Close to relapsing

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Poppyflower

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 16, 2014
Messages
76
#1
A couple of years ago my eating disorder was really bad. Since I met my partner I have been much happier and more stable, and my eating has improved. I got to a weight which I felt okay about. I still had thoughts about being too big but as long as I did not go above this weight I was okay. However, recently my clothes have been feeling tight and I decided to weigh myself, which I haven't done for ages. My weight has gone above what is acceptable to me and I feel so distressed and panicky about it. I don't know what to do. Whenever I express my anxieties about being fat to my partner he just says 'you're not fat' but I don't believe him. I've started restricting my food a little bit again. Not as much as before, but I feel the need to do it. And I'm trying to exercise more. I feel so stuck and scared because I don't want my eating disorder to get out of control again but I also don't want to be this weight. This is just on my mind constantly at the moment and it's making me want to die.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
342
Location
California, US
#2
Hi, I hope today is a little bit better and that you're surfing the emotional wave.

What do you think triggered this episode? Was it the clothing, the number on the scale or something else?

I use distraction a lot to cope with difficult emotions and the intrusive thoughts that they generate, what do you use?
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
124
Location
USA
#3
I understand and I think the disorder can sort of lurk even if it's not active. So my concern for you is that even if you start to restrict, it can become out of control.How about this? Put yourself on a structured meal plan so you don't slide back. That's what I did. I felt like if I didn't, I could get sucked in again and for me, the eating disorder was far worse than weight gain. Everyone still loves me no matter what I look like because they don't love me for what I look like. But if I slip back into the disorder I can't love them back (because all my energy goes into the obsession).
 
A

agse01

Active member
Joined
Dec 29, 2017
Messages
28
#4
I know and understand how scary that number on the scale can be. I also know that no matter how often or how many times our loved ones tell us we aren't fat, it's hard to believe them because we see it differently! I was stuck in that same thinking for a very long time! It can be a very destructive and lonely place to be. I want you to know that you are so much more then a number on a scale or the size of your jeans! You have value because of who you are and what you have to offer the world! The culture is often so adament that to be worthwhile you have to look a certain way or you are nothing, no one can ever love you, etc. These are all lies that we allow ourselves to believe, but they simply are not true. Allowing those lies to control us will only take us down a darker road and we will become more dissatisfied with ourselves. In essence, as long as we believe the voices in our head, we will never be good enough. I know i's not easy, but listen to the voices of those that love you (Ie: your partner) He has your best interest at heart. He's most likely not going to lie to you. Don't take the world's view of beauty over his or those close to you! Let his words penetrate your mind and start believing his voice or any other voice that speaks positivity about you. You have a choice what you dwell on and believe. It is so hard to change the way we think, but when we can make that transition and stop believing the lies, healing can begin. It sounds like you have been struggling with this for awhile. Have you seen a therapist? Do you have a support system? Both are so needed in this situation. I would highly recommend seeking out both. As I said, I completely understand where you are and how you are feeling. I have spent many years there. However, I also know that you don't have to live in the place of self hate forever. I hope you can learn to love yourself someday and see your true value! Wishing you the best!