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Concerned about my weight

M

mind_the_cones

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Nov 8, 2014
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62
Hi everyone,

I need some help relating to my weight and diet.

For as long as I can remember, I have had (over) weight and diet difficulties. My mum says that I weighed 10 pounds at birth, and I was a heavy baby! I remember going to a dietitian when I was about 10. Can't remember if I started eating anything new after that, but the weight issues still remained. Confession: until the age of 15, my tea time meal consisted of eating home french fries. Every night... :(

My Mum then helped me started eating some new things, and I introduced (amongst other things) Pasta and Potato Wedges into my life. Two of my favourite meals :) In the final couple of years of my School Life (and first year of Uni), I seemed to have got my diet and weight good enough. I was attending the Gym twice a week, walking home from School, walking my Dogs every evening. I don't know if I got to my "natural" weight, or even a healthy weight. But it looks good now... (I still consider those 3 years the best of my life, and wonder where it all went wrong.

Since I was diagnosed with depression around Christmas 2010, I have struggled with my eating. Liked many, I tried to find solace comfort food. For example, my afternoon snack would be a chocolate bar or similar. I switched my cereal to Corn Flakes, as I thought they tasted better (but didn't fill me up in the morning - I have since switched back to Cherios). I do vaguely remember around Summer 2012 being upset with my weight, and vowing to improve it. It has been on my mind ever since.

But trying to lose weight whilst full-time at Uni (particularly around exam time) was beyond me. For example, without fail I would have a coffee and cake (amongst others) at Lunch time. I felt that I had "deserved" a treat, since I was working hard at Uni (it was such a hard degree, but I didn't study anywhere near enough!).

Anyway, I have now put on weight. And I despair at my stomach looking in the mirror :( I know there is an emphasis on body image, and it's more important to eat and live healthily. But I just look terrible, and it's a reminder to me of the struggles I've had. I long for days of the last, when I felt well and I was at a better weight. I want to lose weight. But have no idea how. I don't believe in any crazy diets or whatever, but I'm just at a loss.

It feels like everything used to be so easy

I still have problems with comfort eating when I'm feeling down. But it's getting to the point where I feel guilty about eating anything remotely "nice". For example, when I went to the cinema last week I felt guilty about having some Popcorn (only some, certainly not a large portion to myself! I feel like I can't give myself any treats or anything. If I go for a coffee, I sometimes like having a cake too. But I feel guilty about that.

My friends definitely helped me vary my diet over the course of Uni. Thanks to their help, I discovered the wonders of Bacon and chicken (I'm sure there's at least one other food, but I can't remember off of the top of my head). Whenever I go to their flats, I always have a great time. Though I do tend to eat a few "naughty" things, because my best friends likes his snacks!

Momentum on widening my diet has stalled a bit since leaving Uni. Now that I remember, my diet is the biggest reason why I'vr only been outside the UK once, and never went on School trips. What would I eat, would I be able to eat enough to not starve, would I look like a complete idiot in front of everyone else? I always asked these questions to myself. I can actually go out to some restuarants now and feel reasonably comfortable - there's always something I can eat (even if it's basic). Even still, I don't like going out to restaurants for the same reasons as above

I feel like I'm choking myself with my obsession about my weight. I've stopped eating alot of things since my depression, such as: chocolate bars, packets of chips (crisps over here), ice cream, popcorn (outside cinema), etc. Like alot of the time previously, I'm feeling like I'm trying really hard and getting nowhere. I know I'm having a rough few days because I'm full of the flu... But I've eat a few snacky things the last few days, and feel guilty about it.

Thanks for reading this, any help would be really appreciated. I'm really worried about it :(

Matthew
 
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Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Oct 23, 2014
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Sorry to hear that you're struggling and also that you've been unwell. I hope you are on the mend.

It can be a vicious circle but it sounds as though you have done well previously when trying to lose weight. Would going back to the gym be possible? Any form of exercise, even if it's just a walk each day, or dancing around the house with music blaring, will be beneficial. Obviously wait until you feel well enough.

Do you eat many fruits or vegetables? They're ideal to snack on. There are loads of healthy snack and meal options available but, if your main problem is comfort eating, then distractions might work best for you. You could use anything you enjoy; go for a walk, watch TV or a film, surf the Net, play games etc. Have a list of them and then, every time you find yourself reaching for food, or get the urge to eat when you shouldn't be, do something on your list instead. Water and sugar-free squashes are also useful. Whenever you feel hungry, drink a glass of water or squash instead.

