- May 15, 2019
Hey, this is going to be a long story 'cause I just want to talk about it. I've lived in a rough household; every single day my family would scream and scream and all the pressure was on me to be perfect enough to make up for everyone else. That didn't help with the fact that I already don't emote much, so I learned not to think about other people's problems. The fact that I'm regarded as the perfect good child makes me not want to tell anyone about what's happening in my head. I'm not good to begin with; I steal and cheat and lie. I don't feel much remorse if I don't get caught. But now I can't stop hearing voices. It started when my friend told me she was suicidal. I didn't feel anything except a voice in my head that kept saying "ITS MY FAULT". I can see what he (the voice) says sometimes, like red lettering was carved into my eyes. I've never seen him though. This event was months ago, but he never left. I see visual hallucinations of my friend sometimes at night. I always ask the voice what his name is, but he just gets mad and yells at me. I just call him Red (original, i know). There was one day though that I realized that another voice is inside my head. She seems much nicer than Red but I've never truly heard her voice. I see visions of her sometimes. She looks really blue and she almost looks glowing. So, I call her Blue. Problem is, she's too quiet so Red is the only person I can hear now. I haven't seen Blue in a couple weeks. Red keeps telling me to do violent things like punch and kick and run. I've always been able to not follow what he says for the most part. Now, I also have anxiety and depression. It's driving me mad now that when my thoughts are telling me things like 'you're pathetic' 'you don't even deserve the kindness of their pity.' 'they pity you.' That kind of thing. I can't tell who's talking anymore. I think Red is getting to me. My friends make jokes about stuff like this though, and my family depends too heavily upon me being perfect. I feel like I can't tell anyone what's going on. Even if I did, it all sounds like a stupid Disney movie that was made up for pity. Right now I just think I should continue to try and ignore Red.