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Carryng a bad feeling everyday (just vent)

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ManDss

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My last 7 years been terrible. I quitted a career and then just couldnt keep a stable life. I started having BIG sleeping issues that still carry this days, being awake the whole night and then not being able to be awake at day.

This problem created a hate towards me in my family. They think "I like to be awake at night", they dont understand its a problem I deal with.

Ive spent the last 6 years with mental problems. Besides the sleeping issues, I stopped seeing the friends I had, they were good people, but just not "my kind of people". I was such a neurotic at that time, and an obsessive.

The thing is that now I feel so deteriorated. Because my sleeping issues my body is in such a pain.

I shouod start a career, at 29 old ! I feel so tired. All feels so "heavy". The mental pain is constant.

I think "things could have been so different if I had been in the right state of my mind". But life was always so difficult to me. Study was hard, have a good time just talking with people was hard, all was hard. Its no surprise at all Im so wrecked right now.

My family is insane. My father just cant think right or normal, he doesnt see how mentally bad he is, so I cant have a rational talk with him. My sister grew up to be a "hippy" and think that rocks have powers and things like that. My mother, who I love inmensely, had a stroke long time ago, and she could be very draining, when I go to visit her (she lives alone, in her own house) talks constantly, the courtains are closed, no light, the house is a mess, dirt all over, boxes and stuff all over the house, she doesnt want me to clean up the house, the backyard is all pooped by a dog. And even if she conserves some sanity, she is see things so... "simple", and the topics we can talk are very shallow, like... reality shows, baking shows, and even if she was very strong into politics and she know about it, because of her stroke she doesnt think straight and is just obsessed with some political views, and its imposible to have a rational talk.

And the worse part of all ? What Ill need to feel something better ? Just... some normal talk. Thats why I started joining to depression forums, to find people to talk. But is so difficult to find people who wants to talk !!! And well... have some things in common. Ive never find a person online I feel "yes, this person likes me", which is kinda how I feel with people in real life. Just makes me feel like screaming, a total mind f##k !! I feel doomed to be an outsider, to see other people with a smily face, and getting along, and me here like "why you can enjoy talking with each other ? You are just talking like stupids".

I know, Im a crazy person. Man... life was ok for me at some point, now its just Hell, pure Hell. Hell, hell, hell...
 
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SadRainbow

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I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I have struggles with sleep too - I can easily sleep twelve hours. It's so hard to get up and do things. Even whilst taking meds that seem to give other people insomnia 🤷🏻‍♀️

What are your interest?
 
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ManDss

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I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I have struggles with sleep too - I can easily sleep twelve hours. It's so hard to get up and do things. Even whilst taking meds that seem to give other people insomnia 🤷🏻‍♀️

What are your interest?
Interests... a couple... but I really dont like much to talk about my interests (hobbies if its what you mean), feels like such a waste of time. I mean, my interests (hobbies) are not my priorities right now, are waaaay down in my list of things I care. I do some spare time things, but I dont feel very excited to talk about it, its not the kind of things Im looking to talk about.

I also can sleep 12 hours. People think that by sleeping that much one would wake up feeling great ! But at least me I wake up feeling totally wrecked. I even want to sleep more. Yo feel tired for sleep that much. And people wouldnt understand this problem. "Oh, you sleep a lot ? Thats wonderful, I wish that". "Thats not a problem !".
 
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SadRainbow

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Too much sleep makes me tired. Pretty sure it's not good for us. Many people with depression sleep a lot - it's a way to escape life.

I used to do a lot of things in my spare time - I really enjoyed it, especially being creative. I still do a bit now, just to pass time really, and in the hope that I will enjoy it again eventually.

Is there anything you still enjoy?

Last time I had a major depression I eventually started going walking lots. It really helped. I want to try again now but I haven't managed yet.
 
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ManDss

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Many people with depression sleep a lot - it's a way to escape life.
You know, to me is the other way around. I dont sleep a lot because I have depression. To me, I have depression because I sleep a lot.

But yes, time ago and some times now I sleep just for scape, and have dreams. Dreams where things are good, where I can go out, meet a place, talk with people, do activities. My life is so null now that in order to see something different and have emotions I only can rely in dreams.

I used to do a lot of things in my spare time - I really enjoyed it, especially being creative. I still do a bit now, just to pass time really, and in the hope that I will enjoy it again eventually.

Is there anything you still enjoy?

Last time I had a major depression I eventually started going walking lots. It really helped. I want to try again now but I haven't managed yet.
Yes, I still enjoy things. Soccer, music, food, etc, spend a good day with my mother.

Ive been thinking to go out to walk since... years... Because this sleeping problems, I feel so tired at day that cannot handle to go out.

You know, sometimes, very usually, I run out of food because I feel too tired to go to buy food. I havent buy clothes for this too. Ive been using the same clothes Ive have since years, just recently bought 1 tshirt, and 1 jean and a 1 cotton pants. I use shirts that now are too small for me, my shoes are old and very weared.

This is how serious my sleeping problems are for me. I feel that tired to dont even go to buy food. So I eat tasteless crackers I have left. And when I manage it to buy food feels like a bless from heaven, "wow, now I can eat real food, I have vegetables, and this and this...".

How many people live like this ? I know this is such a strange problem. Most people just wake up, and do their things. For me, is just hell.
 
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SadRainbow

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Maybe you have a sleep disorder - have you spoken to the doctor?
 
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ManDss

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Maybe you have a sleep disorder - have you spoken to the doctor?
Still havent, but now Im decided to do it. Just waiting to have a couple of ok days where I feel ok to go out, but yes, now Im decided to do it, this problem needs medication, its the only way out.
 
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Daringdan

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Louisville, Ky
Hello ManDss,
Sorry life is so hard on you. I can commiserate because my life for the past several years has been hellish and the periods where I lost sleep were particularly hard. I add to what SadRainbow said about walks, they can be a good natural medicine, it shifts some of the focus from heady problems and drops the awareness down into the body, heartbeat, breath, motion. This can be especially good with surroundings of nature.
 
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StillDepressed

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Jan 28, 2021
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And the worse part of all ? What Ill need to feel something better ? Just... some normal talk.
Im sorry you are having a tough time, I completely understand the need to talk normal, unfortunately I have no one left I can talk too.
Talking to professionals isn’t the same, the loneliness remains.
just keeping joining in on forums and sometimes you do get an interaction that helps
 
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