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Childhood trauma resulting in personality disorder?

C

Chemsanity

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Nov 12, 2021
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I am a 31-year-old male currently studying chemistry at university. For the past 10+ years I have been dependant on poppy tea and a large dose of benzos, after starting out using alcohol to cope with anxiety. I now am prescribed methadone and slowly tapering from diazepam. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 10 but am certain it's actually a personality disorder caused by childhood trauma. My mother always insists that I had a happy childhood but I feel something is missing deep down, like an emotional hole I am trying fill. I can’t form stable relationships and have trouble trusting anyone, and am constantly on the lookout for threats (I always have to sit facing forwards wherever I go and sometimes even believe that people are dangerous, and can never truly be trusted. Sometimes I tell myself that I am happy being alone, doing my own thing, but I miss the friends I used to have – the opiates have made me even less able to connect.

I would constantly fear being alone, without the company of my friends and seem to be unable to remember huge chunks of my past, particularly between the ages of about four and six, and can recall a deep sense of sadness around the time my mother suffered a breakdown and took an overdose. My dad took me to visit her in hospital and into the psychiatric ward she was in. Whenever I bring this event up, she brushes this off and says it only lasted for a couple of days, and that I was happy at time. However, since reducing my use of the benzo’s, it has constantly come back to haunt me. I began having flashbacks of a woman with dark hair running away from me, of everything suddenly fading to black, then of wandering alone through long empty corridors at night, searching for a hand to hold to feel warm again. I would a feel very strange emotion (like Deja-vu) and could smell a strange odour. At one point I began experiencing episodes of rapid, uncontrollable blinking during which I would hear beeping noises and saw flashing images of what appeared to be an old-fashioned ICU, where a woman lay in a bed attached to a series of drips and life-support equipment, and began saying “what’s happening to mummy?”. I always had a deep fear of hospitals and dreaded the idea of ending up in one. Ordinary household objects, such as the hoover (with its long black tube resembling a ventilator hose) would bring a deep sense of unease, as if I recalled seeing it somewhere else but couldn’t recall when or where. I also recall being happy and easy going up until that point, recalling how it felt to truly love someone, but that all disappeared. My parents remained together but they were no longer as intimate or as close as they had been, and my mum drank often, ending up falling asleep on the sofa with a drink in her hand. My dad would become physically violent, dragging me up the stairs and pinning me to the floor, and would threaten to kill me if I made a sound. Most of the trust and respect I’d had for my dad slowly left, but I still loved him. As I got older and learned to fight back my mum would call the police, who would often side with my dad and threaten to arrest me. I developed an intense mistrust of the police, and my behaviour at school began to worsen. I was obsessed with control and would lie pathologically. I also noticed that I had odd feelings around women, who I always got on better with than men and who seemed to trust me, but I constantly feared abandonment and never felt able to get truly close or form lasting relationships.

I began to look at porn at a young age, which I felt had a negative effect on me, yet feared any form of sexual deviancy. I became obsessed with power and control, especially over attractive women, and would play psychological “mind games” often without realising it. In my late teens, despite doing well academically and intending to study medicine (which I now believe was related to a desire for power), I began shoplifting on a regular basis. Despite the continued drug use and regrets over the past, I am now doing well at university and can finally see a path where I am able to choose what happens. I have a much better relationship with my parents than in the past. I simply want to find out the truth – does it sound like I may be suffering from some kind of personality disorder related my childhood?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I can understand you want to know the root of your difficulties in life.

Are you through the worst of your difficulties?

I'm inclined to say that you are just you, imperfect like all of us, with your own background that affected you in a specific way.

A diagnosis can help but ultimately you are just you. An individual, unique.

Do you have a good psychiatrist?
 
T E_90

T E_90

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To me, it seems PTSD or something similar, but I don't know though, maybe a psychiatrist could help you.
Abuse can lead to trauma and personality disorders seems common.
I also had abuse in my childhood, and I have memory holes and more (and weirdly, even what you say about porn).
Having a diagnosis didn't change much for me, but it did give me a starting point to understand what's going on in my head.
Sounds like you might need that too.
 

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