A friend of mine used to have a 'treat' day. She would diet through the week and on Sundays allow herself two treats of her choosing. I think it kept her going and, because she'd 'allowed' herself these treats she didn't feel guilty about them.

I think that if you can start making little changes then hopefully your obsession will ease a little and you'll start feeling better about yourself. If you're really struggling to do this on your own, or if your obsessions continue, perhaps a visit to your GP would be an idea. They should be able to help.

I don't know if any of this will help but I hope that you manage to find a way forward.
 
*autumn*

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Whenever you feel hungry, drink a glass of water or squash instead.
........ because she'd 'allowed' herself these treats she didn't feel guilty about them..........
I think that if you can start making little changes.....
Thanks for this.
 
M

mind_the_cones

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Thank you Purple Chaos :)

I'm still active at the Gym, I aim for 2 days a week and normally achieve that unless I'm busy and/or unwell. I quite my Cardio workouts, always do a 10 minute 2km warm-up on the rowing machine (maximum resistance!). Then, I either do more cardio (normally 10km bike, again max resistance) or sme exercise machines (like leg press, shoulder press etc). Though I'm really slow whenever I do bike/cross-trainer, max resistance tires me out quickly and last bit is a slog. Fitness levels seem to be a bit down from previously :(

Also, I walk my Dogs at home quite often (at least once a day). So it's not like I'm getting no exercise. That makes me think it's more to do with the diet side. I absolutely love fruit: always have a banana/some grapes with my lunch, and then (sometimes) another banana mid-afternoon. Do like mini-oranges, but rarely have them due to the faff pelling them. Apples are ok, but I tend to stay away because I seem to always get some bits stuck in my teeth.

I think the silent "killer" is the evening/mid-afternoon/coffee snacks. Quite often I have a tasty thing to eat just before I go to bed, I feel I have "earned" it after the day's efforts. There is the same feeling of having "earned" it if I have a coffee, or as a mid-afternoon snack (especially when I was at Uni!). I have introduced a banana/Jaffa Cakes as a "healthier" option. Not perfect, but better than a Chocolate Muffin!

I was thnking yesterday that my weight is at least part of why my self-esteem is low. I have recently began to start embracing my sexuality (see the thread in Depression forum), and since then I already have
got myself some employment! This is the next thing to tackle, I feel. I don't want my eating to be like my sexuality, where I'm scared of it and try to repress it for years. At the same time, I really want to lose weight. Putting on any more simply isn't an option! I already feel bad because I haven't been able to go Gym last few days because of flu. My eating has been ok mostly, but I've had a few snacky things. Want to get back on track ASAP!

Sorry if any of that didn't make sense, it's late and I need bed. But that describes most of what I'm feeling at the moment

Matthew
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Hi Matthew,

No worries, it made perfect sense. I hope that this response does, I've been fighting the urge to fly all day! Anyway, it certainly sounds as though you are working really hard towards your weight loss. It's great that you are getting exercise (persevere, it'll get easier) and eating well. If you're struggling in the evening with snacking, have a cut off time or only allow yourself snacks of vegetables and fruit between your evening meal and breakfast.

I did read through your other posts and can see you have been going through some issues recently. Hopefully embracing your sexuality will be liberating and a positive experience for you. I would imagine that worry about this and your weight has had quite a detrimental impact on your self esteem but you are making progress and you should be really pleased with yourself.

You mentioned you are taking medication for depression. Are you still taking this? The only reason I ask is that some psychotropic medications can cause weight gain and can also inhibit weight loss. Obviously, I'm not suggesting messing about with your medication at all (please always consult a medical professional before doing anything different with your meds!) but it might be worth checking out the side-effects and talking to your GP about it.

If the medication can be ruled out, we'll just have to try to come up with some other sparkly ideas.

By the way, congratulations on getting a job. That's excellent news. I hope it's going well.
 
M

mind_the_cones

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Hi Purple Chaos,

I'm on Venlafaxine 150ml for my depression. I was on 225ml when I graduated in the Summer, but I've been able to reduce it (consulting with my GP, of course!) since. It still is a goal for me to one day not be reliant upon medication. It's a target, but I will always follow my GP's advice. And I won't make myself needlessly suffer for the sake of taking a tablet! A couple of months ago, I ran out of my medication over a weekend. By the afternoon of the second day, I felt like I was about to pass out... Fortunately I was able to get some, but I learned then not to mess around with my medication!

