Children?

[sweet insanity]

Any of you are parents?

I need some advice...I have a boy aged 6. He is very affected of my decease.
I don´t know what to do...Should I just call it quits and let my husband get sole custody because of all these highs and lows I have... At the time we decided to get pregnant I did not have a diagnose...Now I have one I would not have had a kid...I just don´t want it on my worst enemy...
But have do I go on from now...i feel so sorry for my husband and my little boy..

I wish I could take my self out of the equation...I mean maybe if I go now maybe he can get a normal childhood and he will be able to forget me...

--Stella--

 

[happyhappy]

Oh Stella, I felt so sad for you reading this. I have felt so desperate sometimes and told my therapist I was planning to leave my husband and kids cos they are better off without me, and also to be honest, in my depressed times, I could not summon up the energy to be a mother.
My children have been affected too. They are 10 and 5. When I was in hospital last year, my little un suddenly needed her bedroom door to be open at night and a light left on. She was screaming for me.
I have gone through times where I believed they don't love me and that has been so so so hard. I have been really self destructive in these times.
But I have to say. I am nowhere near completely stable but I thankfully realsie I need my kids and they need me. I started to enjoy them again and I definately do not want them taken away from me.
On saying that, my cousin is also BP and he has his children part time. He says it is cos of the split, but to honest, I don't think he could cope full time.

How long you had your diagnoses? What treatment you on? Are you receiving treatment? Do you have any family members who can help?
This does not have to be a life sentence hunny. You CAN get better and live a stable life. I know lots of people (through the net) who are parents. Not all with partners either, lots are single. I am not sure of your situation.

Happyhappy

 

[KP1]

Stella what ever happens you are his mum and if you love him he will understand that. Children understand more about illness than we think ansd I am sure he would rather know that sometimes you are ill and not able to care for him as well as you would like to. If you leave him he may not understand that.
I hope i have not stepped over the line saying that to you.
KP

 

[KP1]

sorry Stella I mean both your children.

 

[sweet insanity]

Thanks for your nice words...

I only have one kid...which I am glad about and sometimes I feel sad that my boy Nicholas, that he has no sibling to share this life with.
To answer your question HappyHappy, I had my diagnosis for two years back...So I´m not in complete acceptance of the decease that is I know it is the right diagnose after I have fought with it so long, but I have not gotten the tools to managing the decease...its trial and error...
My familie does not understand or accept the diagnose and to be honest I never in my wildest dream could imagine it...I was just the odd kid.
I´m getting treatment but the drugs are not helping me and I can feel myself spiraling down. I talk with a nurse every week so I´m doing what I can....
What about you do you have any advice how to get better when you are down and even worse high...

--Stella--

 

[happyhappy]

Stella,
I am the worst person in the world to be giving advice. I am in denial of my illness. I have in fact, today, written out a letter to my pdoc to try to persuade him I am not BP. I walked out on him last week because he wouldn't agree. I can empathise with you greatly and share what knowledge of the illness I have picked up on my journey. I do know that it very often takes a long time to get right combo of meds and whether or not, I am actually BP or not, I do know what depression feels like as I can't deny not having had that.

Depression tricks your mind. It tells you things that are not true, like you are a terrible mother, a terrible wife, a bad person etc etc.

Can I recommend a couple of books to you? A Brilliant Madness by Patty Duke. It takes you through her journey into being diagnosed and accepting BP. I found it very comforting (even though I am still fighting) and an unquiet mind by kay jamison. They helped me understand BP more and I gave them to my hubby to read.

Please believe that your feelings about your son being better off without you, are brought about by depression. Tell your nurse you feel your meds are not helping.

Take care

Happyhappy

 

[galwaygirl]

Children

I just wanted to say to you "sweet sanity", dont walk out of your little boy's life. He needs you and when he grows up he will know that you were there for him physcially even if you feel that you arent.
You dont say what your diagnosis is within the mental health illnesses, but whatever it is most people who suffer with mental health understand how difficult it is and how it can rob you of your life. But dont let it play a nasty trick on you and take the relationship you have with your son.
I hope you will get well soon.
Dont give in to it.

 

[Ashami]

Hello Stella

I have a four year old boy and he also is an only child. One of my constant fears is that I will 'ruin' him because of my illness and this, for me, is the driving force that keeps me travelling down the road toward recovery.

There are times when I believe that he would be better off without me but I know in my heart it's not true. The desire to be a good, loving mother is stronger than the desire to abandon ship because I have plenty of evidence to suggest that my son would not be better off without me. He too would end up in therapy, he too would spend his adult life feeling the same pain that I do...

I don't have any answers for you, but I do feel that giving custody to your son's father seems drastic. Joint custody seems a better place and if access can be shared between you then you & Nicholas's father can adapt to your high's and lows as they arrive.

In the mean time getting your treatment right is the highest priority, and I don't just mean meds. I believe an holistic approach to treatment is important, meds alone won't see you right. There are people here with BP and you should be able to get some helpful advice on what works for them and different things to try.

Good luck Stella xxx

 

[Isca]

Children

I have a 10 year old. I was diagnosed 6 years ago. The main thing is to keep experimenting with medications (dosage especially...e.g.I only need very low doses at the moment), under medical supervision of course. Be prepared to change medications, but give them a fair go. Give your GP & doctors a fair go, but be prepared to get support to change them if your relationship isn't working out.

