Can't trust poss TRIGGER warning though no details.

[Zanzi]

Hi this is my first post. I was dx with PTSD after some abuse in my relationship and also childhood. And a lot of bad choices on my part. I still blame myself and am not sure it was really abuse. Me and my husband worked through things, it was hard, and the abuse has stopped now. But a new problem has happened. His sister has told us about a genetic condition that he has to be tested for. It all became a big fight as his family will not talk about it. Then I find out his parents knew all along. And never told us. The condition can be life threatening if not known about (we have kids). My husbands dad has been very verbally abusive to him and so has his sister . It reminds me of how my husband would deny my /my kids experience and I feel utterly shell shocked and am now not sure I can trust my husband. I told him this, as I was feeling unable to cope-i wanted reassued- and he got really angry and told me how much I hurt him as I'm the only one he has left. I feel so bad he needs me now but I'm so scared and untrusting inside, I'm not coping well and am not sure if I'm paranoid or if he is untrustworthy. I used to defend his dad and now I feel so stupid and a mug. I always believe people cant be so bad. I always think they're just misunderstood but I can't believe what's happened. And it's making me doubt my husband again. I'm so shocked a parent could with hold such information from their child and them attack them on asking about it. I'm utterly lost. It's been a long line of stuff and I'm overwhelmed. I have a therapist but it's the time in between. And I even find it hard to talk to her though I'm starting to trust her after 3 yrs. Often I want to sack her because she isn't available enough. And also I don't want to become reliant on her. Does anyone understand any of this? I can't seem to get the help I need.

 

[Purpleplum]

If he gets angry when you want to talk to him about something that concerns you, it sounds like there's still abuse there.

 

[Zanzi]

thank you for replying. I feel like it is because what I said to him was mean and reminded him of stuff he wants to forgot (he has apologised since). He is struggling too....

 

[Grace in defeat]

It is bad that your husband's parents didn't tell you about the condition, especially when they knew you were considering having kids. It must be a big shock for you both and it's natural that this is triggering all your feelings about trusting people in general, including your husband who wasn't part of the deception but has given you reason not to trust him in the past. It's reminded you very forcibly that some people can't be trusted.

You might hate this idea, a lot of people would and that's fine but from your post it does sound like you're both open to the idea of therapy. Have you thought about attending some sort of couples' therapy to help you to trust each other and feel united in dealing with this very difficult problem together?

I would recommend sticking with your therapist as you're finally starting to trust her. Trust is a fragile thing and it can be frightening to put your trust in someone, but if you do sack her, you'll have to start from the beginning again with a new therapist. That's never easy, especially when you're going through a difficult time like this and not all therapists will let you stay with them long enough to build up a sense of trust. I think it's okay to become reliant on your therapist at the moment because you are working through things and you need someone to rely on. If you do work through it and feel better, then saying goodbye might be difficult, but it's an issue most people who are in therapy face and you can work on it with your therapist when the time comes.

 

[Zanzi]

Thank you. We did go to therapy together, which helped at bit, but he refused to go back after 4 sessions, but did change his behaviour and so did I. I might broach this again and maybe he will feel differently now. All you say makes a lot of sense, thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

[Grace in defeat]

It sounds like 4 sessions was all you needed and it could be enough again. Or as you've done it before, you could try using the same techniques as you used last time. You might find you need a therapist to guide you and provide a neutral viewpoint and that's understandable, but you might be able to help each other without a therapist.

Good luck and please keep talking as much as you need to. I only joined about 12 hours ago and haven't asked for much support myself yet, but it does seem a friendly and supportive place and other people will be able to think of things I can't.

 

[Zanzi]

Thank you. I only just joined last night. I hope you can ask for the support you need too.