I've looked up the side-effects, and it turns out increase in appetite/weight gain is among them. Thanks for suggesting this, as it had not occured to me that it may be medication related! I feel better about it now :) Whilst I've obviously not helped myself at some points, it's good to know it might not be all my fault. I want to keep working away at it (when I'm not full of the flu!). Hopefully I can make some progress, as I do feel really guilt and upset about it :( Just need to keep exercising and being disciplined with snacks!

About my sexuality: I've really made alot of progress with this. I've got to the point where I'm not going to worry abour other peole might think (especially as friends/family have been really supportive so far!). All I care about is whether I'm comfortable in my heart. And I'm not going to cover it up, and pretend it doesn't exist anymore. I finally feel like I'm on the path that will lead to inner hapiness and peace! Everyone's always said that I'm too hard on myself, and I need to start listening to it!

Thanks about the job, I'm really looking forward to getting started! I sent my forms back last week, just need to wait for them to check references and give me a start date :)

Thanks again, I really appreciate it :)

Matthew
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Hey Matthew,

Thank you for your reply. It sounds as though (despite suffering with the flu - hope you recover soon) you are doing so very well. It's lovely to hear and I enjoyed reading your post.

It looks as though we've hit the nail on the head with the weight gain and medication. You obviously realise the importance of taking it properly and it is clearly of benefit to you. There are anti depressants that don't have this as a side-effect so it might still be worth talking it through with your GP.

Please try not too feel too guilty, upset or hard on yourself. Just recognise that you are doing really well and are heading in the right direction. Feel good about your attempts and achievements, regardless of how small they might seem to you.

The progress you have made regarding your sexuality is admirable. I believe that if people can't accept you for who you truly are, or are not willing to at least try, then they are the ones with the problem, not you.

I really do wish you all the best Matthew. Hope you get your start date soon. Keep us updated. :hug1:
 
C

clyde

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Hi purple, you should consult with your doctor to give you tips to overcome your eating disorder. Having a depression can you lead to something worse. But if you help yourself to avoid all of that can be easily. Do the thing that you're doing in your past. I know you can do it.
 
M

mind_the_cones

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Hi Purple Chaos,

Thanks again for your kind messages, I really appreciate it :)

To be honest, when I'm talking about being supportive the least supportive person to me was: myself! Everyone I have talked to about my sexuality has been really supportive and helpful about it. I cloaked up my fears as being about what other people might think. In reality, it was my own fear that was holding me back. I was scared of what I might uncover, and thought I was too "good" to have a sexuality. Basically, I was arrogant and too proud to consider that I might be the same as every other human being. I wanted to do things "my way" (ie. repress all sexuality). The results were... :(

(My whole depression was all caused by a combination trying to repress sexuality and Uni work. Basically, I was guilty about my Porn viewing, and tried to rectify it by repressing Masturbation and all sexual thoughts. The aim was good and fine, it was the execution of this where I screwed up. Only took me 4 years to realise it!).

And I only started accepting myself because of one night in a hotel room in London (on holiday with my Dad). I do get lonely when I'm away from home, it's all the home comforts I missed. But it was more than that, it was regret and sorrow at where my path was leading. At this point, I had applied for my volunteering by hadn't heard back that they were going to interview and then take me on.

I had (barely) graduated 5 months earlier, stressed myself up to hell with the referendum (I'm NOT going into detail!) and had no job (had applied, but hadn't heard back) Basically, I thought I wasn't going anywhere. So then I thought why I didn't have a mental health support forum to go to, considering I'm part of a transgender support forum for my sexuality. I still consider myself to have difficulties with my mental health, and probably will do all of my life. I've always been quite an insular and emotional person, and circumstances allowed it to become depression. So I started talking about myself, and within 24 hours it was obvious to me how stupid I had been. That what I was trying to do was never going to work and would only lead to pain and frustration (ironically I thought I knew that repression equals depression, but still did it anyway!)

