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confused about priorities whilst in a relationship



New member
Feb 26, 2009
inside a block of cement
warning: very long. i am writing this as a stalling tactic - there is something else i want to do, but i will try and write and see if it goes away or even helps a little bit...

all right. here goes then - i've been puzzled by this for a good while now. i thought it was just the negative thoughts, the invalidation of self (related to borderline pd)... but it seems i also have an explanation, it's not just vague anxiety, i can actually point where it stems from.

my boyfriend and i have been dating for a while now. we moved in together last year, and had been dating for well over a year at that point. sure, we had an extra rough time at first, now things are more stable.

i'm posting this here because he probably knows every place i post. not that i have particular secrets - it is just not a part of my nature not to reveal everything to my partner. i want to keep something to myself, too. and i want that space that means no one i know in real life will be there to lurk and comment later. i mean what i write, but i may not mean it as much after writing it.

so today something came back to me, something that was away for a little while. my boyfriend is a musician. i am a schizophrenic. so feeling inferior is a daily routine. he says i have a knack for words, but to me it means nothing. it is natural.. therefore it is not a talent. i did not do anything to acquire it. enough about that - he is enthusiastic about his music and loves to play to his audience. that's where he draws his strength.

i understand this very well. one must have a passion, otherwise they do not have anything to live for. i admire him and am immensely proud of him for what he does, that he has finally found his place, yet it looks like there is a spark of jealousy in there somewhere?

music used to be my passion, too. it's the depression that has killed this.

alright. so now down to the issue which i mentioned in the title... i feel that now that he has gigs every month, and is working at the same time, there is no space for me left. i need attention. i need him to show me that he cares, that is where i draw my strength from. back in the day he used to say i was his strength. now that i know i am not the only source for his strength... i know it is right. my head knows this very well and understands - but my heart feels abandoned.

the heart feels like he's slowly slipping away. and in a while - we will only greet each other like strangers.

i don't know what are healthy priorities in a relationship. is it your partner? right now he is my top priority. this might be unhealthy - i tell myself i need to suppress whatever is bothering me (there's a bunch of stuff. it's almost daily. i have varying success in suppression) so that his enthusiasm doesn't suffer. so now that he has gigs every month, he is going to be ecstatic about them until he goes there and plays, and when he comes back he will anxiously wait for his next gig.

and i'm supposed to squeeze myself somewhere in there... but i don't know how. he DOES give me attention. lately it feels like this only occurs when i'm feeling bad and crying. and even then i don't feel like the music less important than me. if a friend of his messages him, he will check it out and then come back to me.

nowadays i feel like i'm a top priority when we're having sex.

that sucks majorly. i know i need to talk to him about this. i just don't know if my feelings are justified. he just started working over a month ago. he needs time to figure out how to organize his time.

why do i feel like i'm the only one putting effort into this and he only when i ask? i'm not putting any effort into our relationship. i moan, i whine. i don't do housework... much. he does ask me to do things with him, but i don't always feel like it. i don't want to go to party when i'm feeling like i hate the whole human race.

which has been the case quite often lately.

he has to support me almost daily, hold me when i'm scared, when i cry, when i feel like there's nothing to look forward to. that is very mentally draining. he says i'm not draining him, but. i should know, i've done the same in the past. i don't know how to stop, because... well..

i'm sad... perpetually sad, varying in degrees. i don't know if i'm expecting too much, too little - i really don't know. i have asked him if we should just call it quits. he has said he has nothing to live for if i'm not there. i realize this might have been a sudden impulse. something he meant only when he said it.

oh, drika, when will you stop? don't you see we all have our own personal battles to fight? nobody has it easy.

the feeling has gone away somewhat - thank you for listening... :confused:


Hi Drika
soiunds like you are very confused about what you want and need at the moment, it appears that your one and only focus at the moment is your need for constant reassurance, but it is also hard to see that there is anything else out there when you mind is soley focused in your need.. if that makes sense. to be an individual you need to look beyond him and see more into yourself and what makes you you, if yoiu feel that you are being left out, take more active action to take part in what he is doing, but this also come from both ways, he too should take time to take interest in you and what you are doing, the fact that you are so focused on this you are not actually doing anything for yourself.
He, inturn, also seems very wrapped up in what he is doing and must not forget that he is actually in a relationship and that you should also be a huge part of his life, maybe he is focusing so much on his band that he too can not look beyond that.
yes everyone has problems etc, but you do not feel that you are being supported in the right way, He may not realise how much time he takes over his band and how it makes yoiu feel. honesty is the only way to find out how both of you can make time for each other as well as what you both enjoy, together or as an individual.
you seem to poo off any compliments he says, you mention that your way with words is not a talent, it comes naturally, So you are naturally talented/skilled and to you it may seem easy but to him he sees brilliance, take the compliment for what it is. anyone with a natural skill will find it easy and be very modest over it, does not mean to say they are not skilled does it.
give yourself some credit. try to use it to your advantage, write songs, poems or stories. share this with him, jam together.

I think that these worries are something that yhou should talk to him about, say you feel he is slipping away or abandonded, say that you feel he is leaving you out and focusing too much on the band. (after all if you have no imput/inclusion you will not find the same amount of enthusiasm as he does would you)
best wishes

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