**CAUTION: POSSIBLE TRIGGER**Fear of Infinity

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bundleofempathy

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#1
I understand why I have this specific fear. I'm curious if anyone else is afraid of the same thing? I'm afraid of and fascinated by empty voids like outer space, and art like the Droste Effect or Matryoshka Dolls intrigues me. I'm not afraid of an afterlife, if there is in fact one. I'm afraid of the unpredictable. What is really out there? I was mentally and physically abused growing up. I've been bullied for most of my life. I've seen the scary side of humans and it scares me that at any moment something unpredictable could happen. I don't mean to scare anyone or give them a panic attack with this thread. I know I've gotten panic attacks from thinking about boundlessness, but I can't help it.

It fascinates me. I have to write about it. I have to talk about it. I can tell I upset people with my inquisitive nature, but I have this need to go abstractly under water, into the darkest depths of any subject, and found out what the core meaning is. When I was very young, if I'd go to a new place that seemed immense to me I had this desire to explore it, but didn't because I knew I'd get punished if I wondered off. I've always been like that on multiple subjects, always trying to get to the core of everything. I am afraid of ambiguity, but it fascinates me and keeps me busy.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#2
I can understand this. I have a fear of Anami which is the nameless region in the Beyond, past the astral, causal, super causal, etc etc. etc It's beyond the heavens and it is where you go after you die, after you have been to the various heavens, where you finally lose all notion of yourself. Not that my self is really all that worth hanging onto. What about Infinity exactly upsets you ??
 
Kerome

Kerome

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#3
Osho says that on attaining the highest levels of enlightenment there is such a space:

Nirvana kaya means the shunya kaya, the void from where we jump from the being into the nonbeing. In the cosmic body something yet remains unknown. That too has to be known – what it is not to be, what it is to be completely erased. Therefore, the seventh plane in a sense is an ultimate death. Nirvana, as I told you previously, means the extinction of the flame. That which was I, is extinct; that which was am, is extinct. But now we have again come into being by being one with the all. Now we are the Brahman, and this too will have to be left. He who is ready to take the last jump knows the existence and also the nonexistence.
But it will be a long time before we get there.

Personally I'm not really afraid of the unpredictable, the void, emptiness. What is the worst that can happen? At most a little bit of damage, some hurt. Our presence in this life is a gift from existence, and it would be a shame to acquire some dents and bruises, but perhaps that is the nature of things.
 
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bundleofempathy

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#4
I can understand this. I have a fear of Anami which is the nameless region in the Beyond, past the astral, causal, super causal, etc etc. etc It's beyond the heavens and it is where you go after you die, after you have been to the various heavens, where you finally lose all notion of yourself. Not that my self is really all that worth hanging onto. What about Infinity exactly upsets you ??
It all comes down to unpredictability. I remember the first time I really learned of the idea of infinity it was in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey when they are falling through black infinite space. I didn't have a name for my fear or even heard the word void or abyss before. What scared me about it was symbolic, I guess. What if you fall, walk, run, and so on through this infinity and you accidently walk through an invisible wall and stumble upon something in the atmosphere that hurts you or it slowly disingrates you, piece by piece. What if you fall and hit solid ground but how can you tell if it's solid because everything is the same color. These are the things I use to ponder as a kid, but when it comes to outer space I have the same thoughts I had as a child. What if we develop technology that allows us to reach the end of our universe and instead of a multiverse it's infinite blackness, one massive black hole surrounding our tiny universe that destroys us upon reaching it. Or what if there is a multiverse but along the way we accidentally hit a black hole. Some are very small. I know that may frighten people or they may think I'm crazy but that's honestly what I think about.

Osho says that on attaining the highest levels of enlightenment there is such a space:



But it will be a long time before we get there.

Personally I'm not really afraid of the unpredictable, the void, emptiness. What is the worst that can happen? At most a little bit of damage, some hurt. Our presence in this life is a gift from existence, and it would be a shame to acquire some dents and bruises, but perhaps that is the nature of things.
It's one of those fears I can't defeat. It is terribly hard. I know it's silly because there is nothing I can do to stop the unpredictable. Even if there is hurt I can't stop that. It will be for a moment. What scares me is losing oxygen. I have dreams sometimes that I can barely remember, that leave me feeling sorrowful, but what I can remember about those dreams is I couldn't breathe and I wake up breathing heavily. Dreams like this have been happening recently but there was this one time when I was younger where I had this really awful dream where I was wearing clothes that made it hard to breathe. I woke up next to my mom on our couch's fold out bed and my actions where slow and I still could barely breathe. Then I finally woke up.

There was an incident that happened to me when I was a baby or a toddler, that was before my first known memory. I was on a floating toy raft in a pool and I was left unattended for a moment. When whoever was watching me turned around they saw the toy had flipped over. I only know about this happening because I believe my eldest sister told me it happened. I remember watching a home video (in my timeline I guess it would have happened after the near drowning incident) of myself were my mother was trying to dip me in the pool and I was freaking out. Thinking about it I sort of remember that happening. I think I was afraid she might drop me in even though she didn't. I remember watching the home video as I was growing up and my family making fun of me for crying (despite being in diapers when that was recorded). As I'm typing this reply a vague image has popped into my head of my POV at that time, looking into the pool. I kind of remember the way the water felt, cold. I don't think it's a false recollection either.

The weird thing is there is another home video during Easter of me running around in diapers and when I think about it I can't remember anything about that video. I think the fact that I can't remember that from my own POV scares me because that tells me that I was alive without any conscious awareness and for some reason that frightens me.

Maybe my fear of infinity doesn't stem from the movie Bill and Ted's Bogus Adventure but nearly drowning when I was too young to remember. Maybe my mind can't conjure an image but in a primal subconscious sense it remembers.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#5
bundleofempathy, thanks for sharing. :)

I also have a strong fear of drowning as I nearly did drown in the Atlantic ocean. But I don't find it useful to dwell on. It's just a strong undercurrent (ha ha) of thought that I mostly ignore. I do refuse to go in the ocean if there are waves more than a foot high.