Choices

[Paradoxeverywhere]

Sorry that i have been gone. Death in the family. Nothing like a sudden reminder of the possibility of a brain tumor to wake one up. But anyway to the topic.

In the same day i recieved two offers. Two people asked me to each be their roommate when they get an apartment. The choice is obvious but i cannot help but find some humor in the choice. One, i have known for 12 years. She reminds me somewhat of what i was when i had little control over myself. Chaotic thoughts that jump every few sentences, ovely self defeating personality, paranoia beyond the manageable, the habit of randomly breaking away from reality and instead of taking her anti-psychotics she hawks them around. The only real difference between us is that my self destruction was half mental and half physical, i didnt focus purely on any topic that proved to shatter faith in humanity (not asmuch atleast) and im about 68 points higher on an i.q. test.

My other choice is a friend of 11 years that i could see myself wanting to be. Hard working, she is always willing to help people, always giving people chances. She was able to go beyond her issues with family, betrayals and the eternal scars that have been instilled into her by the people she loved and tusted the most. She is the only person whom i have never really doubted my trust for. Hell, she is the only person that i have ever told about my hallucinations and the only person i see in real life who knows about robert.

I know im going on and on about this but somehow this obvious choice makes me feel a bit more stable. The fact that i dont really see much of a choice kindof makes me think i can claim some better grasp on reality. And i know that living with someone who understands the things i do that terrify other people would help. She never freaked out when i woke up on her roof or tranced out and started talking to nothing. She can even manage to get me to laugh about it sometimes. And unlike everyone else including family when she says she wants to help, she actually tries instead of ignoring and backstabbing.

I guess this choice kindof shows that there is atleast one person i can truly trust. Someone whom i know isnt judging me and setting up something. Maybe there are a few other people out there who are the same as her. People worth getting over the anxiety for. It is going to be some time before ican get to that level but atleast i have found a goal. Maybe finding an outlet in her and this forum can help. I just hope i dont sink back into the pit as per usual.



Also, there is a topic that i cannot get out of my head. If you dont have insurance, your income is not enough for any medications and your blackout points are getting stronger. Is it ethical to obtain medications through illegitimate sources if that is the only way and you know what you need and what dose?

Is it okay to get what you need through unlean sources if any clean source turns you down? This system seems ridiculous. My employemnt is limited to things that cannot economically support things i need to help, but i need the control they help bring before i can acquire any career that would assist me in getting the things that help with control. It seems like theonly legitimate way to get help would be to go to a public park and slit my wrists, but years ago when that happened they didnt help so how exactly does one recieve the help they need?

I dont want my well being in the hands of someone who has no clue about it so i have yet to get these items in question but the only time i had access to them was when my high school was basically paying for them. And i graduated years ago.

This choice almost counters the first but im not going to let a good feeling go away that easily. For now ill ignore this cannabalistic system and focus on the one person in my neighborhood that seems to care and the people far away that want to help.

Thanks.

 

[Dollit]

I think, as you've already worked out, that it's a clear cut choice about where to live. That's good that you have a person you can trust absolutely. We all need someone like that.

I'm horrified at the system you have that means you can't get the medication you need safely. Here in the UK at least those of us on low incomes are guaranteed free medication. Can't help on this point and my instinct is to say no to getting medication by non legal means even if you know what you're supposed to be taking. May be one of the other US members (presuming you're US by the way you talk) has some ideas?

 

[singingdollydaydream]

Hi, not good at advice but just thought I`d say hi.

 

[Paradoxeverywhere]

I like your name singingdollydaydream.

I am from the us, but it seems like nobody cares about you unless you have alot of money.

Im not going to get them from unclean sources so there is not much i can do. Im half tempted to go to a doctors office and just start repeating whatever those little voices say for an entire day and see if he cant work something out.

Now she may not be moving here though since the guy she wants to go out with again is dating a very... unusual person. But there is still a good chance of our plan so it will hopefully work out.

