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Completely disgusted...tired of my abusive family - RANT

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one-less

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I'm going to vent because I am so angry, frustrated and tired. To anyone's who's been manipulated and emotionally abused, I'm giving a heads up in case my post serves as a trigger.

I've gone through so, so, so so so so much at the hands of my abusive mother throughout the course of my entire life. I guess I'm lucky that I've come to learn now, while I'm still young, rather than later that the way she is to me is unhealthy and that I don't deserve it.

To make things worse she, of course, has involved whoever is around in her abusive tactics. Since she is an undiagnosed narcissist no one was aware for a very long time of the things she's done to hurt me.

Worst of all: for the past year and a half or more she directly involved my sister. Their personalities are so similar it's jarring. Just like my mother, my sister sees absolute 0 wrong with how she treats me. I'm older than her by a little over a year and for as long as I can remember she has never had any respect for me. She always thought she was entitled to get what she wanted not just from me but from anybody else because our mother always made sure my sister got what she wanted. Any one who meets my sister for the first time easily sees that she is spoiled, and she will throw you down to hell just for not giving her what she wants.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately...only time will tell...) for me I reached the point where I could no longer endure the abuse around the time my mother involved my sister. They got together many times and were very verbally and psychologically abusive to me for months on end. They think I completely deserve it.

At the time I barely spoke up to them at all. They verbally attacked me on many occasions for many weeks before I said anything back anywhere near the tone they took with me. They didn't care for what I did or did not want, was or was not comfortable with, they said and did whatever they wanted, and most importantly didn't care at all how I felt about what they did.

To protect myself I completely shut them out and this went on for months. Any little thing I did they talked down to me for, mocked me, and even made inside jokes together. Never once did I ever get an apology and I was never once approached with respect. I was always blamed for their behavior and always made to be the one with the problem. They still attack my character to this day even though they are aware I know they are wrong.

Thankfully I came to the point where I realized there was a lot wrong here and I reached out as much as I could to understand that they are abusive. Along the way I've come to also learn that in general people are very ignorant to what emotional abuse is. Just because you don't see a person with scars, bruising and stitching does not mean they are not being abused. I have been judged as being 'childish' just because I am an adult and 'can do whatever I want'. To anyone who believes that, I'd love to see them try dealing with this for just one week and see how they survive that. It takes a special kind of strength to go through this or even recognize that your power is being robbed from you and that you need to get away.

I originally wanted to make this post because I am so angry and hurt by a discussion I just had with my sister. I guess my situation is unique in that I've actually been trying to reconcile with her. Earlier was my third time going to her to try to get her to acknowledge that her behavior isn't right and that she is even more wrong for going to our mother and feeding her what I recently shared as my escape plan. Of course, she has never once acknowledged or apologized for her behavior and cowardly chooses to blame me and tell me that I like to blame everyone else ('everyone' as in her and two other family members) for my behavior. It amazes me that she thinks her antagonism wasn't going to warrant any reaction from me, that I don't deserve to speak up for myself when the next person is being a menace. She does not want to admit anything and obviously cannot wait for me to leave. I made it 100% clear to her that I am disgusted by her, people like her, and the fact that she is completely content with herself knowing that she likes doing nothing but taking and still calls herself an honest person.

I really hope that when I am gone she nor anyone else that her and my mother have prompted to hurt me try to contact me when I leave. To think I ever thought she deserved a chance or any respect simply because she is my sister. I've learned so much, including that just because someone is related to you it does not mean they are good for you. She wants to be glad that I will cut her off then I am fine knowing that I will be 100% happier finally cutting off the deadweights. I don't need to keep anyone in my life who enjoys keeping me down.
 
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Haley

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Good for you, realizing that it's your life and you can choose who is going to be in it with you. I'm so sorry you have had to put up with mental/emotional abuse for so long. Here's a little story for you about non physicall abuse. When I was a small child my mother threw a birthday party for my sister. We were born on the same day seven years apart. She's older. So there's this big set of tables shoved together and covered in white paper table cloths. There's matching paper plates and cups and it's all so lovely. I got excited over the sight of it. And my sister was at the far end of the table with lots of other children. My mother came over to me and squeezed my arm too tight. She said, "This party is NOT for YOU". But it was my birthday too.

Over the years she managed to ignore all my birthdays. So I understand when you say that you are not being treated right.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Your absolutely doing the right thing. I'm sooo sorry to read about what your going through and have gone through. Your strong for not being like them. Your strong for cutting your ties and refusing to be treated poorly. I hope one day you can look back on all this and be content that you made the right decision.

