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Christmas, guilt, emptiness. Extremely sad.

fightoffyour

fightoffyour

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2015
Messages
12
Hey there,

I apologise for putting this on people ok Christmas Eve, but I’m feeling at such a low ebb and I don’t know where else to turn.

I can’t figure out if this is asking for reassurance for OCD or not but I think the fact I’m even questioning it suggests I know the answer.

I will try to keep this brief..I promise.

Sometimes bullet pointing makes things easier for me, and probably less painful to both type (and for you to read!).

Essentially:

Male
31
Diagnosed with OCD at 5
Diagnosed with BPD at 25
History of ROCD, extreme guilt worries, self-harm
Am in a long-term relationship

As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts on here, guilt and relationship struggles have been a lifetime problem for me. As has been ruining everything that is important to me: relationships, friendships, music, birthdays etc. Relationships and guilt has always been the mainstay though - avoiding eye contact with females, not talking to them etc etc for fear of falling in love. I build walls which are stressful and counter helpful to life and I have always tried to avoid this and ‘live in the moment’z

Over the past year, my girlfriend of 3 years and I have had quite a few issues, which thankfully we have made it through and we’re looking forward to Christmas and a new start.

Our relationship has often been turbulent, mainly due to me and my mental health struggles - but she has her own too (although is far more together than I). She lost her father to suicide when she was 17 which still cuts deep.

Throughout it all though, we have had mutual respect, an understanding of our issues and a willingness to accept the differences and we realise what we have is special and worth fighting for.

This summer we very nearly broke up, things were very rocky, she nearly moved out etc etc. When this happened, I let my ‘OCD walls’ around females down somewhat, because I felt “fuck it, we may be breaking up and I have enough stress anyway”. It was strangely liberating and I honestly thought we were going to break up, so all this other stuff didn’t seem worth it.

Now we are better, I suppose I am in a kind of diluted ‘half-way house’ between the two - almost I suppose a healthy state. I’m committed, I don’t cheat, but I don’t run away from females. I will talk to a pretty girl at work. A small part of me will enjoy it when they talk to me. I’ve heard this is normal. That’s all it is. I just let it happen.

A few months ago, I suffered a bit of a crisis where I thought I was developing a small crush on someone at work (I posted about it on here), and I let it pass. I didn’t act of course. I guess it worried me because it felt like an ‘actual’ occurrence rather than an OCD one. I suppose I didn’t have a minor crush, but almost entirely based on physical appearances and the fact I had had relationship issues at the time. I never engaged in conversations that I didn’t need to for work, or give any indication that I was single or interested. Perhaps some very minor flirting which was probably not even noticeable, even though it fucked with my own skewed internal moral compass.

There were a few other occasions with other females where I would normally have recoiled, but I just let it be. Outside of my head, nothing was inappropriate. But my thoughts were at times. Sometimes I would think “fuck it, she’s cute, she’s talking to me, that’s cool”. Move on.

Anyway. It brings us to Christmas. I love Christmas, I love my girlfriend and I can’t wait for us to spend it together. I can’t wait for her to open her presents and she is the same. It feels special this year - in a wholly real way - we know we are through the other side.

Now all I can think about is how it isn’t real, how it is tainted by my actions this year. I can’t even pinpoint exactly what I feel guilty about anymore. Only that it doesn’t feel right and I don’t deserve to be happy with her and that I’m being unfaithful to her.

What is 100% true is that:

1 - I have never cheated
2 - I have never even come close
3 - I have never meaningfully flirted or given the impression I am interested
4 - I don’t lie and I am loyal

I have however:

1 - Had doubts
2 - Felt I had a crush for a few weeks and perhaps even a part of me enjoyed it, although I still loved my girlfriend, didn’t pursue the crush at all and it has now passed
3 - Thought about being with others at times
4 - Relaxed my moral compass somewhat since we nearly split up
5 - Got this feeling that something isn’t ok

This means I feel:

1 - Christmas is ruined
2 - Our happiness is fake and based on a lie
3 - That I must confess or do something to ruin Christmas
4 - So deeply unhappy, and low and lost

That’s essentially it. Not a question. Not even some moral or intellectual revolutionary moment.

It’s nearly Christmas. I feel like I’m scum. I feel like a bad boyfriend. I feel disloyal. I want to self harm (but I won’t because it’s been nearly 2 years). I just want to enjoy this time with my partner but it feels invalid. For the first time in a long time I feel like we’ll ‘make it’. But that it’s based on a lie. I don’t even know what I’m wanting to confess anymore. Just millions of thoughts, worries, minor actions which have added up and coming to the surface the day before my favourite day of the year. Perhaps I deserve it.

I’m sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading if you have. I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any thoughts - even if it is “yes, you’re an asshole, deal with it”, please feel free to tell me.

I do genuinely wish all of you a happy Christmas period and I hope you can enjoy it with yourselves or your loved ones.

Thank you
x
 
M

MKittenx

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2019
Messages
50
Location
UK
i dont think your a asshole i read semi of your post because im wee tipsy but having feelings for someone as a crush dont make u a bad person were human we all have crushes! please dont self harm enjoy ur time with ur partner enjoy xmas
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
5,460
Location
UK
You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You'll interact with hundreds of people in your lifetime - some will be fascinating, attractive, simpatico, alluring, exciting, adorable or just good old fashioned sexy....and thank God for that!

Being loyal in a relationship doesn't mean trying to emotionally castrate yourself so you have no connections with other people. Your relationship would die quickly if you only had your girlfriend to incite thoughts and emotions.

You ARE a loyal person with an unblemished record - there is nothing to berate yourself for or feel guilty about.

Enjoy Christmas with a clear conscience - you're torturing yourself.

Lots of love to you and yours xxx
 
fazza

fazza

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2014
Messages
2,194
Location
U.K
You have done nothing wrong at all. You are a normal human. Enjoy your relationship enjoy Christmas and take everyday as a new page in your book of a very normal life.

Merry christmas
 
fightoffyour

fightoffyour

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2015
Messages
12
Thank you all so much x
 
fightoffyour

fightoffyour

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2015
Messages
12
Just to add, that should have read * “I suppose I did have a minor crush”
 
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