Aim is sad.

 

[Dollit]

Keep posting and let us know how things go. I wish I knew more about your system - the health care system here is complicated enough.

 

[Paradoxeverywhere]

Its pretty simple here. You pay money to companies who promise to pay for medical issues. Lets say you get injured, now here is where it get complicated. They will find any reason to screw you out of it. Any little mix up in paperwork and they turn their backs to you. Any mistake made by any person involved will work. Hell, they refused me for medications that would help keep me just schizotypal right after spending 20 minutes telling me what would happen if i dont take them. Why? because my vision problem wasnt on my record. I know its not like this for everyone but they always seem to be looking for any reason to screw people over.

I dont want to be a pain to anyone but if anyone here has had experience with seeing and hearing things (treating or experiencing) i really need talk to someone privately about things that i cant post publically. I promise i wont bother anyone after that but right now i need to figure out what is happening to me. They just keep getting worse.

 

[Paradoxeverywhere]

I dont want to bother anyone so i can understand if this is a topic that people would rather not get into.

 

[Dollit]

You're not bothering anyone. The forum is here so we can talk about the things that bother us. We don't always understand each others problems but we will always try to help if we can.

 

[singingdollydaydream]

Hi, you sound so sad right now. I do not share your experience of voices but sadness, frustration, loneliness yes. Keep posting, I am sure there will be someone you can talk to. It is hard to be patient when things seem so desparate but by coming on this forum you are doing something which I am sure will have positive consequences for you in the long term.
I am new to the forum too. It is helping and it is comforting to know if I hit crisis I will have immediate help. I suffer with depression, spent all of saturday in bed but felt better yesterday and today ( so far! ).
Thinking of you

 

[Paradoxeverywhere]

Well, pretty much some wierd experiences have been happening but a very wonderful person here has been helping me with them.

I want to be able to trust people and want to believe that more then just a tenth of a percent of this species is trustworthy so here goes. Its been getting harder to tell whether the people i live with (and have worked hard to hide these things that have been happening from, a hard task indeed) are the real ones or if the creature standing infront of me talking about the fabric of reality is the real one, or if both or neither exist. But that comes and goes. It keeps switching. Its like my entire thought processing changes when they come, or if im alone, around people or family. Its almost like everyone i know carries a part of me. A part i can only access if they are around. Too many people in a room and i get overloaded. But when im alone (which is roughly 95% of the time) it is like im somehow an empty vessel but containing more then i can know. If you have not guessed yet, i chose the name i have for this site because amost everything i feel creates contradictions and paradoxes within themseves. Clarity through confusion. Switching between extremes. Sometimes i giggle and laugh for almost no reason then start debates with people on topics that they apparently cannot understand.

Also, in the introduction i tagged myself as K. It is short for Karl but thats not my name. Its what these literal crack heads i had to be around once kept calling me. So anytime they think im getting 'wierd' people address me as karl. It just kindof stuck from there. But i only have to deal with them about once a week so it doesnt really bother. It does seem funny though. They seem to think that they know better then i and express that via attempting to diminish myself by giving into a process defined by people who have lost themselves so much to a substance that any semblance of being within them resides only when they are furthest gone. Thought i would tell you guys about the karl thing so maybe a few of you could find the humor in the story of "karl".

Im doingalot better these last 17 hours. Its good to have someone notjudge you about everything. People who can understand the lonliness and sorrow that comes with some parts of life.

If anyone thinks i could help them with anything please message me. Some things i have no clue how to control but these past years have shown me how to start controling some other things. And if i dont know about what your going through it never hurts to have someone to talk to.

 

[Paradoxeverywhere]

Things may be getting better soon if the democrats win this election. Having someone who actually cares about people and isnt governed by blind faith in office could do us alot of good.

Behold the power of a nap.

Today is something of a better day. I know when the low hits it is going to be worse, but its worth it.