
Paradoxeverywhere
Well-known member
Founding Member
Sorry that i have been gone. Death in the family. Nothing like a sudden reminder of the possibility of a brain tumor to wake one up. But anyway to the topic.
In the same day i recieved two offers. Two people asked me to each be their roommate when they get an apartment. The choice is obvious but i cannot help but find some humor in the choice. One, i have known for 12 years. She reminds me somewhat of what i was when i had little control over myself. Chaotic thoughts that jump every few sentences, ovely self defeating personality, paranoia beyond the manageable, the habit of randomly breaking away from reality and instead of taking her anti-psychotics she hawks them around. The only real difference between us is that my self destruction was half mental and half physical, i didnt focus purely on any topic that proved to shatter faith in humanity (not asmuch atleast) and im about 68 points higher on an i.q. test.
My other choice is a friend of 11 years that i could see myself wanting to be. Hard working, she is always willing to help people, always giving people chances. She was able to go beyond her issues with family, betrayals and the eternal scars that have been instilled into her by the people she loved and tusted the most. She is the only person whom i have never really doubted my trust for. Hell, she is the only person that i have ever told about my hallucinations and the only person i see in real life who knows about robert.
I know im going on and on about this but somehow this obvious choice makes me feel a bit more stable. The fact that i dont really see much of a choice kindof makes me think i can claim some better grasp on reality. And i know that living with someone who understands the things i do that terrify other people would help. She never freaked out when i woke up on her roof or tranced out and started talking to nothing. She can even manage to get me to laugh about it sometimes. And unlike everyone else including family when she says she wants to help, she actually tries instead of ignoring and backstabbing.
I guess this choice kindof shows that there is atleast one person i can truly trust. Someone whom i know isnt judging me and setting up something. Maybe there are a few other people out there who are the same as her. People worth getting over the anxiety for. It is going to be some time before ican get to that level but atleast i have found a goal. Maybe finding an outlet in her and this forum can help. I just hope i dont sink back into the pit as per usual.
Also, there is a topic that i cannot get out of my head. If you dont have insurance, your income is not enough for any medications and your blackout points are getting stronger. Is it ethical to obtain medications through illegitimate sources if that is the only way and you know what you need and what dose?
Is it okay to get what you need through unlean sources if any clean source turns you down? This system seems ridiculous. My employemnt is limited to things that cannot economically support things i need to help, but i need the control they help bring before i can acquire any career that would assist me in getting the things that help with control. It seems like theonly legitimate way to get help would be to go to a public park and slit my wrists, but years ago when that happened they didnt help so how exactly does one recieve the help they need?
I dont want my well being in the hands of someone who has no clue about it so i have yet to get these items in question but the only time i had access to them was when my high school was basically paying for them. And i graduated years ago.
This choice almost counters the first but im not going to let a good feeling go away that easily. For now ill ignore this cannabalistic system and focus on the one person in my neighborhood that seems to care and the people far away that want to help.
Thanks.
In the same day i recieved two offers. Two people asked me to each be their roommate when they get an apartment. The choice is obvious but i cannot help but find some humor in the choice. One, i have known for 12 years. She reminds me somewhat of what i was when i had little control over myself. Chaotic thoughts that jump every few sentences, ovely self defeating personality, paranoia beyond the manageable, the habit of randomly breaking away from reality and instead of taking her anti-psychotics she hawks them around. The only real difference between us is that my self destruction was half mental and half physical, i didnt focus purely on any topic that proved to shatter faith in humanity (not asmuch atleast) and im about 68 points higher on an i.q. test.
My other choice is a friend of 11 years that i could see myself wanting to be. Hard working, she is always willing to help people, always giving people chances. She was able to go beyond her issues with family, betrayals and the eternal scars that have been instilled into her by the people she loved and tusted the most. She is the only person whom i have never really doubted my trust for. Hell, she is the only person that i have ever told about my hallucinations and the only person i see in real life who knows about robert.
I know im going on and on about this but somehow this obvious choice makes me feel a bit more stable. The fact that i dont really see much of a choice kindof makes me think i can claim some better grasp on reality. And i know that living with someone who understands the things i do that terrify other people would help. She never freaked out when i woke up on her roof or tranced out and started talking to nothing. She can even manage to get me to laugh about it sometimes. And unlike everyone else including family when she says she wants to help, she actually tries instead of ignoring and backstabbing.
I guess this choice kindof shows that there is atleast one person i can truly trust. Someone whom i know isnt judging me and setting up something. Maybe there are a few other people out there who are the same as her. People worth getting over the anxiety for. It is going to be some time before ican get to that level but atleast i have found a goal. Maybe finding an outlet in her and this forum can help. I just hope i dont sink back into the pit as per usual.
Also, there is a topic that i cannot get out of my head. If you dont have insurance, your income is not enough for any medications and your blackout points are getting stronger. Is it ethical to obtain medications through illegitimate sources if that is the only way and you know what you need and what dose?
Is it okay to get what you need through unlean sources if any clean source turns you down? This system seems ridiculous. My employemnt is limited to things that cannot economically support things i need to help, but i need the control they help bring before i can acquire any career that would assist me in getting the things that help with control. It seems like theonly legitimate way to get help would be to go to a public park and slit my wrists, but years ago when that happened they didnt help so how exactly does one recieve the help they need?
I dont want my well being in the hands of someone who has no clue about it so i have yet to get these items in question but the only time i had access to them was when my high school was basically paying for them. And i graduated years ago.
This choice almost counters the first but im not going to let a good feeling go away that easily. For now ill ignore this cannabalistic system and focus on the one person in my neighborhood that seems to care and the people far away that want to help.
Thanks.