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Childhood bullying and murderous violent thoughts

T E_90

T E_90

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Jun 4, 2021
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Hi everyone,
I know it's a long story, I don't know if a post can be so long, but this is all the space I needed to explain my situation at best.
I've been holding on for too long. I apologize if what I write will offend someone, I'm not trying to.

I don't feel to give details on myself I'll say that I'm 30 years old and recently found myself having a strong desire to kill, to scare and to control, along with lot of anger and violent thoughts. The violent thoughts started 3 years ago, they come and go, especially if I'm stressed.
It takes me anger and frustration and I get these feelings above (I want to add that depression has always been running in my family).

My childhood hasn't been easy (looking for a cause, it might be the responsible for my problem).
I think till now I was in denial about it, believing I had a normal childhood until some memories returned.

I've never met my father ( I wasn't sure on who really was and also a bit confused about a man I kept calling uncle, so thought he was a relative, but that in reality, I found out he was my mother’s partner ) and during elementary school up to the end of middle school, I've always been heavily bullied.
I've been bullied because I didn't have a father, I wasn't wealthy like most of my peers (in fact I had tantrums to have the same expensive things that others had), and because I was introverted and too skinny
(the latter didn't even help me to be good at any sport, another reason that increased the bullying).
Plus I had dyslexia when stressed.

One day I snapped and tried to strangle my middle school classmate, the one responsible for most of the abuses.
I became more and more a loner and shy, I felt like an alien all the time.
Moreover I never accepted my stepfather as a father figure.

I repressed memories of abuses at school,
but many come back to me every now and then.

I remember being 8 years old, and having the intention to kill a cat I owned and even trying to do so
(I don't remember much about it but in the end I didn't) and in the meantime feeling in total control.
Now, this memory makes me feel like s**t as I do love animals.

As a child, I also tried to join the Scouts for a while, ( has always been my childhood dream).
There, however, I've done bad things to my weaker peers and also started stealing things.
I'm not proud of it, but it was as if in them, I saw my weak side, bringing me a wish for revenge.
I don't remember much, but it didn't go well so I had to leave.

During my adolescence I never had serious romantic relationships and in any case not lasting ones.
I've always had problems relating to others, in relationships and especially in sexual intimacy,
I never felt comfortable with it.

Because of all of this, I've spent years wearing a "mask" in front of people, suppressing my true emotions, acting the way I think they wanted me to, and tell the things I thought they wanted to hear,
in order to be accepted.

My first serious relationship was and abusive one,( it was a constant threats to leave me, lots of psychological abuse, making me feel weak, worthless, etc..) which increased my depression, fear of rejection, insecurities, anger and anxiety. It ended not long ago.
I still hold a grudge on that person, and I think that, was the last straw.

I have trouble sleeping and mood swings, where I feel happy, super productive (some nights my thoughts come so fast that it's hard to keep up and I end up talking compulsively too much too quickly) and then I fall back into depression and bad thoughts again.
I’ve always been a control freak and I have a hard time accepting someone telling me what to do.
I lose control easily and overreact.
I also have problems concentrating as I get bored very easily.

One evening I heard a voice in my head, and had a conversation aloud with it, but this episode didn't last long and never came back so I don't think it's relevant.
Now I also get this desire to kill, so strong that I started to drink more alcohol and more often
(doesn't help me at all as I become more angry and aggressive, but I can't help it).

One night I found myself, while walking home, been overwhelmed by anger, wandering aimlessly, looking for trouble.
This brought me back to reality, and I don't know what's going on. I still can maintain control of myself.
I feel confused, is as if something has clicked in my head and I no longer feel the same.
I've lost all emotions about everything, except my loved ones. Actually I'm not even sure what I've felt so far was love, or just a way to not be lonely.
I know it sounds silly, but in my case the trigger was reading the word "bastard" related to another person, which suddenly reminded me of when, in middle school, it was said to me behind my back by my classmates, due to the lack of a father. This has unlocked many repressed memories and rage, which came like a waterfall and I find myself in this position.

