• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Conflict with friend - looking for advice

S

Snowshoes68

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2019
Messages
99
Location
USA
My friend keeps sending messages asking about Halloween party plans and I keep avoiding/ignoring them because my friends are purposely excluding her because her boyfriend is really really unpleasant to be around and we don't want him to come. I feel like all of the pressure is on me to handle it and these situations freak me out and send me into absolute panic. I had to take a half sick day from work the first time she asked because I had a really bad breakdown.

I think if I ask my other friends they'll not really get my position. I feel like with BPD I'm "allergic" to these kinds of situations so I gotta take extra precautions to take care of myself whereas people without BPD are more resilient.

Looking for advice on how to handle these people interactions but also be mindful of my own experience
 
E

Elisante

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 16, 2020
Messages
1,707
Location
Greece
I know it's hard but ignoring her might hurt her feelings. Can't you tell her not to bring her boyfriend? Or will she get mad?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,144
Location
Nashua NH
Why not just invite her and deal with the boyfriend? Is he really that bad?
 
HLon99

HLon99

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
709
Location
London, UK
Honestly, it is unfair of your friends to dump all of this responsibility on to you. If its them who really don't want her boyfriend around then they should be the ones to tell him. All this sneaking around is just some next level high school games, very immature.

Like me being me, I tend to have a thicker skin when it comes to confrontation, and if I don't like someone I would most likely just say it to their face. But if I was cornered into a situation like this, I would demand that some else goes with me to deliver the bad news, otherwise that's just them using you as a scapegoat in case she chooses to blame someone for not inviting her boyfriend. Don't stand for that.
 
S

Snowshoes68

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2019
Messages
99
Location
USA
I know it's hard but ignoring her might hurt her feelings. Can't you tell her not to bring her boyfriend? Or will she get mad?
He's "visiting" from out of town but here for several months so I don't think she would just leave him at home alone.
 
S

Snowshoes68

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2019
Messages
99
Location
USA
Why not just invite her and deal with the boyfriend? Is he really that bad?
He is very rude and ruins the atmosphere on purpose. No one else wants him to come so at that point, I figured might as well not doing anything if we're all just going to be irritated since hanging out is supposed to be fun
 
S

Snowshoes68

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2019
Messages
99
Location
USA
Honestly, it is unfair of your friends to dump all of this responsibility on to you. If its them who really don't want her boyfriend around then they should be the ones to tell him. All this sneaking around is just some next level high school games, very immature.

Like me being me, I tend to have a thicker skin when it comes to confrontation, and if I don't like someone I would most likely just say it to their face. But if I was cornered into a situation like this, I would demand that some else goes with me to deliver the bad news, otherwise that's just them using you as a scapegoat in case she chooses to blame someone for not inviting her boyfriend. Don't stand for that.
I dont think anyone else cares enough at the moment to do anything other than sit by idly but if that happens and he does end up coming, we'll just talk about how much we don't like him later or the unpleasant things he says. Which is why I think it would be kinder to be upfront about how at least I feel about the situation. I can't control other people's action but I am responsible for my own so I feel obligated to say something
 
E

Elisante

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 16, 2020
Messages
1,707
Location
Greece
I think you have to discuss it with her. It's kind of hard to judge from the internet. I just think it's kind of harsh to ignore her since it's not really her fault. I mean, if she is not one of those girl that completely ignore her partner's faults, I'm sure she will listen to you. It's not the first time you voiced your opinion on her boyfriend right?
 
S

Snowshoes68

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2019
Messages
99
Location
USA
I think you have to discuss it with her. It's kind of hard to judge from the internet. I just think it's kind of harsh to ignore her since it's not really her fault. I mean, if she is not one of those girl that completely ignore her partner's faults, I'm sure she will listen to you. It's not the first time you voiced your opinion on her boyfriend right?
Thank you for your support and advice.

I haven't talked to her about it before because I don't feel like it's my place to judge someone in her life. But also she does completely ignore his faults and wholeheartedly believes in him. And again, I feel like it's not my place to say if her judgement is "right" or "wrong". But we have conversations about things or traits that bother us in other people and then he does the exact same thing and she ignores it.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,144
Location
Nashua NH
Are you willing to ruin your friendship over it?
I don’t know how sensitive your friend is but if you exclude them from the party it seems like it could certainly turn out that way.
 
HLon99

HLon99

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
709
Location
London, UK
I dont think anyone else cares enough at the moment to do anything other than sit by idly but if that happens and he does end up coming, we'll just talk about how much we don't like him later or the unpleasant things he says. Which is why I think it would be kinder to be upfront about how at least I feel about the situation. I can't control other people's action but I am responsible for my own so I feel obligated to say something
Well, its a shame that your friends are leaving you out to dry like that. You're definitely the bigger person in this situation. I absolutely agree that being upfront is the best thing to do, but you gotta do it right so it doesn't backfire. You gotta draw the line, tell them that you want your friend at that party and you are going to tell her about it regardless of whether or not her boyfriend comes; unless that is they decide to step up to the plate and all be willing to be straight with her about the boyfriend. If your friends are willing to sit idly by and bitch about people behind their backs they'll be willing to throw you under the bus as well, pin the blame on you. Be strong, be true to yourself, but don't be naive.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
TheEmperorsChampion BPD and Conflict Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 4
O My PRESENCE causes conflict with adults BUT kids and animals happily greet me? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
wraziel My friend left me and blocked me Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
A Friend or more Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 26
D Cant keep a friend Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 9
S Fear my boyfriend and friend are up to something, am I just paranoid? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 42
M My friend needs help. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
B Try to reach out to my friend or not Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 3
C My friend needs me, but I don't know if I am strong enough Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
N Friend chooses when i can exist in her life Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 13
wraziel Death of my internet friend breaks me AF, my heart, mind everything Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
V Not BPD related but my best friend was PTS today 💔 Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 12
wraziel A friend from internet died Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 13
Fairy Lucretia meeting old school friend x Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
S Nobody Wants to be Your Friend (VENT) Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 13
almostordinary My best friend really hurt me Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 23
L Looking for answers Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
M Looking for some answers.. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 4
Fairy Lucretia Looking after Star. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 33
N i dont know if i have BPD or not and am looking for advice... Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 7
H Looking for a BPD specialist Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 7

Similar threads

Top