Completely fed up

[its.a.tell.tale.heart]

I think I had a complete nervous breakdown yesterday. I burst into tears after having an argument with a family member and I just ended up screaming, actual psychotic screaming. I just kept shaking and screaming and I ended up in a heap on the kitchen floor, shaking and crying. I havent stopped crying since. I really want to hurt myself. I really want to kill myself. I want to go somewhere now.

I really need help right now. Ive thought about going to hospital but I cant help worrying about how that would affect my fragile mother. I have no one to talk to, nowhere to go. I feel so alone, so frightened about my obvious lack of options.

My whole life has fallen apart in the last week. All the hope and opportunity that I was gaining has gone. Ive got nothing left to do. I cant stop thinking about killing myself. I want to do it more than anything and ever before but I dont want to die, I just want to be dead. If it just happened, Id be happy. The only thing stopping me is that fact that it might not work, or it might not be fast. And maybe if i did do it, how it would leave every one else. I wouldnt want my death to cause a chain of horrid things to happen. But Im no use, i cause problems, the family who I live with are just fed up with my misery but I just cant bear to be alive anymore. Neither life nor death seem to be an option. I really, really do not know what to do.

 

[DELATEXT]

please go to the doctor as soon as possible you need professional help!!!
you are going through hell and only the doctors can help you get through this.
I am so saddened that you are being tormented but I have been through this as have others who use this forum, you are not alone and many others will be concerned about you.
Please reach out to your doctor!!!