I've been recently half diagnosed by a psychiatrist, with either Borderline or Bipolar,
but he's not sure yet (and neither do I to be honest) as there are still too many things to consider.
He also started talking about psychopathy but he didn't finish,(I'm not psychopath) I changed the subject adding things distracting him.
So he suggested anti psychotics if the symptoms get worse as well as antidepressants (which I honestly don't feel really comfortable taking, as I tried in the past SSRI and they made all worse) or psychotherapy sessions, which I would rather have.
For now, while I wait to know more on my diagnosis (if any), I write here cause I really need to, I'm frustrated and need venting. That "B" word from the past made all my world crumble around me over and over again.

So now, if anyone still wants to keep reading this
I would like to explain and get to the point(the real reason why I'm here),
the feeling I get about killing. Maybe someone else has experienced the same situation.
It's so strong and weird that I don't expect to be understood (I myself, still don't get it ) but at least I hope not to be judged. To be clear, I am confident in being able to restrain myself, having done it so far.

It often happens at night or close to it, rarely during the day.
I see someone in front of me further ahead walking, that's how (if) it begins.
That person (I don't know how) stop being a person in front of my eyes , becoming just a target,
unaware, meaningless and pathetic, and from which, in that moment I emotionally detach.
I understand this can sounds outrageous, but this feeling inside that take over, is so overwhelming, exciting, scary and frustrating at the same time that I feel I could explode, is literally tearing me apart bit by bit.
It's like if in that moment, my brain split and a second person, an evil one, fearless and excited about the situation, start walking next to me, and I become this person.
My heartbeat accelerates, my eye vision increases, my hands start to sweat , the thoughts of doing what I would like to do is so strong that I find myself nearly in tears so frustrated and enraged I am of the impossibility to act and the shock of all this.
I feel destabilized and tired as I can't escape myself, I don't know what's going on inside me but the will to harm, scare, is always there in the corner of my mind and I keep it in constant control.
To explain me better, it's like having a phrase or a song stuck in your head, that keeps repeating itself over and over and over again(even all night).
That's the mind torture I get.
It doesn't happen every day however, I have good days and bad days.
I know it's getting worse, as now I get it also sometimes when in bed, thinking about it and wishing to get out just to repeat that feeling.

When I'm out with friends, I can meet new people and start chatting, but sometimes I can't help becoming distracted by the (not ok) thoughts of what I could do to them,
I can see clearly this things in my head without realizing I started to stare at them.
I laugh to their jokes even if I don't really always care or want to, and talk a lot, to cover all this feelings, trying to distract myself, but I think they begin to understand that something is wrong with me.
I know it seems like a contradiction, but in those moments I feel like I have a secret, very valuable to me, that nobody knows, especially the ones who speaks to me,
and this makes me feel good, as in those moments I think "I know something that you don't know, that it concerns you, while you, unaware, are talking to me. "
I'm ashamed to say it but that's whats usually happens.
I've been told also my eyes in some moments look different than usual, darker almost black,
as it happens to me every time I get angry.
I can't open up to anyone on how I feel as this is too hard to understand for me also, and so I feel lonely.

With the psychiatrist I'm not able to share the whole feelings as I don't know what he would think, and can't help to act "normal, smiling and extremely calm" as I used to do with everybody (and sometimes is hard).
He said I'm a very rational and introspective person.
So (I'm not really helping myself am I ?) I don't get enough help on what's really bothering me.
Sometimes I feel so sad, lonely and empty I would like to disappear.
I'm only now getting to know this part of me and I want to learn to cope with it, if I can't solve it.

I hope that sooner or later I will be able to open up fully also with my psychiatrist, in order to start therapy and understand if I suffer from any disorder. It could be a life phase, or anger management problems.
For now I want to try to talk here and see if I feel better, hoping not to be judged too badly for this. 🙏
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Hi TE-90, welcome to the forum. Wow. What a huge burden to bear. It would feel difficult to share with anyone and it is a huge step to share it here or anywhere. It is good that you are seeing a therapist. Sometimes it take small steps. It is hard for me to share everything with therapist. I am afraid to share things. Baby steps. In time you will feel safer to share. Good that you have started.

