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Changed the way I conceptualise MH problems - for the worse

N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
I've continued to experience quite a lot of pain in episodes recently - to an extent I didn't used to - and I think I've finally managed to put this down to the way I conceptualise my problems. Prior to changes last summer, I had suffered from mental health problems since I was 13, but:
a) Had never considered them to be 'a part of me' and had always considered myself to be healthy at core with anxiety and anxiety-related issues 'laid on top'
b) Considered myself to be recovered because I was discharged from therapy in 2013
c) Assumed I was completely in control of how I felt/what I thought/how I behaved and therefore this meant I could effectively 'remove' that extraneous layer of mental health difficulty I assumed I had learned at some point in my teens (and could thus unlearn)

After last year, I now feel that:
a) I was wrong and that I am in fact damaged at the core and my 'healthy' appearance is illusory, perhaps overcompensating for deeply entrenched issues (I now fear that my personality itself may be founded on damage rather than health)
b) Assume I do not have control, as I discovered last year that I have the potential to have inappropriate/abnormal emotions that cause irrational thoughts and behaviours that I wouldn't choose to have/do - thus, not only is there no hope like there used to be (because I was 'healthy at core' and the MH issues were a simple matter), but now I can't even trust myself (because it has been demonstrated that I am damaged on an unconscious level that I do not necessarily have control over)

I'm really struggling with this. I know it sounds like I'm overegging or something, but my recovery was really important to me and it has been taken away - worse than that, I really feel like I have enough evidence to suggest that things are much, much worse than I ever thought they were and that I might never be normal.

The odd thing is, I don't actually have symptoms nowadays so I don't think I would fit any kind of diagnostic criteria, my mood is actually higher most of the time and I am fairly content with life, dipping into depression when I think about this (but find myself unable to stop thinking about it), and I am 100% 'functional' in the every day sense (I sleep, eat, work, socialise absolutely fine). But I'm convinced some kind of damage lies underneath and could emerge at any time, no matter what I do or what I want.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to discern for certain whether or not I am a healthy, normal or stable person (because I might suddenly not be if it's hidden from me), and for me (due to certain values I hold and promises I have made to myself) this puts into question the direction I will take in life, particularly when it comes to having a family (please don't take offence because this is a rule I apply only to myself and I think everybody has to make their own mind up on this, but I long ago made the decision I would not have children if I was not able to ascertain that I was no longer damaged.)

Not that I - for instance - want children anytime soon, but I suppose what I'm saying is that for me it is not just a question of whether or not I am content, but I also feel there is a moral contingency to this (that is personal to me - I don't judge others the same way).
 
Last edited:
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
I worried about this on my cycle home and now it won't let me edit,but I didn't think I communicated well. On the whole family/children thing - I just want to clarify completely that this is to do with circumstances that are very specific to me and my family in particular and that I did not for one instance mean 'people with MH problems shouldn't have children', which is not a stance I hold at all.
 
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