If I continue my progress from the last month or so into the new year, things are going to be really good! Hopefully that progress will soon extend to my weight too :)

Thanks again everyone,

Matthew
 
Monroe1980

Monroe1980

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Hi Matthew,

Don't know your situation but I always find if you shop for yourself and cook for yourself you tend to eat healthier. If you buy only healthy food and there's no junk food in the house you soon forget about it. Buy lots of chicken and fish, vegetables, brown rice and wholewheat pasta.

Definitely think protein for breakfast is important, I always try to have two eggs as well as porridge. Doesn't take as much as you think, the cravings for sweet things go very quickly. Obviously keep completely away from sugary drinks, including fruit juices.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Hi Matthew,

Anytime and you're welcome :)

You've really come a long way in a relatively short time and I'm pretty sure that you will continue to progress. You have good insight and also the ability to stand back and take a look at not only your weaknesses but your strengths too. I'm glad that the forum has helped somewhat with this. I've found it beneficial. I think sometimes that just writing things down helps.

We all have a tendency to be our own worst enemy and can be less forgiving and supportive of ourselves than others. Acceptance is the key, I think. Accepting that fundamentally we are who we are and also recognising our abilities and limitations. You seem to be doing a good job with that.

Thank you for your post. Although within you explain your pain and trials, it is full of hope and optimism. All good stuff! :)
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Hi Matthew,

Don't know your situation but I always find if you shop for yourself and cook for yourself you tend to eat healthier. If you buy only healthy food and there's no junk food in the house you soon forget about it. Buy lots of chicken and fish, vegetables, brown rice and wholewheat pasta.

Definitely think protein for breakfast is important, I always try to have two eggs as well as porridge. Doesn't take as much as you think, the cravings for sweet things go very quickly. Obviously keep completely away from sugary drinks, including fruit juices.
Very aesthetically pleasing :)
 
M

mind_the_cones

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Messages
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Thanks again for the help everyone :)

Purple, I am very much my own worst enemy! If I had a penny for everytime someone told me I was doing well, and I didn't believe them... I always seem to demand more and more from myself. But the only thing yanyone can do is give your absolute 100% in everything you do. As long as you can genuinely say that to yourself, there's nothing else that you can do! I've definitely found that writing things down and talking to people is very helpful. Even if they don't give any specific advice, just talking about it makes me feel better :) Being on the forum has been a very pleasant experience so far, and I hope that I can help others as well as getting advice when need be!

Monroe, I still live at home so my Mum usually cooks for me. Cooking skills are something that I need to learn at some point! I do eat Pasta, chicken and (some) vegetables though :)

What I need to do is come up with some plan that allows me to have occasional treats without feeling guilty. I've learned the hard way that repression equals depression. If I treat to eat healthily all the time and deny myself anything nice, I'll end up giving into the nice stuff anyway! So better to do it on my terms... Does anyone have any ideas on this? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated

Thanks, Matthew
 
Monroe1980

Monroe1980

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Thanks again for the help everyone :)

Purple, I am very much my own worst enemy! If I had a penny for everytime someone told me I was doing well, and I didn't believe them... I always seem to demand more and more from myself. But the only thing yanyone can do is give your absolute 100% in everything you do. As long as you can genuinely say that to yourself, there's nothing else that you can do! I've definitely found that writing things down and talking to people is very helpful. Even if they don't give any specific advice, just talking about it makes me feel better :) Being on the forum has been a very pleasant experience so far, and I hope that I can help others as well as getting advice when need be!

Monroe, I still live at home so my Mum usually cooks for me. Cooking skills are something that I need to learn at some point! I do eat Pasta, chicken and (some) vegetables though :)

What I need to do is come up with some plan that allows me to have occasional treats without feeling guilty. I've learned the hard way that repression equals depression. If I treat to eat healthily all the time and deny myself anything nice, I'll end up giving into the nice stuff anyway! So better to do it on my terms... Does anyone have any ideas on this? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated

Thanks, Matthew
In my opinion the cravings go when you cut out the sweet things, there's no insulin spikes and you don't feel like you're missing out once your body adjusts. Takes a few days before the cravings start to go. It may make you initially depressed as you think you're not getting any treats but your body will adjust and I'm sure you'll feel differently. Healthy food is delicious anyway.

The overall effect of eating healthy will help the depression a lot as well. You could try it for a given time of lets say two weeks, see how you feel and then maybe allow yourself a day a week for sweet things etc...if you still feel like it. Just an idea...
 
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