I was bullied in school. I had a lot of fights and anger. I can relate to the anger. I am sorry that you have gone through this and hope that you find the support that you need. 🙏
 
K

Konvo

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I've been recently half diagnosed by a psychiatrist, with either Borderline or Bipolar,
but he's not sure yet (and neither do I to be honest) as there are still too many things to consider.
He also started talking about psychopathy but he didn't finish,(I'm not psychopath) I changed the subject adding things distracting him.
Considering all the symptoms you described, it sounds totally like PTSD. I think that you should find a better psychiatrist.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Hey, welcome to the forum, @T E_90, and do hope it feels better to be able to make a start at opening up. I'm sorry you're going through this anger and confusion and hope some people on here can offer helpful advice, or at least it's a place to vent and ready yourself more for your shrink. Good luck to you:)
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Considering all the symptoms you described, it sounds totally like PTSD. I think that you should find a better psychiatrist.
You may be right about PTSD although I doubt it, as I don't have nightmares related to specific abuses, flashbacks, I didn't have any major trauma in my childhood and it doesn't really explain all of the feelings I've been experiencing. On the other hand, it's also true that PTSD can develop over time into other significant behavioral problems such as personality disorders, etc. and also that many of them look a lot like PTSD, so over time I imagine that I will find out.
For now I want to give my psychiatrist a chance, since I've already changed one, the first was a useless incompetent.
But thank you for your input, its appreciated
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Hi TE-90, welcome to the forum. Wow. What a huge burden to bear. It would feel difficult to share with anyone and it is a huge step to share it here or anywhere. It is good that you are seeing a therapist. Sometimes it take small steps. It is hard for me to share everything with therapist. I am afraid to share things. Baby steps. In time you will feel safer to share. Good that you have started.

I was bullied in school. I had a lot of fights and anger. I can relate to the anger. I am sorry that you have gone through this and hope that you find the support that you need. 🙏
Thank you for your answer,
yup is a lot to bear at the moment on my own, and I'm looking for a motivation
(I know of people in the past who have had similar experiences but they didn't end up well, I don't wish to end bad too, I know I'm not like them, but I don't I feel understood by the people around me).
I want to find out what is it, that pushes me to react the way I react, as well as all thoughts and impulses along with everything that follows.
I may be too analytical but I would like to find an answer (if indeed there is, good or bad, I don't really care), in order to live better, since this thing is very persistent and I've always had anger and unhealthy thoughts etc.
I'm sorry that you were bullied in school too, (I know how hard it is sometimes to maintain control) it seems to be a constant consequence of this. And we have to consider that at that time, in schools bullying was seen as something almost due to form and strengthen the character of a person, how much more wrong it could be?
It scares me to think about how many people maybe could have been saved, if only there had been the opportunity to open up and speak, even to a few people, for a few minutes, to be able to get rid of a burden that if it stays, eat you inside and it feels like hell.
I really wish you the best in your life :)
 
K

Konvo

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I don't have nightmares related to specific abuses, flashbacks, I didn't have any major trauma in my childhood and it doesn't really explain all of the feelings I've been experiencing.
However, you wrote about repressed memories. That's typical for PTSD and untypical for bipolar and borderline, and is totally unheard of for psychopathy.
 
S

SugarAndRainbows

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He also started talking about psychopathy but he didn't finish,(I'm not psychopath)
Hi, I am diagnosed with ASPD and have psychopathic traits. I agree, this does not sound like neither ASPD nor psychopathy for a lot of reasons (if you want details feel free to DM me). I also get rages though but I don’t feel that they are related based on your description.
No matter what, great that you are seeing a therapist. Hope you can feel confident enough to open up to your therapist, won’t be getting all you could get from that otherwise. Best of luck! :)
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Thank you for your answer,
yup is a lot to bear at the moment on my own, and I'm looking for a motivation
(I know of people in the past who have had similar experiences but they didn't end up well, I don't wish to end bad too, I know I'm not like them, but I don't I feel understood by the people around me).
I want to find out what is it, that pushes me to react the way I react, as well as all thoughts and impulses along with everything that follows.
I may be too analytical but I would like to find an answer (if indeed there is, good or bad, I don't really care), in order to live better, since this thing is very persistent and I've always had anger and unhealthy thoughts etc.
I'm sorry that you were bullied in school too, (I know how hard it is sometimes to maintain control) it seems to be a constant consequence of this. And we have to consider that at that time, in schools bullying was seen as something almost due to form and strengthen the character of a person, how much more wrong it could be?
It scares me to think about how many people maybe could have been saved, if only there had been the opportunity to open up and speak, even to a few people, for a few minutes, to be able to get rid of a burden that if it stays, eat you inside and it feels like hell.
I really wish you the best in your life :)
Thank you 💗
 
LearntheEssentials

LearntheEssentials

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Opening up is a big first step!

