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Childhood guilt trauma and anxiety

A

Alxp

Member
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Romania
Hi! I am Alex and this is my first post.

My problems relate to intimacy relationships. I had 3 past relashionships and am cureently in the forth.
My issues start when I cannot deal with some situatiin. For instance, I cannot have an argument without feeling a lot of stress and chest pain. Also, if my girlfriend pushes a little to strong, I start having very unusualfeeling or reactions. For instance: at first, I feel that I am right to be upset, but after she does not serve me justice(like accepting that it’s her failt), I start to feel really really guilty and direct everything towards me. In that moment, I feel like I really want to die, to punish myself and I event hit me pretty hard. I expose all this things to her and she is supportive but she has her limits, past which she either gets angry or leaves me alone. She is really supportive with me a lot of the times also.
I finally went to a good therapist that understands me and was able to make sense of mu reactions. It appears that I have those feeling because I was neglected and had very bad relashionship examples when I was a kid. My mother always yelled at me and made me feel guilty. Often I cried my eyes out asking her to forgive me and she would not move a muscle to show me it’s OK. Now, it’s like the same applies with my intimate relashionships.
My therapist says she has to also make some changes, and I really think she wants to, but she also comes with her emotional baggage. And due to that she is really reluctant to go to therapy.
Right now, I am feeling very bad, I’ve hit muself and I feel to do it again. I am very stressed and lonely and I feel I don’t want to die anymore. Cannot do anything or talk to anybody due to fear and guilt. It seems the only thing I need is her affection, and now she is also exhausted and cannot do that for me.
Also, my therapist suggested sometimes that if she is not willing to do something for me, I should take the right decision and break it. But I love her like no other and I know she loves me back.

I just don’t know how to handle all this..
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
12,297
Location
Nowhere
hi Alxp :welcome:

your post screams to me that you need friends
I'm sure you love her more than anything
and thats part of the problem
no one person can make it up to you
for the loss of your mothers affection
you need some sort of community in life
as well as a therapist

its really hard work getting all this together
and well done finding a good therapist

:grouphug:🎼🍀🐢
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,177
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. It is really good you have seen a therapist and have more of an understanding into your feelings. It is so hard to recover from emotional trauma caused by parents. The way your mother made you beg for forgiveness is so cruel and has impacted your whole life. Please do not hurt yourself. I think you may hurt yourself because you feel so much pain inside. Are you still having therapy? It can take a lot of therapy to deal with the things you have been through.

When we have not grown up seeing healthy relationships it can give us a view that an unhealthy relationship is okay. I can understand you need for affection and that can make you stay with somebody even if they are making you feel worse. If your partner is not willing to have therapy or give you affection when you need it then it is going to be hard for you to feel happy. I have learned that constant arguing is not healthy and a partner not willing to change is not the right person to be with. I feel you deserve so much better then you have right now.
 
A

Alxp

Member
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Romania
hi Alxp :welcome:

your post screams to me that you need friends
I'm sure you love her more than anything
and thats part of the problem
no one person can make it up to you
for the loss of your mothers affection
you need some sort of community in life
as well as a therapist

its really hard work getting all this together
and well done finding a good therapist

:grouphug:🎼🍀🐢
Yes, I am struggling to integrate in the community and I have the right contex. I don’t have the emotional power to separate myself from the guilt and neediness I feel all the time.
I feel like therapy really helps me and will continue to go..it will be a long procesa :)
Thanks for the reply!
 
A

Alxp

Member
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Romania
Hello and welcome to the forum. It is really good you have seen a therapist and have more of an understanding into your feelings. It is so hard to recover from emotional trauma caused by parents. The way your mother made you beg for forgiveness is so cruel and has impacted your whole life. Please do not hurt yourself. I think you may hurt yourself because you feel so much pain inside. Are you still having therapy? It can take a lot of therapy to deal with the things you have been through.

When we have not grown up seeing healthy relationships it can give us a view that an unhealthy relationship is okay. I can understand you need for affection and that can make you stay with somebody even if they are making you feel worse. If your partner is not willing to have therapy or give you affection when you need it then it is going to be hard for you to feel happy. I have learned that constant arguing is not healthy and a partner not willing to change is not the right person to be with. I feel you deserve so much better then you have right now.
Thank you for the reply!
You would not be the first one to say I should end the relationship..the problem is that it’s the fourth relationship I am in and I have the same issues. I know she can do more for me but I cannot rely soleily on that..Also, she has her own problems and I would be an hypocrite if I would deny her issues. She is supporting sometimes and I onow she loves me.
I am going to therapy and I think it helps me. Took 4 tries to reach a good therapist, but I really trust the one I am seeing(since almost one year).
Another person would just end it..it is impossible to me..it was everytime..Besids the good stuff, like respect and love, also the guilt and the fear are too strong for letting me end this.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,177
Location
England
It can take time to find a happy relationship. I would not pressure yourself to get it right after a certain number. It is very hard for those with parents who did not teach us how to have healthy relationships and it may take us a few more tries. It is great you have a good therapist. Perhaps you can talk about your feelings of guilt to the therapist. You are being so hard on yourself to feel guilty if you wanted to end things. It could be you may need time to work on yourself and feel better before you want to be in a relationship. You have every right to feel that way and put yourself first.
 
L

La_Tubereuse

Member
Joined
Apr 20, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Europe
Hello Alex. I sympathize. Feeling angry, then feeling excessively guilty to the point of obsessing and exhausting myself from anxiety and fears. I think you need to have a deep conversation with her, that if she wants your relationship to have a future, she may need to change some behaviors so not disrupt your way to healing. It's already hard as it is, with what we have to endure, without having relationships that add to the agony.
 
C

Cornflowerblue

Active member
Joined
Aug 4, 2020
Messages
36
Location
UK
i can relate to this. I feel a lot of anxiety and guilt when dealing with siblings because I was always the scapegoat. i would say this to you, no one person can slove your issues. Work with the therapist and ask your girlfriend for more affection by all means but expecting your girlfriend to provide emotional support all the time when it sounds like she is in need of help herself is unrealistic. I think to a certain extent she is drawn to you because you both have a troubled history/past issues. To take the relationship forward you have to help each other and fulfill reciprocal needs. The support she wants maybe different to what you want and that’s ok. Just be there for each other. You both have to get through this together for the relationship to survive. You both have different needs and they both matter. It’s not a competition. Being focussed only on your own pain and recovery will likely alienate a partner. Talk and work this out gently and overlook each other’s mistakes. I wish you all the best.
 
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