Choo choo!

A

Adrian Thought Stream

New member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
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3
#1
Here comes the train!
That's basically me, every single morning. Now I am (probably) not bipolar, or at least never diagnosed. I did some research and it's in a lot of ways not the same as what I am experiencing, yet in a lot of ways it is. I'm here to gather some knowledge and advice on how others handle their own situations, and also am curious to what others think is different to my situation in contrast to being bipolar.

So back to the train. I cope with ADD, and my best way of describing the, to me, most important part of that: I wake up, a train of thoughts starts rolling. It doesn't stop, ever, as long as I am awake.
Now what this means, is I am constantly busy guiding this train in the right direction, whenever my available consciousness takes over. This consciousness seems to be triggered by emotions, whenever I feel something about something I get focussed.

I don't control everything, I just get pushed in a direction, good or bad, and I'll have to deal with it. Dealing with it takes a lot of energy, and when too many "possible negative sidetracks" come into play, I get lost and I fall into a deep pit. I can fall from a (very) positive state, into an extremely depressed state in a matter of seconds. A very recent example: I was having a great day, did nice things with nice people, worked on things I want to work on and all in all this day was great. Then in the evening I was sitting with friends and had a nice conversation about random things, when suddenly one of my friends said something about a nice tinder date. This was my trigger: I've been single for a long time, which sometimes is a big deal to me, and other times it isn't. But tonight fate has decided it's the biggest deal in the history of human kind, and my whole day was done. I had to leave instantly not to break into tears immediately. This time it was ever bad enough to keep me down for two whole days. I couldn't stop the train from constantly sidetracking to anything related to relationships and it kept me down bad, no energy to push it in a positive direction.

Then some days later, a friend said something funny that triggered the positive route, and that was my escape out of this whole thing. I felt I had to energy to grab onto this positivity, and I've been feeling great again for several days.

So that is one scenario of the things that can happen. This time it was pretty extreme and it happened over the span of several days, but this can also happen within an hour. I feel good, someone says something about, I don't know, soccer? My brain for whatever reason quickly makes connections to a moment I was close to a soccer field (yes it can be this far fetched), when I wasn't feeling well because I had a fight with a friend. This happened years ago and is not relevant to me in any way, but the feeling is negative and off into the abyss the train goes! Caught off guard, not able to recover on my own. Then I have to search for positivity somewhere close to me, and someone can do the same the other way around, by just saying something about candy (or whatever) and maybe it'll trigger the positivity route, who knows! My brain seems very good at making random connections, some even say I might be fairly intelligent!

So my question, is there anyone out there who can relate to this extreme quick fluctuation in feelings and thoughts, and knows a way to deal with it? It affects my energy, my concentration, my social abilities, and most of all my self confidence. I need a way to counter the way down, but I'm clueless. There was a time where I could simply steer the train, I felt so strong in my mind for that period, but it seems gone and I am clueless to what to do.
And also, not for diagnostics or whatever, I am just curious, how does this resemble bipolarity and how does it not?

Thanks if you made it all the way down here!
 
Last edited:
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
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Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
Hi there. The train of thought does just keep rolling along. The nature of the mind is like fire; a very good servant, but a very bad master.

Someone might say to you that you sound like a rapid cycling bipolar.

You have the opportunity to learn how to stay centered and not run off with every association.
 

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