Welcome to the Forums, T E_90
 
E

Eternityy

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That's a deep story. I'm 100% sure you would not hurt anyone, since you are sharing the story with other people. I always feel better when I talk about my problems with someone. Feel free to come and talk with all of us any time you feel like. After all we are all humans and we have to take care of each others. Better times will come.
Stay strong!
Welcome to the forum.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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However, you wrote about repressed memories. That's typical for PTSD and untypical for bipolar and borderline, and is totally unheard of for psychopathy.
I agree with what you've said, I don't dispute it, and you may well be right.
I know it's not psychopathy, and if it is ptsd it would be definitely a step forward to maybe solve this.
Thank you again for trying to help me, you are very kind : )
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Hi, I am diagnosed with ASPD and have psychopathic traits. I agree, this does not sound like neither ASPD nor psychopathy for a lot of reasons (if you want details feel free to DM me). I also get rages though but I don’t feel that they are related based on your description.
No matter what, great that you are seeing a therapist. Hope you can feel confident enough to open up to your therapist, won’t be getting all you could get from that otherwise. Best of luck! :)
Thank you for taking the time to read my post (I know it's very long winded).

I agree with your opinion, the psychiatrist himself is still evaluating what's going on.
I must admit that, unfortunately, I still don't feel to say everything, for fear of being filled with drugs or treated like I'm insane, cause I'm not.
I'm polite, friendly and normal most of the time (even if with a short fuse).
But I know that I'm "acting" with people and that's tiring, not that I'm not sincere or shy, but I've found difficult in the past to fully understand and enter into social relationships.
I have no patience for others,not that I don't care, but most of the time I just feel anger,as if every time I go out I'm ready for a fight.
So, since I can read other people well, it helps me to know how to behave and what to say, depending on the person I meet and the situation I'm in, I shape to fit.
I don't know if it's right or wrong, maybe it comes from my insecurities or maybe it's how it supposed to be.
At least here I can be myself.
Regarding the problem that has been haunting me recently, I even thought it could be due to a bad head injury I had when I was 7, or maybe it's just due to depression.

So thank you again for your help and suggestions, I'm very thankful. 🙂
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Tonight I'm struggling and I need to write again, (to be honest I also drank lots today to try to distract myself but I feel worse now) I need to let off steam and I hope I can do it here.
I've never open up about this.
In my first post I tried to say as much as possible about what my life has been up to now and what my actual problem is.
I would like to continue writing more also about my behaviors in childhood and adulthood, to try distract myself from these thoughts.

In elementary school I already had problems, I've been psychologically abused by my classmates and also by teachers,
(locked up in the classroom during breaks, forced to eat cause too skinny until vomiting, humiliated in front of the class, yelled at cause I couldn't read well and mocked for this, treated badly cause I was introverted, and so on)
so I started having problems with it, I became more and more fearful and cautious about others and more on my own.

I remember starting to get frustrated and angry as early as the age of 7 /8.
I don't think I had a different childhood from the others during school breaks, I did the usual things that growing up children do, having fun as much as they can.
In my case, however, I remember a constant feeling of frustration.

At day camp, I had few friends but still passed most of the time alone.
I liked to steal other peer's things from their backpacks (toys, snacks, whatever I could get my hands on that I liked ) almost compulsively, hiding everything in a secret place that only I knew.
I had fun scaring other kids, popping out from behind walls, bushes or taking them to places and scaring them there, with stories and made-up things.
Children younger than me were usually easier to scare.
I dug pits in the ground, masking them with foliage, as traps for mates I hated or teachers who did me wrong, hoping they would break an ankle
(the pits were too small anyway, but I had great fun copying them from comic books).
I gave a little girl a paper cup of pee, saying it was iced tea, just to see if she would drinking it (I pulled it off when I saw she was about to). This still trouble me as a bit disturbing.
I ended up by the principal twice, threatened to call home and send me anyway.
What I tried to do to my cat also happened during this time, but I didn't go beyond that.
Anyway in front of adults and family, I tried to hide any feeling of discomfort, I was always a calm, kind and friendly child most of the time, and in reality I wasn't bad.

