Can't tell who's talking

B

brynbutstupid

New member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
1
Location
USA
Hey, this is going to be a long story 'cause I just want to talk about it. I've lived in a rough household; every single day my family would scream and scream and all the pressure was on me to be perfect enough to make up for everyone else. That didn't help with the fact that I already don't emote much, so I learned not to think about other people's problems. The fact that I'm regarded as the perfect good child makes me not want to tell anyone about what's happening in my head. I'm not good to begin with; I steal and cheat and lie. I don't feel much remorse if I don't get caught. But now I can't stop hearing voices. It started when my friend told me she was suicidal. I didn't feel anything except a voice in my head that kept saying "ITS MY FAULT". I can see what he (the voice) says sometimes, like red lettering was carved into my eyes. I've never seen him though. This event was months ago, but he never left. I see visual hallucinations of my friend sometimes at night. I always ask the voice what his name is, but he just gets mad and yells at me. I just call him Red (original, i know). There was one day though that I realized that another voice is inside my head. She seems much nicer than Red but I've never truly heard her voice. I see visions of her sometimes. She looks really blue and she almost looks glowing. So, I call her Blue. Problem is, she's too quiet so Red is the only person I can hear now. I haven't seen Blue in a couple weeks. Red keeps telling me to do violent things like punch and kick and run. I've always been able to not follow what he says for the most part. Now, I also have anxiety and depression. It's driving me mad now that when my thoughts are telling me things like 'you're pathetic' 'you don't even deserve the kindness of their pity.' 'they pity you.' That kind of thing. I can't tell who's talking anymore. I think Red is getting to me. My friends make jokes about stuff like this though, and my family depends too heavily upon me being perfect. I feel like I can't tell anyone what's going on. Even if I did, it all sounds like a stupid Disney movie that was made up for pity. Right now I just think I should continue to try and ignore Red.
 
L

Lunar Lady

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Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,109
Location
UK
Hello Bryn

Just popped in to give you a hug :hug:

The thoughts and sentiments expressed by Red and Blue are yours - not something outside of yourself but your own consciousness .

Red voices your own judgement that deep down, you're not the good and dependable person people think you are. Blue is the beautiful and kind side to your nature. You feel as if there are two different sides to your nature and those strands of identity have slipped free from the 'rope' of normal awareness and assumed separate identities.

Home life sounds really hard on you Brin and I'm so sorry you have such a difficult family. I think perhaps the stress of it all is affecting your mental health and you need to get some support from your doctor. Hearing voices can become frightening and entirely overwhelming. I had a brief spell of auditory hallucinations and it's very difficult to cope with and can keep developing further without help.

Red expresses negativity - don't acknowledge those thoughts or react to them. It's just encouraging destructive dialogue with the darkest thoughts and deepest fears your mind can throw up.

I hope you can get the support you so badly need. I hope your doctor refers you for counselling as there is so much unhappiness and anger that you have kept to yourself - it's making itself heard through the internal voice of 'Red'.

Sending you lots of love and best wishes xxx
 
Libraryman

Libraryman

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Joined
May 13, 2019
Messages
100
Location
UK
But now I can't stop hearing voices. It started when my friend told me she was suicidal. I didn't feel anything except a voice in my head that kept saying "ITS MY FAULT". I can see what he (the voice) says sometimes,
Hey, sorry to hear about the hallucinations. I was gonna say I relate, and I partly do. I thought id highlight when it began for you, which you said was after your friend said she was suicidal. Now I believe I read this wrong, but do you think that was also the 'cause ' of the auditory hallucinations? You attribute it to the stress you felt at home, or atleast thats a factor in it?
In my case, I like to trace things to their origin, just to simplify things a little more. And perhaps theres not one single event, but many things that kept accumulating over time. Perhaps simplifying down which events were most prominent. When you do this, leave out anything about the hallucinations, or the story they bring you to. Because, you can, start dispelling all the drawbacks that come with having to deal with whats real and what is not real. So let us know how things go for you and feel free to ask for help or discuss what youre going through.
 
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