Coercive control by mother and father

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happyhello

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I need help, I am being abused. My parents try to control every aspect of my life. In addition to controlling external parties, such as the maid, the gardener, and some of the neighbour's property (parking in their lots, leaving things around), they are also causing domestic violence disputes in the house. The neighbour's hear my mother and I argue every morning, very loudly, with screaming and shouting. My mother always leaves the house slamming the door on me. Even though, I tell her I love her. She still has to have the last word. I am afraid they are trying to control every aspect of my life. From what I eat, to what I wear, to when I drive my care (putting gas in it), to how i work. I even feel like they are watching me in the shower and when I get dressed.

Just last weekend, they left me and my son alone. I did not have any money, so I asked them to leave us some money, so we would not be stuck in a compromising situation over the weekend. (my son is 5). I also did not have any gas in my car. So, we stayed home, but used the money to buy take-out on Saturday night. When they came home on Sunday, the gardener was in the yard, and they asked me where the money was so they could use it pay the gardener. They think I owe them something. I told them no, I would not be giving them the money back (couldn't anyway because I spent it) And they got mad. They have plenty of money to pay the gardener. This is just an example of the abuse.

They also use name calling at me and to each other in front of me and my son. They bicker and degrade the household in order to try to gain more power and control. They make me see a therapist every week even though I told them I don't want to. I am 34 years old and I can make this choice for myself. I asked them if they could use the money as an allowance for me instead of the therapist, so I could buy myself new shoes, or pay medical bills, or anything else I need. Put my own gas in the car, for example, or be able to gain responsibility with paying my own cell phone bill or something. They told me no, so there is no trust building or freedom in my life.

When I try to do something productive, they find a way to use it to their own benefit, or turn it around to capitalize off of it. It's all about power and control. They lack confidence, so they have to gain confidence by forcing me to do what they want. I wish they would view me as an adult and not a child. I wish they would let me do whatever I wanted. And I also wish they respected me. I asked them if I could wake up at 5:00 am, like they do. But I have to stay in bed and wait for them to shower and get up and make breakfast. And then I have to drag me and my son out of bed, make his lunch for school, and then my father takes him to school because they chose a school that is far away. I want to go the gym very early. So, I asked my mother if I could, and she said she would ask my father. This is where the cycle goes around again. And the "treating me like a child" comes out. I don't have respect for someone who treats me like that. I am not 12, and she does not have to "ask my father" for permission for me to do things.

I am going to be 35 years old this year! And now, my father and her will use this to gang up on me, or to have power over me. And the power struggle starts all over again. They are very negative towards me. And my father said "Fuck you" to me out loud. And I am afraid they might be trying to hurt me. They want to take my son away. It's makes me very angry. My mother accuses me of not remembering anything, she is projecting her fears of getting Alzheimer's disease on me. I remember everything! We have a major situation here. And I need help. We live in Central America.
 
B

Bunny7

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Is there anywhere else you could live? A brother’s or sister’s or friend’s maybe. Just somewhere you can be for a short while and get yourself organised to have your own place and independence. There might be some charities that could help but I’m in a different country so don’t know what’s available for you. It just sounds like you need to strike out on your own.
 
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happyhello

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Well my son has already stared school and I don't want to leave him. I have some family members who live in the US, but not really any close friends or family here. I am trying to get out on my own.
 
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happyhello

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My mother and father help me a lot with the school and other things. But they don't need to help me with every aspect of my life.
 
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angels egg

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I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I agree with @Bunny7. If there are any family members who are able to help, reach out to them. Have you told the therapist about all of this?
 
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happyhello

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Yes, my brother and sister are aware of the situation. My brother lives in Central America also, and my sister lives in the US. I almost want to tell the therapist to tell my parents, not be so hard on me. And to give me the allowance instead of using the money on her. What do you think?
 
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angels egg

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I think that would be a good idea. Maybe your parents will listen to someone else. If this doesn't work, I believe it would be best to get your brother or sister to help out somehow. Do your parents treat them the same way?
 
daffy

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It sounds as if your really lacking in self confidence and could maybe do with some assertiveness classes. Apart from taking your son to school does the father help you out in other ways. Could he not intervene on your behalf.
You don’t say why your seeing a therapist , or if your on any medications that could maybe give your parents cause for concern.
 
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happyhello

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I think that would be a good idea. Maybe your parents will listen to someone else. If this doesn't work, I believe it would be best to get your brother or sister to help out somehow. Do your parents treat them the same way?
No, they do not treat them the same way, and they seemingly have a great relationship. I am going to ask the therapist what she thinks.
 
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Helena1

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I thought you had a job, don't you make your own money from that?

How do they control you? Do they threaten to chuck you out or something?
 
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happyhello

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It sounds as if your really lacking in self confidence and could maybe do with some assertiveness classes. Apart from taking your son to school does the father help you out in other ways. Could he not intervene on your behalf.
You don’t say why your seeing a therapist , or if your on any medications that could maybe give your parents cause for concern.
The father is not here.

How can I be more assertive?
 
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happyhello

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I have a job, but I work independently, so the salary fluctuates. I need a steady job.

Yes, I feel that they are attacking me.
 
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Helena1

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How do you feel they are attacking you?
 
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happyhello

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Like attacking me, tell me to get out.
 
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happyhello

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But, still try to control me at the same time.
 
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Helena1

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Do you think they would actually chuck you out, especially with their grandchild? my dad is always threatening to chuck me out, I have realised he is not serious and is just an in the heat of the moment thing so ignore it nowadays.
 
Mayflower7

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Hi,
Please see your dr urgently, you sound paranoid ( from the watching me in the shower)
It is possible to get better, many people improve.
When your ill lots of arguments can start.
Please tell your dr what you've told us.
Hope you feel better very soon
Take care
 
H

happyhello

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Do you think they would actually chuck you out, especially with their grandchild? my dad is always threatening to chuck me out, I have realised he is not serious and is just an in the heat of the moment thing so ignore it nowadays.
yeah, I don't think so. you're actually right! LOL
 
H

happyhello

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Hi,
Please see your dr urgently, you sound paranoid ( from the watching me in the shower)
It is possible to get better, many people improve.
When your ill lots of arguments can start.
Please tell your dr what you've told us.
Hope you feel better very soon
Take care
Thank you!! So kind....
 
midnightphoenix

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It sounds like the only person who you can trust to help you is the therapist, maybe talk to the therapist and get the ball rolling to get away from your parents? :hug:
 

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