By the way, you have this forum as a support network for you. Your not alone.
 
Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

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People like this in your life, you can do without.

Well done on finding the strength to give them the bum's rush :)
 
O

one-less

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I received the notes that you all posted but wasn't ready at the time to respond...

Good for you, realizing that it's your life and you can choose who is going to be in it with you. I'm so sorry you have had to put up with mental/emotional abuse for so long. Here's a little story for you about non physicall abuse. When I was a small child my mother threw a birthday party for my sister. We were born on the same day seven years apart. She's older. So there's this big set of tables shoved together and covered in white paper table cloths. There's matching paper plates and cups and it's all so lovely. I got excited over the sight of it. And my sister was at the far end of the table with lots of other children. My mother came over to me and squeezed my arm too tight. She said, "This party is NOT for YOU". But it was my birthday too.

Over the years she managed to ignore all my birthdays. So I understand when you say that you are not being treated right.
Sending you sympathy as I know how rotten that felt. Thank you for the affirmations and your strength for sharing. I have countless similar things I could tell you, as I'm sure you have many more similar experiences like this. Really appreciate your telling me you understand, as I have no one here to tell this to and I know you'r aware of how hard this is. :hug:

Your absolutely doing the right thing. I'm sooo sorry to read about what your going through and have gone through. Your strong for not being like them. Your strong for cutting your ties and refusing to be treated poorly. I hope one day you can look back on all this and be content that you made the right decision.

By the way, you have this forum as a support network for you. Your not alone.
Thank you Anime, I really needed to know that and I hope so too. Unfortunately I still haven't been able to leave here yet; have been hoping to be gone by today and it just couldn't happen so I'm readjusting my plans. Glad to be a part of this forum as I see all the wonderful support here. I doubt myself at times about cutting them off because I always wished they were better people, but I know what needs to be done and will go through with it when it is time.

People like this in your life, you can do without.

Well done on finding the strength to give them the bum's rush :)
Hasn't happened yet, will do when the time is right. Thanks! :)

Nikita said:
Hi one-less,
My sister abused me for years,verbally,emotionally and psychologically,she tried to drive me to suicide,actively engineered things to bring about my death.She pretended to love me to keep my trust but the abuse spoke louder than her words and I was almost at death's door and always too ill to cope alone.then I saw she was a narcissist who wanted to use me and take everything I had and make sure I literally died.I cut her out of my life and didn't look back and cos i think she is mum's favorite and mum always backs her up and mum was controlling too, I only speak to mum on the phone now,I stopped visiting her cos my sister is usually there.I have posted elsewhere on the forum about it.It is six months now since I cut her out of my life completely and i am better and happy to be free in my own space and not to be hurt emotionally or physically anymore or told what to do or to be her punchbag.Good for you,you won't regret shutting your mum and sister out of your life or look back.If I ever have enough money I will try and heal the wounds and bad memories by paying for counseling to get it all right behind me.Good for you for standing up for yourself!Love and hugs.Nikitax
Nikita, I think I know what thread you're referring to as you made a similar post around the time you made this one and I was on that thread also. I'm horrified to know some of what you've been through but still understand. I unfortunately still live with them and my mother likes to be the main person who cooks. She purposely puts things in the food to make me sick and keep me unhealthy despite my protests, and is constantly finding ways around my disapproval. I really do feel for you, as I only started taking better care of myself within the past couple months or so when I realized what she was doing. It's so great you're doing better now! I hope and know that I will reach that point too, and will remember what you've said. I'm sure I won't regret getting rid of them either. My time will come.
 
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one-less

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Nikita said:
One-less:hug:hold on sister, your time will come and you will be free too,I know you are angry right now and that anger feels like it will go on forever but the day you are free from them that anger will turn to deep and life affirming peace and satisfaction, you can be free and be yourself and put your needs first and no more be a target for their hate.You will be a priority in your own life ,that is such a sweet position to be in.
Bless you and God's speed to you and here is to your safety and well being.Nikitaxxx
Thanks so much Nikita as all I can do is keep on hoping and doing for now until I get there. :hug: What an amazing day it will be...
 
F

Fruitloop

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You've just described my dad and my brother :LOL:
If you don't say how high when they say jump they'll put you down, continuously make sly digs at you, badmouth you to everyone, play innocent like they've done nothing wrong when you try to reason with them like adults. Like a broken record, same **** over and over again. I know how you feel, sucks don't it. Don't let them get to you. You cant reason with narcissists. They're gods gift and you're the one causing problems.

