used to have weird thoughts like what if all of the world isnt real, what if im in a coma right now? Like how strange is that thought for a 12 year old girl? Then that bothered me for alonggg time but i gradually got over that too. After that i believed what if im in hell, what if this is hell, no idea why i used to think that, or what tirggered these thoughts off. I forgot about all of these worries and carried on my life as normal, or so i think i did :S
The next thing i'l say will sound awfull! that One day i was at my friends house, i never liked her dad anyway, but her dad shouted something up the strais to his daughter who was young, and for some reason i thought it sounded really creepy and strange a horrible thought came into my head about him that he was a bit of a perve or something, i have no idea why. When i had thought it, i wondered why the hell did you just think such an awfull thing. This played on my mind for a while and then i started to get even worse thoughts, thoughts i could not control like if i saw a child that was cute and pretty or something, instantly something bad would come into my mind about that child because of what i had thought about my friends dad. Like the thought "i bet you want to do things to her" would come in my mind even though i didnt want them to come into my head. After a while somehow im not sure i learned to live with these thoughts and think i know i dont mean to think them, maybe there like a sort of torretes of the mind.
After that once when i was on holiday i picked up my friends little girl, and obviously sometimes you cant help the way you pick them up can you?
Because of the thoughts i have had previously i thought to myself oh no did you just pick her up innapropriatley? and felt a bit guilty even though im pretty sure i did not mean to do so. Why cant i convince myself of this? whyyyyyyyyy? this is my question, it just leads me to believe i am a horrible disgracefull person even though im sure deep down i didnt mean to do it. how can i be sure though if i think alot of the things i am thinking could be made up.
i feel like i am trapped and forever going to feel this way, i honestly feel dead behind the eyes.
Iv spoken to my mum about it all, and i think because i have kept so many things to myself in the past, this is why i feel this way, and she trys her best to help me she really does, and sometimes she does help me, but no one can stop me thinking these awfull thoughts every minute of the day.
Shes sure i am not a horrible person and thinks the reasons i am having these thoughts that i can not stop, is because they are called inrregular thoughts or something?
She says everything will be okay, shes here to help and she is 100% sure i have nothing to worry about, she also thinks that its all to do with the contreceptive pill i have been taking recently that can make you depressed.
If i went to a psychiatrist they would want to lock me away or something, i know they will either in a mental hospital or in a prison or something.
Anyways i guess this is my rant over, even though i cant be sure that everything i have just said is true because thats how fucked up my head is right now. I know no one can help me, but replys would be nice, i just wish someone would no exactly how i feel and that someone is in the same situation.
I dont think you know how hard it has been for me to write all of this down, but somehow i have done it. Thanks x
Basically i want to know if anyone has ever felt this way?
I havnt been diagnosed for anything and im pretty sure in my past i havnt felt this way. But this is the problem, why cant i believe myself on things?
Il think to myself i havnt even felt this way before, then il think your mad maybe you just made that up, youve always felt that way!
This is driving me insane, literally every second of the day i am worrying about something, it makes me feel sick, gives me stomach aches, headaches, i cant concentrate on one thing, even talking seems difficult and effort. What if i just made all that up? see what i mean :S i dont understand myself or why im putting myself through this.
Ever since i was about 11 i have worried about some stuff on and off, the first was when i picked up a needle with my friend that we found on the street, God knows why we did it, we were only kids we didnt even know the dangers of aids and such. But then when i got home i told my mum she was worried and asked if it went into me, i knew it didnt, but i couldnt convince myself. For weeeeks i couldnt convince myself and worried all the time about it, this was at 11 years old!!! so my mum ended up taking me to the doctors and he said something that put my mind at rest, i think he said if it had gone in you, you would know by now or something, so gradually i learned to give up believing it did. The when i was getting older i used to have weird thoughts like what if all of the world isnt real, what if im in a coma right now? Like how strange is that thought for a 12 year old girl? Then that bothered me for alonggg time but i gradually got over that too. After that i believed what if im in hell, what if this is hell, no idea why i used to think that, or what tirggered these thoughts off. I forgot about all of these worries and carried on my life as normal, or so i think i did :S
The next thing i'l say will sound awfull! that One day i was at my friends house, i never liked her dad anyway, but her dad shouted something up the strais to his daughter who was young, and for some reason i thought it sounded really creepy and strange a horrible thought came into my head about him that he was a bit of a perve or something, i have no idea why. When i had thought it, i wondered why the hell did you just think such an awfull thing. This played on my mind for a while and then i started to get even worse thoughts, thoughts i could not control like if i saw a child that was cute and pretty or something, instantly something bad would come into my mind about that child because of what i had thought about my friends dad. Like the thought "i bet you want to do things to her" would come in my mind even though i didnt want them to come into my head. After a while somehow im not sure i learned to live with these thoughts and think i know i dont mean to think them, maybe there like a sort of torretes of the mind.
After that once when i was on holiday i picked up my friends little girl, and obviously sometimes you cant help the way you pick them up can you?
Because of the thoughts i have had previously i thought to myself oh no did you just pick her up innapropriatley? and felt a bit guilty even though im pretty sure i did not mean to do so. Why cant i convince myself of this? whyyyyyyyyy? this is my question, it just leads me to believe i am a horrible disgracefull person even though im sure deep down i didnt mean to do it. how can i be sure though if i think alot of the things i am thinking could be made up.
i feel like i am trapped and forever going to feel this way, i honestly feel dead behind the eyes.
Iv spoken to my mum about it all, and i think because i have kept so many things to myself in the past, this is why i feel this way, and she trys her best to help me she really does, and sometimes she does help me, but no one can stop me thinking these awfull thoughts every minute of the day.
Shes sure i am not a horrible person and thinks the reasons i am having these thoughts that i can not stop, is because they are called inrregular thoughts or something?
She says everything will be okay, shes here to help and she is 100% sure i have nothing to worry about, she also thinks that its all to do with the contreceptive pill i have been taking recently that can make you depressed.
If i went to a psychiatrist they would want to lock me away or something, i know they will either in a mental hospital or in a prison or something.
Anyways i guess this is my rant over, even though i cant be sure that everything i have just said is true because thats how fucked up my head is right now. I know no one can help me, but replys would be nice, i just wish someone would no exactly how i feel and that someone is in the same situation.
I dont think you know how hard it has been for me to write all of this down, but somehow i have done it. Thanks x