I changed GP because my old GP was ok, but not very interested or knowledgeable about Bi-Polar. They can't be good at everything and sometimes you can change GP within a practice. The one good thing about Bi-Polar is that it can give you the courage to be honest...I said to my old GP that I liked her, but felt our partnership wasn't working and could she help me find someone with a specific interest in mental health...she did and now I've been with my current GP for 5 years!

I found it important to have at least one good advocate; I have my GP and two close friends. They can support your decisions and keep eye out for you or be honest with you if they think you're not on top of things. This is especially important for when you get the 'paranoias'. )

Make sure you get advice about access to all benefits. E.g.I receive disability living allowance. This allows me to get some help with cleaning (thus freeing up energy and time) and pays for some 'together time' with my child.

I am currently off full time medication, due to an allergic reaction and am being supervised taking a low dose anti-psychotic (up to x3 per day if I need it), which is keeping me level whilst I let my body take a rest.

Be open, but age appropriate with your child about your illness. Use simple terms to explain what's happening. I would take a regular break (see if you can arrange some 'you time', 'partner time', 'family time' and 'child time' occasionally); it doesn't have to cost anything. Planning a 'break' e.g. evening with a friend, joining a class; anything which gives you a break from parenting. Your child will understand if you don't make a big deal of it and explain that you're having sometime to charge your batteries and give him some time too. My daughter appreciates the independence from me and is growing up appreciating 'her time'.

When you're feeling level, write a list of small goals e.g. Tuesday I will try to do 30 minutes gardening/ walking/ football with my son etc.

I have written a picture book with my daughter about bi-polar disorder for first readers and the very young. If I ever get it published (!) I'll let you know. We have written a follow up for 7-12 year olds.

The only time you need to worry about your child is if you're being consistently abusive in anyway. I feel that children can be very forgiving of a lot of things if you don't overburden them.

If you're still worried talk to your GP or psychiatrist. Regular breaks (even quick 15 minutes for relaxation - for all of you) that your whole family can look forward to (together or separately) will probably help keep you at home, rather than breaking down under the pressure and leaving.

Hope this helps and that I haven't been too 'directive'.

 

[Isca]

Error!


The username I chose has not been displayed in error. Unfortunately, most of my e-mail address has been!
So I am now busy changing my e-mail account and will re-register at the forum under a proper 'username'.

 

[sweet insanity]

I´m amazed over getting so many responses..Thank you all for good advises and caring thoughts....

I´m a bipolar and have been through a long and tiresome fight with the mental hospitals and my self..
I have had this decease since early teens...but the decease really got going when I gave birth..
I have been through a lot of diagnoses and meds until it was settled for a couple of years ago...
I have in the past been abusive to my son and for a while he was afraid of me so I could not be alone with him and my husband was his guardian. I have not been abusive for a long while fortunately...I know now that it was a part of my bp so I try to forgive myself, which is impossible. Yesterday my son proclaimed that he was afraid of me and that he wanted his dad, but he was at the cinema...I don´t know why he was upset, I didn´t do any thing to make him afraid of me...

Any thoughts

--Stella--

 

[midnight]

hi stella - my illness got worse when I was pregnant with my second. Ever since then I have not controlled the problem well

My eldest who is just turning 7 has been very emotionally affected at times - has regressed ( wetting herself) she cries at times and has had difficulty at school. My youngest who is now 4 has not quite twigged about the whole thing

I bet you are loaded with guilt as I am at times.

The only advice I can give you is to think good and hard - would you fair better with or without your child in your life ? Maybe today it would be easier - would that be the same answer in 10 years time ? I try to hide the worst bits from my kids and when I am heading for a crash either high or low I have set up trigger systems so my kids are shielded from the worst ( I get admitted very quickly as the docs have seen what it can do to my family if I am left to wallow for too long - last time I was admitted within 4 hours of my first contact with the gp ) Alternatives are that I call in the help of friends and family who take the kids off my hands so I can get things under control.

I would say hang onto as much contact as you feel you can handle with your child - they are the most important thing you could ever have in your life in not the most difficult.

and heck you are only human and you would never manage to be a perfect parent even if you were not burdened with health issues

good luck

 

[sweet insanity]

Been a long time....

I´ve been out of the loop for a long time now...things keep getting worse I hope I can stay a float...but I feel like drowning would love to get some soothing thoughts if anyone feel like giving...I would love it....

My family can feel the high and the low happing to me...I can´t hold it in anymore it´s really hurting inside.....

 

[Isca]

Kind words.

Horrid place to be and doesn't it feel uncontrollable even though you've been there before? We always beat ourselves up that we should 'know better this time'.

My concern for you extends primarily to your child. If you make sure your child is safe, (e.g. put in the care of your husband), then you can concentrate (relatively guilt free) on getting through this episode.

It's not selfish to concentrate on yourself for a bit, especially as you'll most likely be more able to then care for your child and enjoy it.

X

 

[Brianna]

Hey Stella , I personally think you should work with your doctor with these thoughts because if you take your self out of the equasion you may really regret it & its better for your child to have a mother ! You gotta think of it like this ... would you want to leave your hubby and child if you had diabetes? Its a disease you can't help it , just keep up with your meds and do the best that you can! Brianna