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Confronting

A

Ana

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
87
Location
Romania
Hi all!
I was wondering about how you behave when you are mad at someone.
Recently something happened to me that made me angry and hurt.
There was a job opportunity that is for juniors and my colleague knew about it and was supposed to inform all the juniors, but she didn’t inform anyone and went for the trial.
I got to know that she goes to this internship like situation for a long time and she gets paid for it.
I was shocked and hurt by her behaviour because she doesn’t have the right to do this. All the juniors had to know about it and she should have spread the word.
Anyway, today when she saw me she said hi enthusiastically and I just bluntly said hi back.
The thing is , I’m super mad at her to the point where I want to confront her, yet I can’t coz I don’t like confronting.
I dunno what to do.
I tend to avoid people when they hurt me like that and it turns into hate.
I currently despise her because of that behaviour and she’s always trying to copy me.
Anyway, do u tend to confront or do u ignore the person?
 
Acorn

Acorn

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
721
Location
England
Hello
What a difficult situation to be in! In the past when people have hurt me I have ignored them but that tends to end in either a blow up or emotion on my part or them confronting me in a situation that’s completely out of my control.
What about confrontation is it that you don’t like? Does it have to be that way or can you change the way you communicate to be more controlled? Have you ever done dbt? A lot of questions I know.
I often use interpersonal effectiveness dbt skills when I need to have difficult conversations with people. There is one DEAR MAN that I find particularly helpful
 
A

Ana

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
87
Location
Romania
I have never done dbt sadly .
I don’t like the fact that my personality changes when I confront others. I become mean and I look like I’m hurt by their actions.
The issue is, if I don’t confront, I’ll be mad in silence for a long time and that means the other party wins.
So a part of me wants to confront her and teach her a lesson not to do something as selfish as that to us because she has no other choice since it concerns us as well.
And another doesn’t wanna show how hurt I’m
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
I have never done dbt sadly .
I don’t like the fact that my personality changes when I confront others. I become mean and I look like I’m hurt by their actions.
The issue is, if I don’t confront, I’ll be mad in silence for a long time and that means the other party wins.
So a part of me wants to confront her and teach her a lesson not to do something as selfish as that to us because she has no other choice since it concerns us as well.
And another doesn’t wanna show how hurt I’m
Hi all!
I was wondering about how you behave when you are mad at someone.
Recently something happened to me that made me angry and hurt.
There was a job opportunity that is for juniors and my colleague knew about it and was supposed to inform all the juniors, but she didn’t inform anyone and went for the trial.
I got to know that she goes to this internship like situation for a long time and she gets paid for it.
I was shocked and hurt by her behaviour because she doesn’t have the right to do this. All the juniors had to know about it and she should have spread the word.
Anyway, today when she saw me she said hi enthusiastically and I just bluntly said hi back.
The thing is , I’m super mad at her to the point where I want to confront her, yet I can’t coz I don’t like confronting.
I dunno what to do.
I tend to avoid people when they hurt me like that and it turns into hate.
I currently despise her because of that behaviour and she’s always trying to copy me. What’s done is done so you need to try and accept the situation as it
Anyway, do u tend to confront or do u ignore the person?
Firstly what you must realise is that you are thinking with your feelings. These are likely to distort and make you feel far worse than you should. Secondly our emotions are extreme so this will feel extremely painful to you, causing anger and resentment. You will probably use something called emotional reasoning that can lead to feelings like hate and in turn cause you to bear a grudge which could last a very long time.
My advice to you would be Indeed to confront her, BUT only when you get yourself into a calm state of mind. Listen to some relaxing music, take a deep breath and hold it, then release it and repeat this ten times. When you think your emotions are under control calmly take her to one side and explain how hurt you have been by what has happened. Try to have a calm conversation with her, if you are able to. By discussing the situation in this manner you will be able to release any anger and accept what has happened and hopefully it does not happen again.
 
A

Ana

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
87
Location
Romania
Firstly what you must realise is that you are thinking with your feelings. These are likely to distort and make you feel far worse than you should. Secondly our emotions are extreme so this will feel extremely painful to you, causing anger and resentment. You will probably use something called emotional reasoning that can lead to feelings like hate and in turn cause you to bear a grudge which could last a very long time.
My advice to you would be Indeed to confront her, BUT only when you get yourself into a calm state of mind. Listen to some relaxing music, take a deep breath and hold it, then release it and repeat this ten times. When you think your emotions are under control calmly take her to one side and explain how hurt you have been by what has happened. Try to have a calm conversation with her, if you are able to. By discussing the situation in this manner you will be able to release any anger and accept what has happened and hopefully it does not happen again.
Thank you!
Great advice!
 
Acorn

Acorn

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
721
Location
England
She went on a holiday now and won’t be back soon.
I believe the resentment is becoming less because I don’t see her.
Sometimes separation makes all the difference
 
Schitzoaffective007

Schitzoaffective007

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
172
Location
Florida USA
Confront her in a nice way and be nice no matter what her reaction may be. Simple as that.
 
A

Ana

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
87
Location
Romania
Update:
She came back from her holiday and I have been cold to her.
Basically I don’t initiate convos and apparently she picked that up quickly and stopped talking to me.
One colleague noticed it and asked me about it yesterday and I said there’s nothing going on ( because I know she will go and tell her if I say anything).
Anyway I dunno how long this will last but I genuinely don’t wanna see her face but sadly I have to work with her
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
127
Location
uk
I can do the same, just ignore the person because I am so angry at something they did, I can't bear to be around them, sometimes I can't confront them because I know if I do I will start off trying to be calm, but if they don't respond in the way I want them to then I know I will start to feel angry inside and become either upset or start raising my voice to try and get them to apologize and realise what they did, but it makes me worse if they try and lie about it. I find most of the time people don't want to hold their hands up and say they did wrong and sincerely apologise for it, they would rather make excuses or make you feel bad for bringing it up. That makes me resent them more.
 
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