After middle school, (where I've been bullied by my classmates every-single-day, for the things already mentioned in my first post), I reached the last year of high school.
As a teenager I was increasingly emotionally detached from others and with anger management issues.
I've always been (and still are) very confrontational.
I've had numerous outbursts of anger, quarrels,etc.. both at school at a teacher and out (with threats to call the police at me), etc...
I started drinking a lot, skipping class, had a hard time not to get constantly bored and also trouble concentrating, (I stopped stealing, very few things, but not relevant), damaged public property in fits of anger...I just don't remember much of it (this happened before, sometimes if I loose my mind in rage, I don't remember a lot).
I fell in to depression (tried ssri but they made it all worse).
I want to say that this is a condensate story of my behaviors, that happened in time, not all in once, in fact most of the time, I was a pleasant, friendly and calm person (still are).

I grew up with the belief of being wrong and unacceptable,
so I've never quite understood how to behave in social relationships and what leads others to want to approach me (already not finding myself interesting).
I think for this reason I've never been able to feel at full the feelings that I normally see in those around me, it feels to me that I'm emotionally detached, flat (apart from the anger and sadness that, anyway, I mask very well in front of others).
The thing I don't understand, is why I do feel affection and attachment for my family and very few others.
Since it's difficult for me to feel something for people, it's therefore also difficult to put myself into their shoes.
I almost feel like a stranger in the midst of "normal people" (or maybe this is normality and I'm looking in to something nonexistent).
I don't think I've ever felt remorse (except for family matters), only regrets.
Even in front of strong and violent images (where some would feel repulsion and horror) I feel detached, indeed, I end up looking for even stronger ones, almost morbidly.

And it's for all this that I've always had to "play" a different part for each type of situation, so as to be less "strange", and more pleasant and interesting in the eyes of others, therefore be accepted.
I had to push myself into chaotic and social environments, even though I didn't feel like it and I sometimes felt uncomfortable (ending up drinking a lot of alcohol).
As a result, I've also acquired skills in lying easily (when needed), without second thoughts, convincing myself that everything I say is the truth, even under pressure (at all job interviews, tense situations, important requests, etc. ...) making excuses as I go along and adding details for more credibility.
The only people with whom it's impossible for me to lie, are my family members or those to whom I feel, out of necessity of the situation,
that I must tell the truth. Is as if my brain is frying in front of them.

I've also had trouble concentrating. Whatever I start, I end up getting bored to death, and I leave it half way, I have no patience. I tried self learning different things, I've always had high ambitions, to become someone important with an important career, dreaming about it.
There was a time where I was obsessed with learning Finnish, then again Chinese, both with total failure and I lost interest in that too.
During conversations, my concentration stops and my mind goes elsewhere.
People take this as a lack of interest,(mostly is) but I can't help it.
To solve this, I ended up using a drug to feel "high", in order to work better even for hours straight without breaks, feeling more in control, nearly risking an addiction.
So I decided to stop, mostly just because when the effect ended, I regularly felt like shit,
angry, irrational and with migraines.
(Adding to all this that I fell into a relationship that devastated me more than I already was, been dumped, finished the job. Therefore I still desire revenge).

Overall this mindset has never been a concern for me, I'm used to be like this, I'm happy with myself most of the time, as I think taking it off would be like taking away a "defense" under which I feel safe, going on pretending I'm someone people like, personable, no one can enter into what my weaknesses are and hurt me as it was in the past and more.

I don't know if I had a problem, but if I didn't have one I surely have it now, given the violent urges which I've experienced lately, along with the adrenaline rash that comes with it.
I just don't know where it came from.
The thing is, this feeling doesn't happen every day and on normal days, I think I'm fine and don't really need to go to the psych, that is a waste of time and I'm ok.
Then suddenly I find myself as before.
So I will have no choice but open up with the psychiatrist this time.
Perhaps by saying more, I'll have an answer and everything will make sense again.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Hi TE-90,
My concentration goes elsewhere during conversations. When I was a little girl, I asked another kid to do something horrible and I still think of it. Luckily she did not do it. I was waiting for my mom who was shopping and I felt like jumping over an opening to the ground. Then there was another kid. I was about 6 years old and so was she. We started talking. At some point I asked her to jump over. She didn't and stopped talking to me. I wanted to jump and I wanted to see someone else jump with me, or before me. Didn't even think it all through. This is my first time sharing it. Sometimes when I wonder what is wrong with me. I think about that day.
I am sorry you are going through all of this. Hope you are able to find help with those thoughts and feelings.
 
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