Complex PTSD, complicated situation

S

Suprvixn

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Wisconsin
#1
I have cPTSD, was diagnosed about 5 years ago, and I am not on medication.

I don't want to get too lengthy or in detail, but years ago I tried to share CSA to my mother. I was in a really bad place, suicidal, addicted to alcohol, etc. She pretty much told me I was making it up and, typical of her, she never showed me any support or care. Never brought it up or asked questions, just an immediate dismissal as though I were a liar (told me I can't just "make stuff up"), and I again was left on my own to manage. This was a very crucial point in my life where I had courage and was broken enough to ask for help and immediately regretted it, I understood why I never said anything to anyone.

Fast forward from 5 years ago, I've since moved with my child to another state to be with a boyfriend. He and I broke up, now back together living separate. My mothers house was foreclosed upon back in my home state, and due to her poor physical health, I allowed her to stay with my kid and I until she could get her own senior living arrangement which I told her I'd help her with. She moved here last June. I never asked her to pay rent or anything, she offered to buy groceries as an offset which was fine.

I felt in my heart and knew somehow that my mother was sick and unable to take care of herself. I knew moving her here would facilitate a huge, dramatic shift in our roles, in power, etc. My mother has always been angry, mean, cold, manipulative, accusatory, abusive, stubborn, headstrong and paranoid. She had a rough upbringing, I understand it's just who she is. I felt tremendous guilt at the thought of leaving my mom by herself to figure out where to live, she's disabled, etc., and knew it would be difficult to live with her. At the same time I felt I was doing the right thing and had hope for a new chance at a possible relationship of some kind not only for her and I but for her and her grandchild.

So she got here last June. In November, my mother was transported from my apartment to the ER via ambulance for trouble breathing. She then was moved to ICU and was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given "maybe 11 months to live". After her hospitalization and brief rehab, she's back with me to live as long as she can until we need to look at Hospice care.

Ok so, I hesitate to call anyone a narcissist because of how trendy it's become to throw it out at anyone showing self-centered, inconsiderate behavior, but my mother is definitely on that scale, the high end, if not then she is definitely suffering from a disordered personality. I've forgiven her some pretty awful behavior. I've forgiven theft, abuse, character assassination, flirting with my ex husband, and her having some sort of emotional romantic rekindling with my sexual abuser AFTER I disclosed to her what had happened, she lied about it but the truth came out really innocently and she had no ability to play it off as something else. I had no suspicion of their rekindling as they had been not on talking terms for years, but it doesn't matter now since she's dying and I don't believe they are in contact presently. If they are, I'm unaware and I don't think I care anymore given how close we are to her death. I forgive her those things.

Anyway to my point. I had felt after she shrugged me off years ago when I told her about the CSA, that she had forgotten completely about it. Like, completely forgotten... I really thought she did because it was like that day never happened. She never once asked me about it, never showed concern for me in any way to be totally honest.

But now that my mother has realized that her life is coming to an end before the year is up, she's been trying to start a conversation about the CSA in very indirect ways, but it's very obvious what she's doing. I don't blame her for wanting to know, but I don't feel like it's any of her business anymore. I know how that sounds, but to me it feels like she had the time and opportunity years ago to have this discussion, to be supportive or caring to me in any way and she proved back then that she would not and could not do those things as my mother or anything else.

I really resent her attempts to start the conversation, but I hide it very well and pretend like I don't even hear what she's getting at. Its not to be petty, I just have ZERO interest in talking about it with her ever again. To me it feels very private now, and I want to deal with it on my own as I feel she cannot be helpful and honestly it's none of her business anymore. There's nothing I can imagine her doing or saying that will help me should I engage in conversation about it with her. She's never been very compassionate or warm, or motherly toward me. I've felt more like the mother between us two in those ways and that I've always tried to take care of her and honor her as my mother even though she couldn't honor me as her daughter.

I've suffered a tremendous amount with the CSA, cPTSD, and dealing with my mother's own mental health/personality issues for my entire life. I feel like a very broken person. I feel exhausted from cPTSD and I avoid my mother because I'm so annoyed with her toxicity and her attempts to talk about this. I feel guilty but I feel like I'm right about it and she can just talk to God about it herself soon enough. Am I wrong? How do I handle her attempts to bring this up? I don't want to have this painful conversation with her and I feel it should be respected. What do I do? I don't have any friends to talk to
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
1,396
Location
USA
#2
I felt a lot of pain for you reading your post.I'm sorry for everything you've been through and are going through.

No,you're not "wrong",it's not wrong to do(or not do) what you feel is best for you.

I just wrote a few more paragraphs and then deleted them.I decided to not add any of my story here.I will just say I do understand what you're going through and how torn you must be feeling over this.But I think you should do what's best for you at this time.

If she tries to talk about it you could just tell her you don't want to and leave it at that.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
452
Location
Minnesota, USA
#3
Hi and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry that you’ve been going through stressful times.

You are not wrong at all.

The easiest way for both you and your mother is to tell her that you don’t want to stress her out and you feel uncomfortable talking about it now.