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Compulsive behaviour

Q

qwerty123

New member
Joined
Mar 25, 2015
Messages
2
Hi im new here and havent read through many posts so i dont know if this is covered but im having a tough time and wanted some advice. I feel like a terrible human being and that i deserve whatever happens to me.

I have suffered from depression (non diagnosed but i know) in the past.

I have over recent years been undertaking compulsive behavior that is making me unhappy - i wont go into too much detail.

I have an ok job, but i hate it. I have a house and family and everyone around me assumes i am happy.

I cant stop secret smoking, secret eating, drinking too much, watching porn and having inappropriate relationships that could potentially ruin my marriage and periodically damages decent friendships.

I constantly think i have cancer, or diabetes, or hiv - all of which could arise from my terrible behavior. I constantly search symptoms online and feel for lumps, swellings, etc. I have been suffering anxiety and nightsweats, bad sleep patterns etc on and off for months.

I hate all of my behavior and would be ashamed and embarrassed if anyone knew about it. I dont enjoy any of the behavior but cant seem to stop.

I havent thought about any of this in too much depth but as soon as I have put it down in black and white as per the above I feel like i am sub human and scum. I am not the person i portray to the world. I just dont know what to do.
 
C

Christobel

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 6, 2014
Messages
1,075
Location
South west
Welcome to the forum querty123. I'm afraid I do not have enough knowledge to help with your problem, but I'm sure someone will come along soon. What I can say is that you are not sub-human or scum. Far from it. You are just someone who is in great difficulty and who is reaching out for help.
 
Q

qwerty123

New member
Joined
Mar 25, 2015
Messages
2
hi thanks both for saying hello.

I dont know if this forum is going to be any help :( I have started obsessively checking it every 10 minutes to see if anyone can offer me any advice of who i can go to for help or how to take control of my life. Just another compulsion to add to the list! but unfortunately no helpful advice to date.

I feel like I am spiraling. I almost want to get caught out in my abhorrent behavior as it feels as this would be some kind of release... I know in reality this would open a world that i dont really want to go into and would hurt all around me...
 
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