On a positive note, if you can endure all what you've been through and still be here to tell the story just think how mentally strong you really are. Slightly fractured but in no means broken. Its like fracturing a bone, sure there's no instant fix and things may take time, but when you do heal you'll be stronger for it. Contrary to what society says and the labels we've all been given. :hug1:
 
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one-less

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You've just described my dad and my brother :LOL:
If you don't say how high when they say jump they'll put you down, continuously make sly digs at you, badmouth you to everyone, play innocent like they've done nothing wrong when you try to reason with them like adults. Like a broken record, same **** over and over again. I know how you feel, sucks don't it. Don't let them get to you. You cant reason with narcissists. They're gods gift and you're the one causing problems.

On a positive note, if you can endure all what you've been through and still be here to tell the story just think how mentally strong you really are. Slightly fractured but in no means broken. Its like fracturing a bone, sure there's no instant fix and things may take time, but when you do heal you'll be stronger for it. Contrary to what society says and the labels we've all been given. :hug1:
Wow this post is perfect. Everything, everything, perfect. Exactly the truth.

I'll keep coming back to this thread to remember everything here. I'm sure I'll need the reminder in the future during the rough times.

Thanks everybody!!
 
katya

katya

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Just wanted to say I think you're absolutely doing the right thing! You must put yourself first; it must be frustrating that they can't see what they're doing to you, but you know, and anyone else in their might mind can tell, that this is abuse, and this is not what you need right now. Really glad to hear you're taking that step and saying, "No more, no fucking way."

:hug:
 
O

one-less

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Just wanted to say I think you're absolutely doing the right thing! You must put yourself first; it must be frustrating that they can't see what they're doing to you, but you know, and anyone else in their might mind can tell, that this is abuse, and this is not what you need right now. Really glad to hear you're taking that step and saying, "No more, no fucking way."

:hug:
Right, exactly. I've even directly told them that - and they use my depression as an excuse to continue and bluntly call me crazy for calling them out. I'm just done and am more than grateful I found out now rather than later on only to look back on my life and wish I spoke up for myself. No more.
 
In the Clouds

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I feel like I've gone mad with the hugs on this thread :hug1:
You really are strong for realising and doing this, and I really admire you speaking up to your sister and trying to sort this out. But seriously, it will get better eventually and you will be out of it. It's easy to forget and doubt, but you'll be free one day. That thought got me through, I believed it and it happened. :)
Don't believe what they tell you when they put you down, stay true to yourself, they are not worth it and your opinions are more important to you than their abuse is, and always will be. :hug1:
 
O

one-less

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I feel like I've gone mad with the hugs on this thread :hug1:
You really are strong for realising and doing this, and I really admire you speaking up to your sister and trying to sort this out. But seriously, it will get better eventually and you will be out of it. It's easy to forget and doubt, but you'll be free one day. That thought got me through, I believed it and it happened. :)
Don't believe what they tell you when they put you down, stay true to yourself, they are not worth it and your opinions are more important to you than their abuse is, and always will be. :hug1:
Thank you so much. Some days it's really hard to remember that but I keep finding ways to remind myself that it's worth it. I've been doing a lot better for the past few weeks and am always looking for ways to advocate for myself. I have a nice list of resources I've used and plan to later. The only thing keeping me going is remembering that is what I'm working for and that I've done so much so far. There really is good things in store for me.
 
katya

katya

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Right, exactly. I've even directly told them that - and they use my depression as an excuse to continue and bluntly call me crazy for calling them out. I'm just done and am more than grateful I found out now rather than later on only to look back on my life and wish I spoke up for myself. No more.
That's the thing about abusive people; they abuse you, then blame you for reacting to it. "You're crazy; it must be YOUR fault." It's a way of offloading responsibility and they'll choose anything that's an easy scapegoat. They're particularly drawn to your mental health because it makes them look less 'crazy' in comparison, when really, deep down, they know they're fucking batshit crazy or must be to be behaving in that way.

I had abusive housemates who pulled the exact same shit.
 
O

one-less

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That's the thing about abusive people; they abuse you, then blame you for reacting to it. "You're crazy; it must be YOUR fault." It's a way of offloading responsibility and they'll choose anything that's an easy scapegoat. They're particularly drawn to your mental health because it makes them look less 'crazy' in comparison, when really, deep down, they know they're fucking batshit crazy or must be to be behaving in that way.

I had abusive housemates who pulled the exact same shit.
jruth, I hear you...

You want to know the irony?

...

