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Churning inside

T

Twokiwisandabanana

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 23, 2016
Messages
811
Can't sleep tonight not with christmas coming up.
Any time I think bout my father I feel fear sadness and pity.
He is alcoholic with narcissitic personality disorder he neglected and abused his 3 daughters me the Middle.
I got hit more because I got angry more.
Anyway I went to a pre Christmas party my father was there it was everyine hugging kissing having fun and him just sitting there.
He lives alone and is 72 so I never know how lonely or depressed he is he would never say he was even if it where true.
I invited him over every week and he soon said that he didn't want to,do,it what about next month very clear to me he didn't want to come round.
What has been the poimt in his life?
To be miserable? To be lonely it's SO SAD.
why did he have to be SO CONTROLLING
Why couldn't he see that little things didn't matter as much as the human bond.
I FEEL GUILTY he's my dad Nd I feel guilty i feel guilty for other people's feelings too.
Some friends. Another woman I know has a narcissitic mum and she goes no contact.
He snaps at me now like he used to when I was a kid. I m slowly learning to put boundries in place but I am actually physically terrified of this man.
The historic violence is enough to make me always on guard.
Thismis most. Confusing. Relationship ive ever had in my life.
It's like we are for him he's never been a dad to us we re little extension of him and we should just listen to him.when I interupt he snaps at me. But it not me interrupting its me getting a word in AT ALL.
It's like he secretly hates me that's how I feel. It's not just like this for me but my younger sister has GAD and ant function well becUse she's always afraid.
My older sister has traits similar to my dad lying stealing manipulating but she is aware and is working in it unlike my dad.
I am SO SICK of feeling like I'm doing something wrong whatever I do it will never be good enough.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Twokiwisandabanana, the way you feel about your father is a lot like the way I use to feel about my mother and sister. Very bossy people. Not good listeners. Not compassionate. My mother didn't even like me. But I found out it was because her step father was cruel to her. So she got programmed in a negative way. Just another fallible human being. Now she's old and sorry. Maybe one day your father will be sorry too. But meanwhile, we have to ignore fallible humans who are negatively programmed. He is not a reason to feel guilty or at fault. You did not program him. His parent programmed him. Separate yourself. It is sad and it is okay to feel the situation he's in but don't drown in the feelings. Notice him and MOVE ON. You are not doing anything wrong except letting it continue to hurt you. Breathe. You are FREE.
 
T

Twokiwisandabanana

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 23, 2016
Messages
811
I'm over it now it was something I had to process.....
I AM FREE your right and I can chose what is good for me and what isn't.
Ty for,your kimd reply it has really helped me:D
 
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