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Child on child sexual assault Trigger warning.

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signed_s

New member
Joined
Jun 19, 2020
Messages
2
Location
NJ
Hello! I'm new here and new to this diagnosis, and I am struggling a ton to validate myself. Just wanna preface this with a trigger warning for sexual assault.

Long story short, when I was 4, a family friend (he was only 7) forced me into a closet with him in my own room, locked the bedroom door and made me do things to him and vice versa. I remember feeling so disgusted and ashamed that I wanted to throw up. He then forced me into the bathroom with him next to my room, and made me watch him go to the bathroom, etc. There are some details I want to keep out because it's just too gross to say. But I do remember him telling me I can't tell my family, and he'll find out if I do. I was terrified and swamped with guilt. Eventually, I had a panic attack in school and confessed to my teacher, who told my parents.

After that, it was all sorta brushed under the rug as "children experimenting." I ended up being diagnosed with OCD two years later because I was so anxious all the time. I repressed the memory for years, until I started to date. I never went to therapy for it until 20 years later because it was ALWAYS brushed off. But eventually, the OCD treatment (exposure therapy) made it worse, and I started having issues with intimacy and relationships. I'm 25 now, with a therapist who is treating me for PTSD.

I am having so much trouble accepting this diagnosis, as I feel it couldn't possibly have been a "big deal." I feel like I'm being dramatic and looking for excuses as to why I'm such a mess. But I have every "symptom" of sexual assault, like fear of being alone with any guy, shutting down or feeling disgusted by intimacy, trouble dating because I never feel safe or interested enough. I've been battling depression and intense anxiety as well, along with a ton of other issues like anger, trouble focusing, binge-eating, drinking to numb the pain, and INTENSE guilt and shame. It is debilitating. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through this? It's such a unique experience, as it was with another CHILD, so I know it's not his fault. But why is it still affecting me to this extent? I feel like it's insensitive of me to claim I was sexually assaulted when so many others were assaulted by adults or had worse done to them. The guilt and shame are overwhelming.

If you made it this far, thank you so much even for just reading it.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,633
Location
London, ON
I feel like it's insensitive of me to claim I was sexually assaulted when so many others were assaulted by adults or had worse done to them. The guilt and shame are overwhelming.
the fact you are having the issues you are, shows that it wasn't a trivial event.

I had similar experiences, ignored them, but... yeah, they really did have an effect, similar to your issues with intimacy.

And I struggle with the same thoughts - how could something so minor actually affect me this much?

Because, it wasn't really minor.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
3,383
Location
USA
Hi there @signed_s

I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm glad you're getting help for it though.

I have PTSD from sexual abuse in childhood. The abusers were different ages,some were adults but some were also "kids" too.

Usually when a kid does something like that to other kids they've been sexually abused themselves. They are repeating what's been done to then.

But just because it's another kid doesn't mean it's not traumatizing or doesn't have lasting affects.

Some of the things that were done to me by other "kids" were horrendous. Some of it was worse than anything any adults did to me. It's not about the age,it's about the abuse.

Also,it's not as unique as you may think it may be or feel.

Hugs
 
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ramboghettouk

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Founding Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2008
Messages
16,473
Location
london
i remember one psychiatrist saying the kids at my school had been sexually abused and that was why they engaged in it in their play, he wanted me to have therapy for it then the royal society of psychiatrists guidelines on false memory syndrome were published and it wasn't mentioned again

i mentioned it recently in some mental illness zoom group and this women said when the guidelines came out she managed to convince a therapist it was false memory syndrome, it's been giving me a lot of stress hearing that. all i can say was it's a long time ago and the people i can't be sure of my memorys and are now totally different people, should i blame them or attack them on such old and unreliable memorys, let sleeping dogs lie
 
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