My mother has a sister who has been suffering almost her whole life with debilitating depression as she went through some major childhood traumas, including sexual abuse, and has had a very hard adult life. She just turned fifty in the summer, and when she confronted their father about it guess what his reaction was? - this dirtbag had the NERVE to look her dead in the face and PROUDLY tell her HE KNEW!...I was SO disgusted as the one who did this to her is his own BROTHER...I've only made an effort to see him ONCE since then and hope NOT to see him again either...That's right, he's a narcissist too, but I'll save everyone here that story...

Not once have I ever heard her treat my aunt the way she has been with me, and I've never heard my aunt say my mother mistreated her.

However it doesn't surprise me that most family members cut her off every once in a while because of her poisonous behavior, even her 'friends'...

It's amazing to me how people like her get by. And jruth, what you've said is exactly what I've come to figure out months ago. If these two can wake up every day, call themselves my sister and my mother, say they care about me - but only do things to serve their interests, actively IGNORE my voice and not give a flying rats ass about how badly I'm suffering because of them then no, they are NO family of mine. And I have made absolute ZERO effort to hide that fact either, even told them this to their face a number of times when they still proceed to go too far and refuse to stop loving the smell of their own shit:

I'm fully prepared, as I said earlier in the thread, to cut them out ENTIRELY once I'm safe. I don't care how hard my mother tries to fight me out of desperation, you better believe I won't stop living my life because of them. As I also said before, I'm thankful I've learned so much while I still have so much time ahead of me. I really can rebuild myself and start over, better, again.

My life is my life is my life, NOT any one else's...

jruth, I'm wondering how did you deal with the roommates while you stayed with them? I'm sure however long you had, you didn't entirely have readily attractive options.
 
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katya

katya

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jruth, I hear you...

You want to know the irony?

...

My mother has a sister who has been suffering almost her whole life with debilitating depression as she went through some major childhood traumas, including sexual abuse, and has had a very hard adult life. She just turned fifty in the summer, and when she confronted their father about it guess what his reaction was? - this dirtbag had the NERVE to look her dead in the face and PROUDLY tell her HE KNEW!...I was SO disgusted as the one who did this to her is his own BROTHER...I've only made an effort to see him ONCE since then and hope NOT to see him again either...That's right, he's a narcissist too, but I'll save everyone here that story...

Not once have I ever heard her treat my aunt the way she has been with me, and I've never heard my aunt say my mother mistreated her.

However it doesn't surprise me that most family members cut her off every once in a while because of her poisonous behavior, even her 'friends'...

It's amazing to me how people like her get by. And jruth, what you've said is exactly what I've come to figure out months ago. If these two can wake up every day, call themselves my sister and my mother, say they care about me - but only do things to serve their interests, actively IGNORE my voice and not give a flying rats ass about how badly I'm suffering because of them then no, they are NO family of mine. And I have made absolute ZERO effort to hide that fact either, even told them this to their face a number of times when they still proceed to go too far and refuse to stop loving the smell of their own shit:

I'm fully prepared, as I said earlier in the thread, to cut them out ENTIRELY once I'm safe. I don't care how hard my mother tries to fight me out of desperation, you better believe I won't stop living my life because of them. As I also said before, I'm thankful I've learned so much while I still have so much time ahead of me. I really can rebuild myself and start over, better, again.

My life is my life is my life, NOT any one else's...

jruth, I'm wondering how did you deal with the roommates while you stayed with them? I'm sure however long you had, you didn't entirely have readily attractive options.
Oh absolutely! I know you can't choose who you're related to, but in many ways, you can choose who is your 'family' - because that status has to be earned in many ways. It must come from a place of unconditional love, and someone who's abusing you in that way isn't showing you the unconditional love you deserve. I know it's a bit of a paradox because you could argue that you should love them unconditionally, even if they are abusive - but that's the kind of thinking which makes people really, really unhappy and makes them stay in a situation which, as you say, is completely poisonous to them. I think you're doing exactly the right thing and I hope you're safe as soon as possible.

With regards to my housemates, I grew up in an abusive environment as well, so, sadly, I'm very good at keeping a sense of normality and civility with people who are completely shitty to me - everyone says I always see the best in people, and that's a really good quality, but I see that as something that's stemmed with having to put up of years of mistreatment really. Although I do see good in good people, so that definitely is a positive thing. I tried to keep conversations to a minimum, try to be out of the house as much as possible and try to be as positive as possible when I could be - but you can't keep that shit up for very long, as evidenced by the fact that I completely lost my shit and had to move out.
 
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